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Thursday, February 26, 2009

In case you haven't been following the blog, let me recap a bit. We've been reading about Rosy, who had a severe stroke to the left side of her brain and went from a grumpy, impatient woman to a patient, talkative, delightful woman within a matter of months. She'd been an discontented accountant her whole life and, once the left side of her brain didn't work, she found happiness (at 83)! Her story is a lesson for parents (read through the archives for her story). If your child is aggressive, mean, unempathetic and/or rude (like Rosy was before her stroke), then the child's left hemisphere of the brain may be developing quickly and the right hemisphere needs to be “fortified” through creative play. Creative play often uses both sides of the brain, which will give all children a feeling of success and comfort within the activities, but the right side of the brain must be used in order to imagine things. For example, let's say Mary has three children; twin five year old boys and a three year old girl. The boys are, of course, always picking on the girl. Mary needs the boys to understand why that behavior is harmful, not helpful, and how it will affect all of their lives in the future. The main problem is that children under eight years old can't project themselves into the future or understand abstract concepts, like empathy. Due to the developmental stage of their brains; they just don't have the capacity, or neuron structures, to comprehend abstract concepts like mechanized "time". Empathy, therefore, must be taught not as a concept, but as a behavior that leads to positive natural outcomes. Mary usually yells at the boys to stop, which they don't, and then she sends them into “time-out”, where they throw fits until they "tire-out". Once they regain their strength they go right back to bothering their little sister. Mary wants her sons to help and protect their sister, so, what should she do? We'll look at some creative play that will act as therapy and help re-direct the boys' behavior patterns in the next blog.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Circles and Spirals

Okay, so as Dr. Taylor's left hemisphere slowly returned to fully functional, she told herself that she would only allow her left hemisphere to heal so far as it didn't get in the way of her right hemisphere. She'd realized that the right hemisphere provides the sense of “euphoria” that makes people happy, content, excited about life and notice the lovely things. She didn't want to return to the analytical, cold, calculating person whom she'd been before. In the same vein, Rosy had, suddenly, become very patient, kind, and wonderful to visit with. The right hemisphere of the brain employs empathy, is creative, and sees more than just the "little things" that may annoy the left hemisphere because the "little things" don't follow patterns, or aren't "linear" in nature, or don't seem to have "structure" to them. The left hemisphere wants everything predictable, controlled, and categorized. The right finds beauty in chaos and form. The left sees history as a circle, the right as an uncontrollable, imperfectly formed spiral. The lesson here is that balancing the two hemispheres leads to contentedness, a happy, productive life and a well rounded individual. Creative play, for young and old children alike, not only promotes the growth of the brain's right hemisphere, but also uses the left to communicate with dolls, friends, toys, etc. and to categorize the toys that she's playing with. I'll tell you more tomorrow about why this is important and mention some activities that help stimulate a balanced mind through creative play.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Rosy's Story continued

Dr. Taylor noticed something while the left hemisphere of her brain wasn't functioning; she'd become “trapped” in the right side of her brain! She couldn't communicate, couldn't judge, couldn't manipulate or categorize things like she used to. She expressed it as a “euphoric” feeling and being completely “in the moment”. She said that she saw things as they were, without all of the prejudices, divisions, and time constraints that she'd had before her stroke. She also used the technique of starting with children's toys, books, etc. and steadily working up the levels. It allowed her to see beauty, growth, the miraculous movement of life energy from one form to another as it never dies, but simply changes form. She made a deal with herself. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Rosy's story

A few weeks later Rosy came to visit again, after having read the pre-school counting books, story books, and having moved up to elementary school level books. Her speech had improved dramatically. It was slow, and she had a bit of trouble remembering some words, but she'd mastered thousands of words and spoke fairly clearly. She came to speak with me for a reason that day. She specifically wanted to thank me for the ideas and for believing that she could do better than the doctor had told her. She was able to explain to me that the doctor and therapist had been telling her that she wouldn't be able to function normally again and I'd been, unknowingly, contradicting them. Now that she could speak well, she explained that the encouragement and the idea of using children's books had done more than the physical therapist had been able to do. I reminded her that it was Rosy who did the work, Rosy who focused on recovery and Rosy who strove to improve, but she insisted that she couldn't have done it without me. I wasn't sure how to react. She'd never said a kind word to me, ever, in the four or five years that I'd known her. I thanked her and told her that she was a miracle. I also told her about the book My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor, P.h.D. and the corresponding website, http://mystrokeofinsight.com/index.html. We wrote the title down and her daughter helped her watch a video of Doctor Tayler explaining what had happened when she, a neurologist, had the same stroke as Rosy. The effects of the stroke on both women have astounded me, but their recovery is miraculous and fabulous all at once. I'll have to tell you about it next time!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Creative Play (continued)

