Down the Slide

More than Scribbles

2010-08-09T05:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever scrolled down the side bar on this blog to see the "random" art by Salvador Dali, Joan Miro, and Pablo Picasso? Every time you visit, the art changes. Have you ever wondered why I put it there? The explanation is simple: Art matters! It's such an integral part of our daily lives that we take it for granted, rarely noting how important it is to the human mind and spirit, to industry and icons, and to children. A music professor at the college I went to once asked everybody to try to remain "music and rhythm free" for one full day. No finger tapping, no songs or jingles singing in your thoughts, nothing. Nobody was, or ever has been, able to accomplish the task. Even our heartbeat (hopefully) keeps a rhythm. You might say that our music is an extension of our hearts' rhythm. You might also say that fine art is an expression of our thoughts and feelings. A painting, sculpture, or digital art piece can speak differently to different people, regardless of language or culture, and gives the artist a way to express him or herself. Imagine a world without artists. Everything on T.V. is written, every movie is written, every advertisement, every magazine, every industry relies on art. Our children, too, rely on art. Art gives children a way to speak to us without words. Young children have smaller vocabularies than adults; therefore, creating images can give them a form of communication that doesn't need words, but can say a lot! The next time your child is bored, give her some paints or crayons. Look at her picture and ask questions like, "Tell me more about this part." Look for expression of emotion through the use of color. Light colors don't mean that the child is happy, and dark doesn't mean he's sad or angry. It may be a picture of the night. Asking questions will help you to determine why the child used certain colors and whether or not those colors were used to express emotion. "I see a lot of yellow and purple in this picture. What do those colors feel like to you?" Scroll down the side bar, when you get a chance, and look at the art. Hopefully, it will inspire you to provide the materials for artistic expression to your children. Their work is more than just scribbles; they are pieces of thoughts, feelings, and lessons they've learned expressed in lines, forms, and color. Now, as the music professor asked, try to live a day without art - graphic art, written art, any art, then remember that ART MATTERS!

Exhaustion!

2010-08-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

Long nights, early mornings, deep seated concerns and honest hopes all make parenting exhausting. Some people can leave their work at work, but caring parents can't leave their kids at home. We carry more than just pictures in our pockets. We carry all the hopes and dreams, hilarity and tears, fears, frustrations and fascination within every living cell of our body. Even when we have to leave our children to work, or play, our children never leave us. This constant caring, infinite vigilance, and unending attachment can sometimes feel like the combined weight of multiple worlds weighs us down, but we can't stop. These are the best times to stop. Stop and take inventory of what is really important. These worlds, with all of their weighty importance, will not fall apart if we stop for five minutes every stressful day and look at the world outside of ourselves. If we pull over at the park we pass everyday and just look at the slowly growing trees, find a smiling face, watch the birds and squirrels truly fight for survival, then we may be able to appreciate the cars we drive, the comforts we have, the smallest luxury (like running water) and know that exhaustion is not so bad when it means that we're providing important things for our children. We're working to keep the lights on and food flowing, to keep school supplies in backpacks and entertainment on weekends. Taking a few deep breaths in the middle of a work day will help us to remember that people have never changed, only technology changes. We have the same basic instincts and emotions that we've always had, joy and pleasure being two of them that, in our hectic lives, often get pushed aside or contorted into things that can only be felt without our children present. The opposite is true. Joy is felt when we tickle our kids and chase them around like "monsters". Pleasure is felt when we cuddle up at night and our three year old daughters, or five year old boys say, "I love you, Mommy." These moments are precious and fleeting. Accept the exhaustion for what it is - a sign of a hard working, loving and caring parent, then reward yourself with daily five minute eternities watching the world run around outside of yourself to remind you that the feeling of being overloaded comes from within. The trees still grow at the same rate, regardless of how people feel. The squirrel still seeks food, regardless of what we need. The grass reaches toward the sun and survives under hundreds of pounding feet, even when we feel trampled. Exhaustion is the reward for hard work. It helps us to sleep at night and to remain calm throughout hectic days. Energy returns, in brief bursts, to help us get through the most important events in our lives, but exhaustion is what we notice the most. Noticing how it all ties together to make one beautiful life is the greatest reward that we can give ourselves!

IEP Overview

2010-07-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

IEPs, or Individualized Education Plans, are very important for students with special needs. It took many invisible warrior-parents countless hours to get the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) passed. If you have a child with special needs, or a friend or relative has a child with special needs, there are a few things that you can do to ensure that the child's needs are being met. First, if the educators are using "education jargon", speaking quickly, and pushing for the parent to just sign the papers and end the IEP meeting, then red flags should be going up everywhere! Ideal IEP meetings have atmospheres of "inclusion", meaning that the parent/guardian is included in the IEP process and their ideas and knowledge are asked for during the meeting. If the IEP meeting is not "inclusive" then find a family advocate, like myself, who understands the process and bring them along. Parents have the right to bring an advocate to IEP meetings. If the IEP team doesn't seem comfortable with the parent having an advocate, that's another red flag! Next, be sure to keep the lines of communication open. Teachers are often overworked, underpaid, and sometimes even unsure of what they're doing (like all human beings), so be sure that the child's needs are being met by keeping in constant contact with the teacher, asking about specific parts of the IEP and how they're being addressed. For example, let's say a Parent named Lisa has a twelve year old special needs child named George. Lisa can make an appointment with George's teacher every Friday to discuss how the week went and keep it focused on what George did well, what he accomplished. Lisa can also prepare for each meeting by noting the goals of the IEP - let's say that one of George's IEP goals is to learn the multiplication tables. Lisa can ask the teacher how George is progressing on that, can inform her of what she and George are doing at home to work on multiplication tables, and can then ask what the teacher plans to do over the next week. Advocacy is a simply complex struggle for individual rights, but can mean the difference between success and failure on many levels in school, at home and later in life. I will post more about this process and what parents can do, if anybody is interested. The link to the IDEA website is: http://idea.ed.gov/

