Time Will Tell, but Will We Hear?

This post is going to be short because too many words, or even too many thoughts, will get in the way of accomplishing this one, so read closely and then please, please, please ACT on it!  Here it is:
We're lucky to be alive today, regardless of our present health.  We're lucky to have our children with us, regardless of their abilities or "levels" of development.  Enjoy EVERY minute, frustrating or not, with your children because it will, one day, be stripped from you.  If not by the worst possible scenarios than by the natural process of aging, growing, and moving on.  Love them now.  Get down on the floor and play.  Build a fort.  Make some mudpies, no matter how tired you are, because we only have so many minutes to make mudpies! Then, enjoy cleaning it up because you're cleaning with someone whom you love in a way that only a parent can understand.  Enjoy EVERY minute with your kids as if it was the last, even if it's not, because at the very least it'll create wonderful memories to look back on when they grow up and move on and you're in a rocking chair with gray hair.  NOW IS THE ONLY TIME THAT WE HAVE TO ENJOY OUR CHILDREN AS CHILDREN!  They will, hopefully, become adults and we'll all grow old and miss their mischief, so include yourself in it!  That's it. HAVE FUN!!!!!

Bribery vs. Honesty

Desperate times require desperate measures, right?  When a parent needs their child to stop peeing on the floor and make it to the toilet because dinner's on the stove, the baby is crying, and a news flash is pulling her toward the T.V. then something has to give.  So, most parents "give" the toddler some kind of "reward" for making it to the potty.  It's very popular, even among many teachers, to use what we call "extrinsic motivators" to get kids to do something, like pee in the toilet.  "Extrinsic" means "outside of one's self".  When a parent uses "extrinsic motivators" it creates an expectation that the parent "owes" the child something.  If the parent doesn't have something to "reward" the child with, say, on a trip to the store, then the child can, and will, throw a fit, pee on the floor on purpose, etc.  The child will expect to be "rewarded" for doing things that the child should do naturally, such as normal bodily functions.  The child will also develop an unhealthy sense of "entitlement" - which means that, when they're older, they'll feel that they're "entitled" to things like expensive clothes, fancy tech toys, nice cars, etc. rather than feeling like they need to "earn" such things.  The goal is for children to be motivated "intrinsically", or from the "inside".  Rather than using a candy to "reward" the child for peeing in the toilet, use "natural consequences" and "specific praise" as "intrinsic motivators" for the child.  If a child pees on the floor, hand her a towel, say "If you pee in the toilet you can keep playing, but you peed on the floor so you have to stop playing and clean it up.  Do you want me to help you?"  Then, have her clean it up (no matter how imperfectly).  If she pees in the toilet, simply say "You did it!  You peed in the toilet and so now you can play instead of having to clean it up off the floor."  A child doesn't need our judgment - "Good job" or "Bad girl".  They need to hear EXACTLY what they did correctly.  Note the difference between the simple statement of "You peed in the toilet." and "Good job."  The first one tells the child what he did correctly, the second simply "judges" what he did without any indication of what the parent has noticed.  These simple tricks work extremely well.  Simply remember the following:
1.  Avoid "extrinsic motivators" because they lead to feelings of "entitlement" and the need for "rewards".
2.  Tell children what "to do" so that they know what to do!  (They usually already know what "not to do".)
3.  Use "specific praise" to describe what you see when the child does something well, or correctly.  "You picked up all of your books.  That helps to keep the house clean.  Thanks, Francine!"
4.  Do all of the above CONSISTENTLY and, I promise, it will work.
5.  If your child has special needs, then contact me at ajs@talespinnerpublications.com and I can go into more detail about techniques to use to help your specific child and his/her specific needs.
6.  Have fun whenever you can!  Accidental spills can be fun to clean if you're laughing!  Putting toys away can be fun if you're testing how fast your hands are!  Silliness is born into us and stressed out of us, so relax and silly yourself up a little.  Your kids will love you for it!

Candy Cries! Tantrums in Stores.