Creative play is based in the right hemisphere of the brain. To emphasize the importance of developing the right hemisphere, let me share a story with you. I know an 83 year old woman, who we'll call Rosy. She was mean, rude, pushy, and selfish, but very good at mathematics. She had a high functioning left hemisphere, which processes language, numbers, etc. In April of 2008 she had a massive stroke to the left side of her brain. She couldn't talk at all for about six weeks and was in a nearly comatose state, able to communicate only through small nods and some hand movements. Her right hand and arm didn't work correctly anymore. The doctors told her, and her daughter, that she would probably never speak correctly again. Rosy came to visit me about two and a half months after her stroke. She'd been doing therapy and had gained some of her speech back but, as expected, she spoke like a two year old and left out many small words, like "an" or "the", while unable to express herself with others. She kept asking me for a sheet, for her numbers, “A book”, she said, “with lines. For my numbers. I need do numbers.” Even though she'd always been rude to me, it broke my heart to see her struggle in such a way. After ten minutes of asking questions and getting two to three word responses, I figured out that she wanted accounting sheets (she'd been a C.P.A.). I told her daughter where to get them and then suggested that she also get children's books, starting with pre-school books, and read them everyday. I'll tell you the rest of the story on my next blog post (and, of course, eventually connect it to creative play for your children).

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

More About Creative Play

Creative play has many important factors for children. It stimulates neuron development and a process called “myelination”. Myelin is a “sheath” that forms around neurons in the brain and makes them semi-permanent. Children will do an activity over and over until the neurons are formed, then sheathed, for that specific activity; then they'll move on to another skill. If the child is obsessed with a video, it may not be the video itself, but the language, or the music, or the images that the child is actually focused on and learning from. Creative play adds to the myelination through the development of neurons associated with the central nervous system and those in the right hemisphere of the brain, which leads to the ability to creatively solve problems and see the “big picture” later in life.

Monday, February 16, 2009

In the Spirit

Hi All - in the spirit of helping the parenting community at large, here are some links to other parenting blogs:
Bilingual in the Boonies
Parenting Blog
Baby Mum-Mum
Eco Child's Play
The Blogfathers

Creative Play

Okay, I'm going to make these blogs shorter by chopping them up into pieces and serving them like daily pie! Here's todays piece:

Our daughter, Sarah, has plenty of toys. Most of them are plastic, many of them require batteries, and few of them hold her interest for very long. With that in mind, a two year old has a very short attention span. Any toy that keeps her attention for more than ten minutes is a toy that has intrinsic value – it either teaches her something directly or can be used by a parent or care provider to teach any number of lessons. Every child has different interests, so a parent who accepts the responsibility for knowing what interests her child will have more tools and opportunities to teach and guide that child.

One of the toys that keeps her attention the longest is her doll stroller. She plays with the stroller more than she plays with the dolls! She puts balls, hats, books, and anything else that will fit, into the stroller and takes the items for “walks”. Sometimes she even sits in it herself, or fills a small purse with more toys, slings it over her shoulder, turns and says, “Bye, bye!” Then she heads to the “Living Room Store” and uses her toy cash register to ring herself up for various items in the stroller. Her preferred form of play is quickly becoming what is called “creative play”, where imagination takes the lead and ordinary items transform the child's play into extraordinary fun!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Whack 'em!