Mending Fences in Families and Education

2010-06-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

It seems like my nephews were in diapers just a few years ago, but they're all grown up now. I often wonder what affect I've had on them. A positive one, hopefully. I always try to walk that fine line between having fun with kids and ensuring that I'm responsible and mature enough so that they feel secure. I remember walking with one of my nephews when he was 5 or 6 and was already getting in trouble in kindergarten. I observed his movements, how he used a stick to touch every fence board we passed, and paid close attention to his words. I really wanted to know what he thought. We talked about "following through" and being a "man of your words". He got that. I watched him stop at the end of a unique "fence" made of heavy chain and, without thinking, pick up a piece that had come apart, fiddle with it for a moment, and figure out how to re-connect it. This child, who was in trouble at school, figured out something that some of my friends could not have fixed. He fixed a stranger's fence without having to be asked. He understood the concepts of honesty and integrity and the strengths that they build within a person. We had fun that day and he learned some new concepts. I learned that strong, intelligent children can't always fix the broken chains of the educational system, but they keep on trying. If we would only listen and observe more and sit around in meetings less...

LIghten Up! Learn and Have Fun.

2010-06-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

While most workers complain about their managers (mine probably do), they probably don't see that some managers truly appreciate them. We all can get "lost" in the moments of everyday and not realize that, even though somebody is telling us to do something that we don't like, they are simultaneously appreciating us for what we do, caring about us, and aware of our interdependence. My biggest "management mistake" is that I don't know how to have "fun". I enjoy working, so it's "fun" for me. Studying theories, discussing difficult topics... that's all "fun" to me. I'm lucky enough, however, to have some co-workers who will talk to me about the need for adults to have fun while they learn (just as kids do). They get a little defensive when I don't understand, but that's okay because I'm stubborn and too often seek to be understood first. How many parents get into the same types of situations? A child is trying to express something, but the parent can't (or won't) understand, and then frustration and arguments ensue because the parent wants the child to understand his/her point of view first. A kid, for example, is just having "fun" pretending to paint with water on the porch and gets in trouble, even though the porch will, eventually, dry up. No harm done, but the child did safely learn something about the properties of water and build some skills. That's what my staff is trying to help me understand now, and that's what I'm trying to share with you. I see it well in children, but not adults. We "old folk" can have fun while learning, too. Why not get down with your kid and "paint" the porch with a brush and some water? It's water! You could paint the whole house and not hurt anything, but it will help the child to learn, to build coordination and muscle skills, and everyone will have one more great memory to put in the most important "bank" of all. Thanks to my staff for being patient with me and helping me to see that adult learning can, and should, be fun! Thanks to those of you who read this blog, I know that it can be "technical" and not so "fun", so I'm going to try to incorporate more fun stories, anecdotes, etc. in future posts. Keep it tuned to this channel and let's have fun going down this slide of life!

The Only Real Job

2010-06-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

Work, work, work! Sometimes that's all that we think about. Work, bills, recreation, and so many other things that make our lives very, very busy. It seems like there's a never ending "to do" list on ever refrigerator. There's one job, however, that must come before them all because it is the only true job in the world. Parenting. Strip away all of the technology, this computer, cars, houses, and everything else that we humans have made to make life "easier" (is that working?) and we all have the same job at some point in life. The job of an adult human is to raise children to be adult humans. That's it. Hunting, gathering, working - it's all part of the job of raising children and survival of the species. With that in mind, we need to remember to drop what we're doing and take our children fishing, hunting, to the library, bike riding, to play basketball, to feed the ducks at the park... whatever we like to do with our children, that's what we need to do. Our lives together are brief and our #1 job is raising children, so let's take it seriously, but also remember that we are the bosses and if we say "Let's have some fun!" then we can have fun! Stay firm, be consistent, and spend that time parenting that will truly pay off in the end.

Work it OUT!