"I want that, Mommy!"  The little girl drops on the floor and screams.  "No, Daddy!  I want the candy!"  A young boy smacks his father on the leg while stopping to pay for gas.  What is a parent to do? 
If the child is still an infant, the process of learning to wait can be implemented easier than if the child is 2.5 or 3 yrs. old.  And, it's not just about learning to wait (which is called "delayed gratification"), it's also about respect, listening, understanding, and an internal sense of security.  It sounds like a lot, but we can do all that, as parents, through a few easy steps. 
1.  If you have to hurry to the store and back, leave the toddler at home because he will need to explore and interact with the environment.
2.  Prepare the child ahead of time.  "We're going to the store to buy milk.  We don't need anything else, but you can look at the toys if you can put them back when it's time to go."  Always wait for a response from the child and repeat the directions until the child responds "in kind" to the rules that you've set.
3.  Make sure to make time to take your toddler to the store, let her explore, play gently and carefully with the items in the store, and then return them to their places on the shelves.  Ex:  "Mommy, I want that teddy bear!"  "Okay, honey, I'll get it down for you, you can play with it for a minute, and then we have to put it away, okay?"  The child doesn't answer.  "Okay?"  The mother insists upon a response that shows understanding.  "Okay."  The little girl knows that she's expected to return the item.  "Look, Mommy, it has brown eyes."  "I see that."  The mom interacts with her daughter for a minute or two, then reminds her that they have to put it away.  "Do you want me to lift you up so you can put it away by yourself?"  "Yes, Mommy."  Take the time to play.  Let them explore and they'll let you set the guidelines, time lines and rules for that exploration.
4.  Avoid rewarding the child for "good" behavior by buying a toy at the end.  It's more effective to buy toys "at random".  If the child throws a tantrum in the store, simply pick her up, carry her outside the store, let her calm down, then ask if she's ready to listen, go back into the store and give her a chance to "do it over".  Give her a chance to succeed.  If the child does exactly what you ask the first time, just let it slide.  She succeeded.  A simple acknowledgment, such as "You put all the toys away after you played with them." does not judge or "over praise" the child, but provides "specific praise".  Specific praise lets the child know that the parent notices their growth, their strengths, and their accomplishments without being judgmental.  
5.  Have fun!  Kids love to have fun and actually feel more secure when we set the limits for them to have fun within.  When he's acting within the acceptable limits - meaning nothing and nobody's getting hurt - then go ahead and laugh, be silly, enjoy the precious time with your child.  It'll build happy memories for you and your child, and you can't buy those in any store!

Where We Live - Environmental Guidance

Imagine a world of giant chairs, high shelves, and tall people who could pick you up and move you like a sack of potatoes.  That's the world of a toddler, pre-schooler, kindergartner and even early elemtary school age child.  Now, imagine that you have no say, no control, and nothing in that world designed, set up, or created for you, your needs, your size, or your desires.  How would you feel?  Young children often feel frustrated by having to live in rooms created by, and for, adults.  Look around the living room on your knees and wonder what they see.  Are there bookshelves two feet off the ground with books that the child can access?  Are there toy drawers, or a toy box, in the "common" area of the house, like a living or family room?  Is the furniture arranged in a way that prevents a child from, say, running full speed from the kitchen, down the hall, and straight out the door that was accidentally left open?  One way to guide children without words is to arrange the environment to guide them.  Put a chair or table in the middle of a "runway" to prevent the child from running through the house.  Low shelves can provide access to their own items.  Around 3 yrs of age, depending on the child's personal developmental levels, a bottom shelf of the refrigerator can be filled with small containers containing snacks that the child can access without the help of an adult.  Cut up carrots, celery, red and yellow bellpeppers, grapes, apples, and other things can be easily grabbed and eaten up by the child and we parents don't have to lift a finger, stop what we're doing, or get out the cutting board to satisfy our "baby".  Provide places for toys in common areas because children will develop faster when they feel included and when adults interact with them on their level - which is usually the floor.  What does your house look like to a child?

Needs vs. Wants

Every parent, at some point, thinks about what their child(ren) need(s) most.  In today's over-stimulating world it can be easy to forget what children actually need.  They (we) need clean air, clean water, fresh food, love, guidance, and time and space to play and explore.  Everything else, from T.V. to cell phones, is simply "extra" and not necessary to the health of children.  Money is not an issue, so focus on time, because you can't buy time with your children.  Money is not an issue, so focus on experience, because you can't buy the lessons that come from having fun, educational experiences with children.  Children can learn more from a trip into the woods, watching bugs and birds and playing with sticks, than a day at the museum or mall.  Children learn from their parents.  Parents who eat vegetables have children who eat vegetables.  Parents who love to learn have children who love to learn.  These are, of course, generalizations, but they hold true for most people.  What children need is parents, caregivers, and the planet to be healthy.  Remember that the next time your child "needs" a new toy or the newest technological gadget.  Take them camping and leave the "electronics" at home.  You'll have everything you need, they'll have everything that they need and, maybe, learn the difference between "need" and "want".  "Needs" satisfy and support us while "wants" lead to suffering for more and more and more.  What do you and your children really need?