I can't count how many times I've seen people spank, or at least threaten to spank, their child in public. I can only imagine what happens to some of those poor kids when nobody's looking. We've all seen it and some of you have done it. It's no big deal, right? Some parents describe it as just a "tap" on the butt, or something that they'll only use when a child does something extremely dangerous, like running out into the street after a ball or throwing a knife at a sibling. It's probably been the most used discipline technique in human history, so let's take a look at the effects of spanking a child.
The exact effects of spanking differ from child to child, of course, since each person has a different tolerance to pain, different emotional states, and many other differences that will influence the effect that a good "swat" will have. I remember being spanked, as a child, many, many times. I was usually spanked with a bare hand or a wooden spoon. I was hit on the butt, on the legs as I ran away, on the hands as I tried in vain to protect myself, on the arm when I zigged instead of zagging, etc. The memories I have of being spanked link not to the lessons that my parent was trying to teach me, but to the actual event of being spanked. I remember that being spanked upset me, made me feel weak, defenseless, and humiliated. I also know, for a fact, that the single parent who raised me was truly just frustrated, scared for my safety, or that of others, and trying to help me to learn which behaviors were socially appropriate and safe and which were not.
Spanking is the most common form of discipline, but it is also the least effective. To ensure that one's children are safe, behaving appropriately, and still able to express themselves, be creative, and explore new things, the parent(s) or caregiver must provide opportunities that are safe and structured and guide children through the challenges. Let's use the example I mentioned earlier about one sibling throwing a knife at another.
We'll call the one who threw the knife Gerald, and the one whose foot got cut as the knife skipped by him, Jeff. Gerald is four years old and Jeff is seven. Gerald is mad because Jeff won't let him play a video game, so he grabs a knife off of the kitchen counter and intentionally throws it at Jeff. Jeff then yells at Gerald, calls him a variety of forbidden names, chases him through the house, tackles him in a hallway, and punches Gerald on the arms, the legs, anywhere that will hurt, but not permanently injure Gerald. Jeff's learned where to hit and where not to by being hit himself; more precisely, by being “spanked” as punishment. So, what does a parent do?
Spanking, obviously, won't work because that's what taught Jeff when, where, and how to beat up his brother. It also teaches that if somebody does something that you don't like than you can control them by hurting them. Is that what most parents want their children to learn? Alternatively, kids HATE having to stop what they're doing, THINK, and TALK about their actions. It's far more brutal, for a child, to have to examine their actions, and the consequences of them, than to be hit and sent to their room.
The effective action for a parent to pursue is to first decide how they feel about the child's behavior. In this case, the parent must admit that he/she felt FEAR for the safety of both of the children. Next, the parent must separate the children, leaving the older one alone for a moment while talking to the youngest one. The words used with Gerald should include questions like, “Did you throw the knife because you wanted to play that game?” and “Did you get to play the game, or did you get hurt?” Also, questions like “What could you have done differently to play the game?” If the child doesn't know, then offer some suggestions, “Could you have asked to take a turn when he was done and then played with something else while you waited? What could you have played with while you waited?” Using questions like this helps the child to learn to reason, to make sound judgments and to think about safety, delayed gratification and other important aspects of decision making. The parent must also make it very clear how dangerous the actions was. “Did you want to hurt your brother? Do you know that a knife can do more than just hurt him, it could kill him, it could make us have to rush him to the hospital, but it won't get you a turn on the game.” Make it real for the child. Use words that are a part of reality. It may seem harsh to say to Gerald that he could have killed his brother, but it's the truth and children depend on parents to be honest and expose them to the truth. Note, however, how the end of the sentence relays the message that hurting his brother will not get him any game time. A parent may then go into explaining the natural consequences of the actions. “If you hurt your brother then do you think that he'll want to play with you? Do you think he'll give you more turns if you hurt him or if you help him and play with him?” Remember, parents, that you're teaching your child to THINK, to REASON, to UNDERSTAND relationships and consequences and to take RESPONSIBILITY for their own actions (which can not be accomplished by spanking him or her). The older child, Jerry, is old enough to have controlled himself long enough to allow the parent to talk to the younger sibling first, but it's important to address Jerry's feelings, understand his reactions and his thoughts on the subject, too.
Jerry reacted by chasing Gerald down, tackling him, and punching him. The parent must ask Jerry if he felt that the problem was solved after that and that Gerald would never try to hurt him again. Regardless of Jerry's answer, the thought processing lessons must continue with questions like, “So, what's the best way that you can think of to keep your brother from trying to hurt you?” and “Do you think that he would have thrown the knife if you'd given him a turn on the game? Would you rather take turns with the game or have knives thrown at you?” The parent's goal is to get the child to question his own actions by suggesting the questions that Jerry needs to ask himself in order to prevent such a fight in the future. “If Gerald throws anything at you tomorrow, what will you do?” The parent needs to know what Jerry is thinking and then guide him towards thoughts that avoid violent, dangerous, or threatening situations and instead use creative, playful, or positive methods of avoiding danger, like sharing, caring, and understanding the needs of others. He must also know that the parent understands that he was only trying to defend himself, but that the actions he took were not so much self defense, since Gerald no longer had the knife, but actually acts of vengeance. The parent has an opportunity to teach the differences between self defense and vengeance, between helping and hurting. Jerry must also be taught that he is older, smarter, and more capable of turning the situation into a positive by thinking before acting, by sharing, by communicating to his brother something as simple as when he would get a turn. The best option to spanking may take more time, but it works, while spanking doesn't.
I hope that more parents will take the time to talk with their kids, ask questions and be firm and consistent. Spanking is lazy, harmful, and has the opposite effect of what most parents want, which is to teach the child a lesson. Lessons are taught by example and communication, so set the example of reasoning, caring, and sharing, and communicate your fears, your understandings, and your questions as clearly as possible. Kids love to be loved and no love can compare to that of a parent!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Pay Us Back!