2010-06-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

In the world of early childhood education (ECE) there is an imaginary controversy between the role that genetics play in the development of a child's behavior, personality, skills, etc. and the role that the parents and caregivers play. It's called "Nature vs. Nurture" and it is simply silly! It also shows the need for a higher level of professionalism, education, and critical thinking in the world of early childhood education. Biology, for example, is always called "Biology". Early childhood educators, however, can't agree on something as simple as a name; therefore, the field is sometimes referred to as "child development". Which one is right? Who cares? We just need to find ONE name and stick to it! Doing so will allow us to differentiate between daycare, pre-school, and other education categories. Today, you can go to college for biology and become a biologist. You can go to school for ECE and open a daycare, work at a daycare, teach pre-school, work with developmentally disabled students, work in public schools, etc. The field doesn't differentiate between the drastically different jobs that educators who work with young children have, which means that we can't "specialize" and must, therefore, use whomever we can find to work with children, regardless of special gifts, needs, challenges, or situations. What this means is that the lowest paid, least educated and least experienced employees are usually placed in "one on one" situations with the children who have the most diverse and challenging needs. This is like having the least experienced, lowest paid nurse in a hospital working with the critical care patients. It has a severe impact on the children and families who are expecting the best, but getting the worst. There are times when a "Special Needs Aide", earning just over minimum wage, has a "natural talent", or experience with his/her own child(ren) that allows him/her to provide high levels of service, but that is the exception, not the rule. These disputes over ECE or Child Development, nature or nurture, and other ridiculous tiffs that educators won't find the middle ground on, leave the field in a crisis and those affected are those whom we all care for the most. In a world where we teach "cooperation over competition" we also argue over nature vs. nurture, a competitive name for two factors that must, do, and always will cooperate with one another. ECE instructors, daycare providers, child development professionals, pre-school teachers, and others who fall under the gigantic umbrella of ECE (or child development) must learn to do the same. Nobody's perfect, but let's at least agree on a name, put the most educated/experienced with the children who have the highest needs, and reach the next level of professionalism.

Time to Make Time

2010-06-15T03:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the blogosphere! Our daughters are growing up fast! The oldest is bi-lingual and learning numbers and letters in English and Spanish. The youngest is beginning to talk and walk. It's so exciting! We live in a beautiful, tree and animal filled, rural community. Sarah, our three year old, told me that we have "sparkly nights". Brilliant description, no? Also, a perfect reminder of why it's so important to actually slow down and listen to our kids. One of my coworkers mentioned that parents are always in such a hurry that they don't seem to have the time to do positive guidance and/or discipline. I'm glad that she brought that point up. We talked about the world being able to "wait", but that the child can't wait. The T.V. can be turned off without any major consequences. Dinner can be 15 minutes late and people won't starve. 90% of whatever people are doing can be "put off" for a few minutes so that the child's need for guidance can be met. Your T.V. will not suffer without your eyes and ears, but your child will; which will you choose?

Fall, Beautiful Fall!

2009-10-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

The trees are changing color, the sky clouding up and the temperature is fluctuating. Fall has risen and it's a perfect time to discuss seasons with your kids. Collect beautiful leaves, make things with them, draw them with your kids, welcome the abundant harvests, go to a local Farmer's Market and talk to your kids about the hard work that goes into producing food. Ask the farmer's to explain what they have to do to get food from the earth to the market. Make pumpkin, zuchinni, and other "breads". Let them "stir" the batters, pour them, and eat them! The melons are ripe and delicious ritht now, acorn squash can be almost as sweet and soft, and tree-ripened apples are just around the corner. It's also a good time to talk about the importance of corn, cultivated by the Native Americans, in our world and give thanks to the Native cultures for sharing it with us. That gift saved many lives and continues to be an important part of our world. Let your kids know about the many contributions of Native cultures like corn, archery, basketry, pottery, games, and respect for the land and all of the critters who live amongst us, among other things. Take the next few weeks to enjoy feeling the "chill" in the morning air, to watch the world transisition into winter and teach your children how important the seasonal changes are, the harvest is, and the pleasures of being alive!

Mistakes We all Make

2009-10-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

One of the most difficult things to do, as a parent, care provider, or teacher, is admit to a child that you've made a mistake. Most people hide their mistakes from their children, which is, ironically, a mistake. Much of what children do "wrong" in the eyes of a parent are simply "mistakes" through the eyes of the child. It's important to recognize that teaching will have more of an impact than punishing in situations where a child "mistakenly" pours milk onto her plate because she wants to see what will happen and isn't yet aware of what "wasting food" is or what a "mess" it will make. She's simply curious. Our response should be not to "yell over spilled milk." Instead, explain the natural consequences. "Now you're food is ruined. How will you drink your milk if it's on your plate? The milk needs to stay in your cup, honey." Get it? Now, when a parent makes a mistake, such as yelling over the spilled milk, then later realizes the mistake, the parent must be brave enough to apologize. We expect it from our children when they mess up, don't we? A parent needs to learn to say "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't need to yell at you for that. I wanted you to be able to eat your dinner and we don't like to waste food, so I got upset. I'll try to remember next time to choose my words better, okay?" Parents who do this with their children give their children the gift of reality. Children can then see their parents as normal, imperfect people and will, therefore, be willing to admit their own mistakes more readily, accept the mistakes of their parents and forgive themselves and others. It sets up a cycle of acceptance, forgiveness, sharing, and learning from our mistakes. What more could a child want from those who love her?

For the Love of Reading...

2009-10-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

A new and exciting job awaits me next week. Beginning Monday Oct. 12th I'll be an Even Start Director. Even Start is a family literacy program. We help people to get their G.E.D.'s, basic adult education, and spend time reading alone and to their kids. So, today, I want to encourage everybody to read more. Read your children to sleep at least 5 nights per week. 15 - 30 minutes of reading each day will greatly increase the number of neurons that your child's brain grows, give them problem solving and social skills and teach them that books are fun and important. Take a moment to think about all of the books, manuals, etc. that people use everyday, everywhere. Cookbooks, textbooks, instruction manuals, pamphlets, and flyers. Every movie, T.V. show, or play is first written. Writing is as critical as speaking. Imagine a world with no words, then be thankful that you can read this. Some people can't. You can read to children from womb to whenever they get tired of it! They can read to you at some point. What books would you like to share with your children?

The Art of Childhood

2009-10-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Today I want to talk about art, but first I'd like to thank all of you who read my blog. We all want to be heard and I get that support from you, so THANK YOU! Hopefully, you hear your children - especially what they don't have the words to say. Today, however, I'm wondering if anybody ever scrolls down to look at the bottom of the blog. I have an "astronomy pic of the day" and fine art images by Miro, Dali, and Picasso to, hopefully, inspire people to keep art alive and to share it with their kids. Where would the world be without art? It's the language of the heart. We painted on rocks before we built houses. We wrote novels and poems before we wrote scientific volumes. Art is part of our human heritage, across cultures and throughout time. I came home the other night to find my daughter Sarah, who will be 3 in November, painting with watercolors at the table. "Wanna come paint with me, Daddy?" She said. I could hear the excitement and sense the euphoric feeling of painting that she wanted to share with me. How could I resist? I sat down and, rather than painting like an adult, I copied her style of painting. This painting happened to be composed of long, straight lines of different colors running vertically up and down the page. We sat and painted, which also led to communication skills being developed. "What color next, Daddy?" "I don't know, honey. Which color do you want?" "Um, green!" Then she'd dip her brush and I could see her trying to decide where to place the line, where to put the color. Her mind was seeking balance in the image, a sense of placement, space, and color coordination. We talked and painted. I learned more about my daughter and she learned more about painting, color arrangement and composition. Remember to paint, color, sculpt, etc. in the way that the child does. The simple gesture of taking a few minutes to do art with your child, and mirror her skill level, shows her that what she does is important to you. You can introduce one new concept each time, but be careful not to "outdo" your child. As I sat and painted with my daughter I thought to myself, "This is what it's all about." What do you think?

Time Will Tell, but Will We Hear?

2009-09-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be short because too many words, or even too many thoughts, will get in the way of accomplishing this one, so read closely and then please, please, please ACT on it! Here it is:
We're lucky to be alive today, regardless of our present health. We're lucky to have our children with us, regardless of their abilities or "levels" of development. Enjoy EVERY minute, frustrating or not, with your children because it will, one day, be stripped from you. If not by the worst possible scenarios than by the natural process of aging, growing, and moving on. Love them now. Get down on the floor and play. Build a fort. Make some mudpies, no matter how tired you are, because we only have so many minutes to make mudpies! Then, enjoy cleaning it up because you're cleaning with someone whom you love in a way that only a parent can understand. Enjoy EVERY minute with your kids as if it was the last, even if it's not, because at the very least it'll create wonderful memories to look back on when they grow up and move on and you're in a rocking chair with gray hair. NOW IS THE ONLY TIME THAT WE HAVE TO ENJOY OUR CHILDREN AS CHILDREN! They will, hopefully, become adults and we'll all grow old and miss their mischief, so include yourself in it! That's it. HAVE FUN!!!!!

Bribery vs. Honesty

2009-09-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

Desperate times require desperate measures, right? When a parent needs their child to stop peeing on the floor and make it to the toilet because dinner's on the stove, the baby is crying, and a news flash is pulling her toward the T.V. then something has to give. So, most parents "give" the toddler some kind of "reward" for making it to the potty. It's very popular, even among many teachers, to use what we call "extrinsic motivators" to get kids to do something, like pee in the toilet. "Extrinsic" means "outside of one's self". When a parent uses "extrinsic motivators" it creates an expectation that the parent "owes" the child something. If the parent doesn't have something to "reward" the child with, say, on a trip to the store, then the child can, and will, throw a fit, pee on the floor on purpose, etc. The child will expect to be "rewarded" for doing things that the child should do naturally, such as normal bodily functions. The child will also develop an unhealthy sense of "entitlement" - which means that, when they're older, they'll feel that they're "entitled" to things like expensive clothes, fancy tech toys, nice cars, etc. rather than feeling like they need to "earn" such things. The goal is for children to be motivated "intrinsically", or from the "inside". Rather than using a candy to "reward" the child for peeing in the toilet, use "natural consequences" and "specific praise" as "intrinsic motivators" for the child. If a child pees on the floor, hand her a towel, say "If you pee in the toilet you can keep playing, but you peed on the floor so you have to stop playing and clean it up. Do you want me to help you?" Then, have her clean it up (no matter how imperfectly). If she pees in the toilet, simply say "You did it! You peed in the toilet and so now you can play instead of having to clean it up off the floor." A child doesn't need our judgment - "Good job" or "Bad girl". They need to hear EXACTLY what they did correctly. Note the difference between the simple statement of "You peed in the toilet." and "Good job." The first one tells the child what he did correctly, the second simply "judges" what he did without any indication of what the parent has noticed. These simple tricks work extremely well. Simply remember the following:
1. Avoid "extrinsic motivators" because they lead to feelings of "entitlement" and the need for "rewards".
2. Tell children what "to do" so that they know what to do! (They usually already know what "not to do".)
3. Use "specific praise" to describe what you see when the child does something well, or correctly. "You picked up all of your books. That helps to keep the house clean. Thanks, Francine!"
4. Do all of the above CONSISTENTLY and, I promise, it will work.
5. If your child has special needs, then contact me at ajs@talespinnerpublications.com and I can go into more detail about techniques to use to help your specific child and his/her specific needs.
6. Have fun whenever you can! Accidental spills can be fun to clean if you're laughing! Putting toys away can be fun if you're testing how fast your hands are! Silliness is born into us and stressed out of us, so relax and silly yourself up a little. Your kids will love you for it!