Okay, I'll usually write about kids, parents, families, positive guidance, and communication, but today I've got a political bone to pick.

If you or I go to the bank for a loan, then we must pay it back, with interest, in a specified amount of time. We have set due dates and penalties for late payments. In 2008 over three hundred banks had to borrow billions of dollars from taxpayers. Why shouldn't they have to pay that money back? I want them to have to pay the money back, with interest, one of three ways:
1. Give each taxpayer a return at the end of the year until the loan is repaid.
2. Give each school a "block grant" each year until the loan is paid off.
3. Make a monthly payment, which may not be touched by any government entity, into the social security fund until the loan is full repaid, with interest!

Does this make sense to anybody else? They don't hand out money for free and they can't have mine for free. I want my portion paid back, with interest, period! I told a man yesterday, who plans to run for a local office where I live, and he found the idea compelling enough that he asked if he could use it in his campaign. I said "Yes", but meant, "only if you'll try to implement the idea and not just use it to get votes." As he left he turned and said, "Remember me." but the reality is he's the one who'll remember me. It seems that it's the attention seekers, not the thinkers, who we elect into office. Maybe we need to change the system a little.
The original Athenian system of Democracy was not perfect and we wouldn't want to implement it in modern society because it allowed only certain males to be called "citizens" and they used slaves to free up their time so that they could devote much of their lives to politics, philosophy, and art. We could, however, adapt a portion of the system, namely the part that allowed regular citizens to be chosen at random, housed by the state for one month, and serve as a senator. We could use a process very similar to the jury selection service that's in place now and each voting citizen would have the opportunity to help guide our country. We would all feel more responsible for our actions, and those of our country, more involved in government at all levels, and more in tune with what the Athenians and our Founding Fathers wanted; a state for the people, of the people, and run by the people. I know I want my voice heard and not used to get someone elected, but to influence the policies that affect my income, my family, and my daily life. I'd serve my term. Would you?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

To the Mall and Back

To the Mall and Back


Today's blog involves a mall, slides, and squeaky shoes. I went with my daughter, Sarah, to the mall. She had on her new shoes that Grandma had bought her, which have “squeakers” in the heels that sound like dog toys. We walked through Sears and headed straight for the play area at the mall's center. It's a wooden structure with one set of steel steps, one tube slide, one low, curved slide, two side by side high slides, and one high, twisting slide, all made of tan plastic. The static electricity generated when the kids slide down the slides literally makes their hair stand on end. A girl of about 2.5 years and her brother of about 3.5 years were in control of the high, side by side slides and laughed loudly as they slid down and then immediately climbed back up the slides to purposely shock themselves by touching the smooth metal bolts at the top of the slide. Their mother sat on a nearby bench, her eyes distant, and nodded towards them when they called out to her. She finally spoke when it was time to go and both children, exhausted, probably thirsty, expressed disdain. The boy left, begrudgingly, but the little girl, with her innocent, blue eyes surrounded by black lines, was carried out , kicking and screaming, like a sack of potatoes. My daughter, Sarah, just stood and watched the entire ordeal for the first five minutes that we spent at the play area.

When the kids left, Sarah ran up the stairs and straight to the high slides. She picked one and whooshed down it. Her hair stood up in strands like strings of silk waiting to be woven into the most elegant and beautiful of garments She laughed, smiled, and ran back to the steps like a typical two year old. A mother showed up, as Sarah climbed the steps, with a girl who looked to be about 3.5 years old, another girl who might have been about eighteen months old, and a baby boy who crawled like a Komodo Dragon after a rabbit. The 3.5 year old girl, let's call her Miranda, zipped past Sarah and plopped down on one of the high slides. She then tapped the slide next to her and gazed at up at Sarah, who wasn't sure how to respond. I said, “She wants you to sit down on the slide next to her.” Sarah looked at me, smiled, turned back around to Miranda, and hid her happy, shy face in her hands. Miranda, however, would not be deterred. She asked Sarah to sit down again and added, “Don't let anyone else take it!” She had that hurried whisper to her speech, as if she didn't want anybody else to hear her and that Sarah had to sit down quickly to avoid the consequences of losing control of the side by side slides. Sarah eventually sat down and Miranda spoke in ways that only a toddler could pay attention to, though neither one really understood the other. They eventually slid down, Miranda first, then Sarah.