Candy Cries! Tantrums in Stores.

2009-09-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

"I want that, Mommy!" The little girl drops on the floor and screams. "No, Daddy! I want the candy!" A young boy smacks his father on the leg while stopping to pay for gas. What is a parent to do?
If the child is still an infant, the process of learning to wait can be implemented easier than if the child is 2.5 or 3 yrs. old. And, it's not just about learning to wait (which is called "delayed gratification"), it's also about respect, listening, understanding, and an internal sense of security. It sounds like a lot, but we can do all that, as parents, through a few easy steps.
1. If you have to hurry to the store and back, leave the toddler at home because he will need to explore and interact with the environment.
2. Prepare the child ahead of time. "We're going to the store to buy milk. We don't need anything else, but you can look at the toys if you can put them back when it's time to go." Always wait for a response from the child and repeat the directions until the child responds "in kind" to the rules that you've set.
3. Make sure to make time to take your toddler to the store, let her explore, play gently and carefully with the items in the store, and then return them to their places on the shelves. Ex: "Mommy, I want that teddy bear!" "Okay, honey, I'll get it down for you, you can play with it for a minute, and then we have to put it away, okay?" The child doesn't answer. "Okay?" The mother insists upon a response that shows understanding. "Okay." The little girl knows that she's expected to return the item. "Look, Mommy, it has brown eyes." "I see that." The mom interacts with her daughter for a minute or two, then reminds her that they have to put it away. "Do you want me to lift you up so you can put it away by yourself?" "Yes, Mommy." Take the time to play. Let them explore and they'll let you set the guidelines, time lines and rules for that exploration.
4. Avoid rewarding the child for "good" behavior by buying a toy at the end. It's more effective to buy toys "at random". If the child throws a tantrum in the store, simply pick her up, carry her outside the store, let her calm down, then ask if she's ready to listen, go back into the store and give her a chance to "do it over". Give her a chance to succeed. If the child does exactly what you ask the first time, just let it slide. She succeeded. A simple acknowledgment, such as "You put all the toys away after you played with them." does not judge or "over praise" the child, but provides "specific praise". Specific praise lets the child know that the parent notices their growth, their strengths, and their accomplishments without being judgmental.
5. Have fun! Kids love to have fun and actually feel more secure when we set the limits for them to have fun within. When he's acting within the acceptable limits - meaning nothing and nobody's getting hurt - then go ahead and laugh, be silly, enjoy the precious time with your child. It'll build happy memories for you and your child, and you can't buy those in any store!

Where We Live - Environmental Guidance

2009-09-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Imagine a world of giant chairs, high shelves, and tall people who could pick you up and move you like a sack of potatoes. That's the world of a toddler, pre-schooler, kindergartner and even early elemtary school age child. Now, imagine that you have no say, no control, and nothing in that world designed, set up, or created for you, your needs, your size, or your desires. How would you feel? Young children often feel frustrated by having to live in rooms created by, and for, adults. Look around the living room on your knees and wonder what they see. Are there bookshelves two feet off the ground with books that the child can access? Are there toy drawers, or a toy box, in the "common" area of the house, like a living or family room? Is the furniture arranged in a way that prevents a child from, say, running full speed from the kitchen, down the hall, and straight out the door that was accidentally left open? One way to guide children without words is to arrange the environment to guide them. Put a chair or table in the middle of a "runway" to prevent the child from running through the house. Low shelves can provide access to their own items. Around 3 yrs of age, depending on the child's personal developmental levels, a bottom shelf of the refrigerator can be filled with small containers containing snacks that the child can access without the help of an adult. Cut up carrots, celery, red and yellow bellpeppers, grapes, apples, and other things can be easily grabbed and eaten up by the child and we parents don't have to lift a finger, stop what we're doing, or get out the cutting board to satisfy our "baby". Provide places for toys in common areas because children will develop faster when they feel included and when adults interact with them on their level - which is usually the floor. What does your house look like to a child?

Needs vs. Wants

2009-09-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

Every parent, at some point, thinks about what their child(ren) need(s) most. In today's over-stimulating world it can be easy to forget what children actually need. They (we) need clean air, clean water, fresh food, love, guidance, and time and space to play and explore. Everything else, from T.V. to cell phones, is simply "extra" and not necessary to the health of children. Money is not an issue, so focus on time, because you can't buy time with your children. Money is not an issue, so focus on experience, because you can't buy the lessons that come from having fun, educational experiences with children. Children can learn more from a trip into the woods, watching bugs and birds and playing with sticks, than a day at the museum or mall. Children learn from their parents. Parents who eat vegetables have children who eat vegetables. Parents who love to learn have children who love to learn. These are, of course, generalizations, but they hold true for most people. What children need is parents, caregivers, and the planet to be healthy. Remember that the next time your child "needs" a new toy or the newest technological gadget. Take them camping and leave the "electronics" at home. You'll have everything you need, they'll have everything that they need and, maybe, learn the difference between "need" and "want". "Needs" satisfy and support us while "wants" lead to suffering for more and more and more. What do you and your children really need?