Miranda immediately turned and climbed back up the slide. Sarah began to follow, but we have a rule: “Up the stairs, down the slides.” After warning her to follow the rule she continued up the slide, so I picked her up under both arms, set her down softly on the black rubber mats beneath the play structure, and reminded her, quietly and in her ear, of our rule. Then I stepped the energy up and said, “Run, girl, run! Wanna run to the stairs?” Her face lit up and her heels squeaked all the way to the stairs. Another mother came by with a boy who seemed to be about twenty months old. Minutes later another mother with a slightly younger boy showed up. I sat back and noticed that the two newly arrived moms were instructing their kids to go up the stairs and down the slides. I was ecstatic. After watching several children, many of whom were too old to be on the play structure, run up and down and even jump off of the slides, it was a relief to have two other parents who had a logical, reasonable safety rule for the slides.

Many things happened today, but let's take what I've described above and think about it. First, let's look at the actions of the parents' actions and delve into possible outcomes, had parental actions and reactions been different. Finally, we'll discuss the effects of parental decisions on the children.

The first two children, with the barely responsive mother, were purposely shocking themselves. The question that we must ask is, “Did the children actually enjoy the shock, or were they simply doing the most outrageous things in order to gain their mother's attention?” First, let's consider that the shock from static electricity is not all that harsh and produces more of a “shock value” than pain (no pun intended). With that in mind, it may be that the children had what is called a “low sensory threshold” for pain; therefore the shocks simply provided extra stimulation for them because they were not very sensitive to pain, or touch, through the skin. This is normal for some people. We all have different sensory thresholds, which I will discuss in a later blog. Another possibility is that the children, as mentioned earlier, were seeking attention from their mother. The third possibility is that it was a combination of the two; low sensory thresholds for touch stimulation and seeking attention. We can quickly discern which possibility most likely drove the children's behaviors by looking at the behaviors surrounding the shocks.

When the children slid down the slides, they immediately turned and climbed back up, but when they got to the top and shocked themselves, they would both laugh and turn to look at their mother's response. After every two or three trips, when they saw that their mother was not responding, they would climb the slides, but wait to shock themselves and call out, “Look, Mom!” before they shocked themselves. The mother would then look up and nod her head. Once she said, “Yeah”, when the boy was yelling louder than normal. Why did he increase the volume? Simple, he wanted her to watch him. Had they been going up and down the slides and not calling out for attention, then we could assign the reason of low sensitivity to touch stimulation, but since they called out in regular intervals, and the volume increased when the mother didn't respond in a timely manner, then we can assume that the children were seeking attention. Another sign showed itself as they left.

The mother did not warn them that they would be leaving in five minutes, or that they had two more trips up and down the slide, or give any other signal that they would soon be transitioning from play time to leaving. When the time came, she simply said, “Let's go. Get down from there.” The little girl immediately began to cry and say, “NO!” The boy ignored her until she actually stood up and walked over to the slide with threatening body language. He then slipped down the slide like a balloon that had a small hole poked in it and was slowly losing air. The girl, however, clung to the top of the slide and the mom had to wrench her from the play structure as she cried to stay longer.

The mother could have avoided the deflation of her son's joy and the loss of self control experienced by the girl by simply communicating to them that she needed to leave in five minutes, then again at two minutes, then telling them that they could go up and down one more time, and then leaving. The attention that they craved was actually for communication. They wanted their mother to communicate her pride for their abilities to climb, to slide quickly, and to recognize their experiences with static electricity. She could have used the time to teach them about static electricity, about friction, and about fun. Her decision to ignore the children and use the time to sit on her butt taught the kids that they need to exhibit more and more severe behavior, use more and more extreme measures to gain their mother's attention. Now let's move on to the next situation.