Target Practice! (Potty Training Boys)

2009-08-27T06:52:00.000-07:00

Potty training boys can seem more like training an Army sniper with a bad aim, a bad attitude and a brain disorder. You've gotta get him to hit the target, whether he wants to or not, and stay focused long enough to finish the job. Children can, generally, begin to be potty trained between 16 and 24 months. Any earlier and they simply don't have the muscles, or neurons, to do it. First, let's try to understand him. The muscles that work best in him are the BIG muscles, those that throw, jump, push, pull, etc. The "small" muscles, like those that control the fingers, the eyelids, lips, and the bladder, develop faster in females, so expect to work a little longer with your boy than one would with a girl. His brain has not yet developed the area that controls emotion (he's working on it, though), so expect him to revert to "baby crying" as a form of communication when he gets confused or doesn't want to comply. It's just a natural reaction when one has only a few hundred words in their vocabulary. Just ast the brain is developing the area that controls emotions and comprehends words, logic, etc., his body is still growing the muscles that control bodily fluids. Now, knowing that his "small" muscles are hard for him to control, the important things are to remember that when he pees on the kitchen floor, or almost makes it to the bathroom, but not quite, and avoid "punishing" him for the accidents and yelling or cleaning it up for him. Instead, when he has an accident, tell him that it's a mess (not "he" made a mess, but "There's a mess now, and it needs to be cleaned up), explain to him that he has a toilet to use, have him help clean it up as if it was simply some water that accidentally spilled and then he can wash his hands (and kids usually love "playing" in the water, so hand washing is fun and easy) and, if possible, have him flush whatever he used to clean it up down the toilet (so, the parent can use a towel to "help" him clean up, and he can use some toilet paper). If he has to help clean it up, then he will begin to connect that it's a mess, like any other that he sees you clean up, and will (subconsciously) try to avoid making the mess. If he doesn't have to help clean it up then he won't understand why peeing on the floor is a problem. Next, ask him every 30 - 60 minutes if he has to use the bathroom. Often, they simply forget and/or can't "feel" that they need to go. Asking him if he has to use it will get him to "feel" his insides, his bladder, and get a sense for when it is full. When he says that he has to go, GO! Don't put him off, tell him to wait, etc. Drop everything and go with him. That's what you want, right, for him to tell you when he has to go? But, he needs the parent or caregiver to help him. It's all new to him, so he needs guidance. Listen to him, help him. When he does go in the toilet, then avoid giving him treats, or being cheesy like "Oh, you're such a good little boy! Great job, buddy!" Children can sense the "overdone" aspect of such comments and they carry very little meaning. He's looking for your guidance, not your judgement. Instead, use specific praise about what he did well. "You peed in the toilet." is usually enough, but you can also say things like "You held it in all the way from the car into the bathroom." or "You are learning to use the potty!" Get it? SPECIFIC praise has meaning, tells him what he did, EXACTLY, that you're so happy about. It gives him a sense of accomplishment and lets him know what he did "right". Expect to do that for about 3 wks, even 4 for some boys. Be patient and Consistent! Do you respond better/listen better to people who are patient with you or people who are curt and punish you for your mistakes when you're learning something new? Don't confuse patience with being slack, though. Firm, consistent, strong willed discipline helps children the most, especially boys. Patience means waiting out his tantrum and then firmly, consistently, going back to the task at hand until he can accomplish it, even if it's with the parent or caregiver's help. Keep your focus so that he will learn to keep his. Don't let him out of it, don't let his words distract you. Bring him back to it, "Ready to clean up the mess, Hunter?" over and over again until he's ready. In the end it'll teach him that you're trustworthy because you're consistent and that you're strong because you're firm and focused, which will, ultimately, make him feel safer and more secure in the world. Another thing to do is to do stuff with him that uses his "fine motor skills", such as drawing with small pens and getting him to practice "holding" them correctly, making small circles with them (don't use those "jumbo" markers - it'd be like an adult writing with a broomstick). Have him pour things from one container to another, slowly and carefully. You can start with pouring "dry" things, like rice, since it's easier to clean up (keep a tiny broom and dust pan for him to "help" you clean up the spills). Have him use large, pre-school type tweezers to move things, like large wooden beads, from one bowl to another. Have him try to pick things up with his toes. All of these activities that use "small" muscles will help his brain to develop the neurons to control the small muscles. If, after that, he's still not going in the potty, the parent may need to use some more "assertive" techniques, but those are only to be used when reminders and specific praise don't work over a 3-4 wk period. The boy may have a few accidents after that, but he should be able to use the toilet 99% of the time. So, let's review:

Ask him every 30 - 60 minutes if he needs to use the bathroom.
If he has an accident, avoid "punishment" and have him help to clean it up, then wash hands.
#2 is not an "option" for him, he has to help to clean it up, even if he cries, whines, moans, or throws a fit. Leave "it" until his fit is done, then ask him if he'd like you to help him to clean it up. Don't give up on this one, it shows him that he's responsible, that it's easier to pee in the toilet, and that you care enough about his development to NEVER give up on him, regardless of the fits that he throws.
Use "specific" praise to let him know what he did "right" so that he may repeat those actions.
Create and involve him in activities that use the "small" muscles.
Be patient and consistent. Let me repeat that - Be patient and Consistent!
Contact me if anything is unclear or needs more explanation - I don't edit these posts and I've gotta get ready for work! Hope this helps.

Yes and No

2009-08-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

When you make a mistake at work do you want to be forgiven, taught how to do accomplish the task, or told "No!" and punished for it? "No, Jenny, that's not how you do it. Go home today, you wont' be paid for tomorrow, either, because you didn't know how to write out that report!" What effect would that have on your future relationship with your boss, your future work performance, and your desire to return to work? What effect would compassion and understanding have, instead? Think about that when your children make mistakes. Often, when they say "No" to a parent it is simply a mistake because they don't know their boundaries, their limits, and are really asking the parent to help them to learn those things. More importantly, many things that parents say "No" to have a "Yes". For example, a 12 yr old girl wants to go to the mall, but it's almost dinner time, mom has a million things to do, the girl has school the next day, etc. The parent can say "No", or the parent can say "Yes, you can go to the mall on Friday, but today we need to eat dinner and get a good night's sleep." It seems trite, but creates a ripple effect within the child's consciousness. The child is not "smacked" in the face with a "NO!" but is, instead, given hope and a sense that her needs will be met. She needs to socialize, to explore the adult world with her friends in a relatively safe place, and she needs to learn when it's going to be effective and helpful for her to go. As parents we can often say "yes", but simply use "no" out of habit. "Yes, you can have a cookie, tomorrow after school. Right now we can read a book or... I can tickle you into your pajamas!" Our words will have an effect on their development. Let's catch them doing things right, use "Yes" whenever we can, tell them what "to do" rather than what "not to do" - "Bobby, put the bat down and take a bath, please." rather than "Bobby, stop hitting the chair and get your butt into the tub before I..." You get it. "Yes" feels better than "No" and is just as true, gives us hope, and creates less battles while providing more guidance, more options and, therefore, more choice. Don't confuse this with saying "Yes" to everything the child wants, it's specifically a way to avoid saying "No" and creating conflict. It's specifically used to help the child understand her boundaries. It's specifically used to stay focused on the positive. I hope it's used more often in each home that these words reach into, and each heart that understands the power of compassion.

Passing Time

2009-08-22T05:21:00.000-07:00

This morning I seem to have that "time passes too quickly" feeling. I wish that I could slow it down, spend the entire day playing, guiding, and giggling with the kids who call me "Daddy". I'm so lucky to be with them, to learn with them, to share the fleeting moments of my fragile life with them. Do any other parents feel this way? I leave for work and feel a cord, my unseen umbilical, pulling me back to my daughters, my wife, and my home. I return from work and feel the cord go slack, my muscles relax, and my giggle bone kicks in. Sarah has been "hiding" from me when I come home lately, so that I will go and search for her, of course. It adds an immediate touch of laughter to my long day and makes me feel so loved, so wanted and needed that I can only thank her by picking her up and tickling her to tears! Last night we went so far as to build a fort in the living room, excuse me, a "tent" is what she called it. "Not a fort, Dad. It's my tent." Okay, so we built a tent. Have you built a blanket tent as an adult? It's just as fun as, only less comfortable then, when you were 3, or 4, or 5. It still has that "womb-like" sensation of being in a small, warm, dark and safe place. It still brings imagination to the forefront and puts worry, fear, anxiety, sadness, and everything else on the back burner. Maybe tonight we'll cook some green beans and carrots on her "stove", visit with Smokey the Bear in our imaginary forest, catch and release some ethereal fish and then settle in with some books before bed. I guess that time doesn't need to slow down, I just need to savor the moments that we spend together.

The Tone of Tantrums

2009-08-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

"No, Mommy! I don't wanna walk! I wanna ride in the stroller!" Sarah insisted one day when her little sister needed the stroller for a family walk. After that she screamed, pouted, and even fall onto the sidewalk and refused to get up. That was okay. Parents often base their own images on the behavior of their children, but children are people, not mirrors. They have their own moods, their own desires, and their own needs. If Sarah wants to throw a fit, then we let her throw a fit. This behavior is temporary, is about her understanding of how much control she has over us and over herself, and is fading quickly. I just picked her up off the sidewalk, carried her up to her bed and sat with her until she calmed down. Once a child is calm, then a parent can speak with her. "Are you ready to go for a walk, now?" I asked. "Yeah." She sniffed. "Okay, let's go! Let's get those strong legs movin'!" I used a tone of excitement. My mood drove her mood, once she broke out of the control issue, and I excited her by being excited myself. I was excited that she stopped pouting, excited to go on a walk with the family, and excited about how strong she's getting. Emotions show through the parent's voice, so understand that your children are sensing your mood through your tone, your words, and your actions. It's not all about their tantrum and how that reflects on the parent. Understand that their behaviors are not an embarrassment to the parent, but a step towards learning self control. Their tantrums need not be your tantrums. The tone of the tantrum will be set by the parental reactions. Your calm will become their calm. You're patience will help them, your empathy will pull them out of themselves and towards you. Rather than try to "change" them, stand apart from their emotions and simply be there for them when they calm down. Let them grow into their own identities. We are all interdependent, but each as our own "selves". Enjoy the tantrums, you may one day miss the little buggers :-)

Sleep? What's that?