Remember that my daughter, Sarah, sat down next to Miranda, the new arrival, and after sliding down, Sarah wanted to climb up the slide like Miranda, whose mother seemed to be as attentive as possible considering that she had two very young children to chase. Also, remember that I warned Sarah to go up the stairs and she ignored the warning, on purpose, and tried to quickly scramble up the slide. I picked her up and removed her from the slide. This is the important part to note. When you pick a child up, pick her up underneath both arms. Their tendons, which connect muscles to bones, are still soft, weak, and can easily be torn if a child is grabbed by one arm and lifted, placing the child's entire body weight on the tendon and straining it, which can lead to a tear or a dislocated joint. Under both arms is also safer because if the child decides to try to kick, hit, or bite you then you can easily hold her away from you at a safe distance until she calms down.

The next thing to note is that when I set Sarah down, I had to make a choice: either dole out punishment and reinforce what not to do, or remind her of what to do and reinforce mutual respect, communication, and understanding. Reminding her of the rule communicates to her that I understand her age and stage of development and am giving her the opportunity to control herself. It's also important to note that I set her down gently and whispered in her ear. Why not just plop her down and tell her, like most parents, to get up the stairs or we're leaving, in a strong, loud voice? If the parent uses a loud voice and commands the child, then the child actually feels embarrassed and punished. If the parent chooses to whisper a reminder of what the rule is then the child is well aware that nobody else heard about, or noticed, her mistake and so she is more apt to listen and follow the rule. Most children are keenly aware of how little they know and how much they need guidance and that other people are watching; therefore parents may take care not to embarrass them in public and avoid behaviors in children that, in turn, embarrass the parent. The next thing that I did was to instill a sense of excitement about the rule. Using an excited tone of voice and asking her if she'd like to “run” to the stairs excited her and she did run, without questioning the rule or ignoring her parent. Enthusiasm spreads as quickly as any other emotion and it's the job of a parent to set the tone in any given environment. It's not always possible, of course, because children have their own emotions and can, at times, be exhausted or stressed and as a result not be able to control themselves or process information well in a given moment. It is, however, easier and more effective to influence a child's mood rather than force them into submitting to a rule.

Next, two more mothers showed up. One had a little girl, about the same age as Sarah, with brown hair in pigtails, and the other had a son who had just turned two years old a few weeks earlier. Both mothers reminded their children to go up the stairs and down the slides. The mother of the little brunette girl asked where I got the “squeaky” shoes from and I told her. The other mother kept herself busy. She followed her son and made sure that he was safe. The little girl's mother effectively reminded her daughter to go up the stairs and down the slides, but she always added “If you go up the slide again then we're going to leave.” The use of “if” followed by “then” is always either an explanation of natural consequences, such as, “If you touch the hot stove, then you'll get burned.” or a threat, which is what the mother of the dark haired girl was using. The expression of natural consequences can often be phrased in a way that teaches children what to do (as opposed to the example above, which is what not to do) such as “If you stay away from the stove, then you won't get burned.”

Threats only serve to frustrate, upset, and weaken a child's will. If a threat must be used to avoid a truly dangerous situation, such as “If you go in the street again, then you'll have to play inside for the rest of the day.” then a parent must only give one warning. The next move is to follow through and have the child play indoors for the rest of the day after going into the street again. Of course, the use of threats can be avoided. The parent could say, “Please stay in the yard. There are cars in the street and they can hurt you. Do you want to play, or do you want to get hurt? I want you to be able to play out here all day, so stay in the yard, away from the cars, where you'll be safe.” Phrasing is very important when speaking with children since they have a limited vocabulary and are involved in the process of understanding safety, the reasons for rules, consequences, responsibilities, etc.. If a parent doesn't follow through immediately, then the threat becomes nothing more to the child than more words. The mother of the brown haired girl, with her best intentions and child's safety in mind, could have chosen a different path to reach the same goal of following the rule to go up the stairs and down the slide. As a result, however, the little girl continued to try and climb up the slides and, after the fifth or sixth threat, they finally left; the little girl in quiet tears. The other newly arrived mother, meanwhile, still attended to her two year old boy.

I never heard her threaten him, but she did remind him of the slide rule several times, picked him up under his arms and redirected him more than once, but never had to raise her voice. Her behavior set the tone between them; therefore the little boy, in the hour that he played alongside Sarah, never yelled in anger or frustration, never intentionally disobeyed his mother, and had a grand ole time in the play area. She was a young mother and seemed to have a natural patience for her child which translated into mutual respect and the ease of communication that we all want with our children. I thanked both of the women for having a slide rule and had a short conversation with the mother of the young boy while Sarah squeaked around and he giggled all the way up the stairs and down the slide.