2009-08-15T04:44:00.000-07:00

Sarah, our two yr old, rarely naps and can run on "turbo" from 7 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. without stopping for gas. She woke me up at 2:30 this morning, wanting a drink of water, and I haven't been asleep since, but she's sound asleep now. I've always had the same ability to sleep little and work (or play) hard. We're even seeing signs of it in our 4 month old, Frances, who takes two or three fifteen or twenty minute naps a day. It's go, go, go for my poor wife and, although she may not see it, I feel for her! I know that she's a normal sleeper who needs 8.5 hrs a night but only gets 3 or 4 hrs of sleep at a time. She, somehow, manages to keep her sanity (although her patience often wears thin by the day's end, as does everybody's). I thought that we were just freaks of nature and, it turns out, we are! A new study by researchers at the University of California at San Francisco revealed that the gene DEC2 regulates the "internal clock" and that some people have a mutation in this gene, causing them to sleep less than the "average" individuals yet function just as well. It also showed, in mice and humans, that it allows us to recover from sleep deprivation faster than the average person. My wife, on the other hand, needs something to help her recover from us! God love her... I know I do!

Monkey in the Middle

2009-08-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

One thing that I see happen quite often is that parents are either punishment oriented, or they do little or nothing about discipline (because they fear being punishment oriented). To clarify things, positive guidance lies right in the middle. A parent doesn't have to be firm, consistent, and patient. A parent doesn't have to be calm, communicate clearly, or be understanding. Finding the middle ground, however, where one can be flexible enough to be firm when a child isn't listening, to consistently follow through with the rules (especially when one doesn't want to), and patient enough to seek to understand what the child needs, feels, and/or wants, will create strong bonds and help the child to understand the parent's needs, wants, etc. Too nice can lead to children pushing even harder - running loose around stores, not listening, screaming at inappropriate times just to get a response - in order to get the parent to set limits for her. Too cruel can lead to the same thing, only instead of laughing and not listening, the child will probably be cussing and not listening. If you want your child to listen then listen to your child's body language, observe what he or she needs or wants on a regular basis, learn to anticipate what's coming by recognizing behaviors. A parent must be able to say "No" calmly, clearly, and consistently and show the child that he/she is serious. It's not a game. After the "fit" that often follows, a parent must understand that the child needs to be nurtured so that they know that they simply made a mistake and didn't "let the parent down". Hug your child, tell them that they can try again next time and then move on to something, but avoid "treating" the child. Just move on to a normal activity or leave the child alone to read, play, etc. In the middle you'll find the answers.

The Edge of Sanity

2009-08-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

There are times when 2 yr olds can push a parent to the edge of sanity. Times when they whine, cry, and use "No" to push every button on the "parental control panel". These are the times to step back and remember something very important, but often forgotten. A 2 yr old child has a very small vocabulary - only about 250 words on average - and, therefore, cannot express frustration, fear, and most other emotions that we can express as adults. A 2 yr old has only been alive for 2 yrs! A 2 yr old has only been really talking for less than a year! Remember, when you want to pull your hair out and start swinging things, that this child before you is in between being an infant and being a child, just as a teenager is trapped between childhood and adulthood (you remember that awkward phase, right?). It is a very confusing time for the child. The situations may be difficult for the parent, but they are nearly incomprehensible to the child. The child depends on the parent or caregiver to guide him or her through it. As she screams, spits, kicks, and falls to the floor in dramatic fashion, remember that she is just confused, frustrated, and does not yet understand what power and control she has over her own life. Help your child to set limits and understand what she can say "Yes" and "No" to by being consistent with your rules and, when she calms down, then sitting and talking with her about things like "If you say No then you get into trouble, but if you clean up your toys then you can lay out your blanket, or play with another toy, or sit with me, etc." Many options open up with the word "Yes", a 2 yr old simply needs to learn how, and why we cooperate with one another. Remember to see your child as "in transition" from an infant, who communicates through "coos and cries" to a "child", who communicates with words and body language. Give them room to grow and patience enough to correct the mistakes that they usually make by accident or in an attempt to understand a boundary. Love them now, while they are still little, and they will love you back. Understand them now, when they need it the most, and they will understand you later, when you need it the most. Tell me, what are your hottest buttons and what keeps you calm and cool?

BREAKING NEWS!

2009-07-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS! Two Year Olds Throw Tantrums! Hard to believe, I know, but it's true. Sarah, our lovely daughter, is in the midst of Toddler Tantrum Mania. She walked into the room where my wife and I were sitting with the baby and said "Now, you two be good in here, okay?" And pointed her finger at us. This seemed cute, but it was really an unconscious testing of her boundaries and what "power" she has over us. We don't say those words to her, so we're assuming that she got them from my wife's cousin, who does say that to the kids when they're playing. We don't use those words because they lead to what happened last night. The child "mirrors" the parent to see if they can get some of that control, but what they're really seeking is the self-control that adults have. If a toddler does this, then a parent can expect that the child will throw a major tantrum when she's tired, over anything, and Sarah did! She was furious when we asked her to clean up her toys, brush her teeth, and get ready for bed (something that we do EVERY night). I removed her from the living room, gently set her on her bed, and waited for her to calm down. When she wanted down I would ask her if she was ready to put her toys up. She said "NO!" several times and burst into tears. A parent must then wait for the child to calm down and, when he/she's calm, then explain that saying "No" leads to getting into "trouble" while cleaning up leads to more play time after clean up, toothbrushing, and pajamas. (We always have her get ready for bed about 1 hr before bed time in order to give her time to "wind down", usually with books). It took her twenty minutes to understand that following our "regular routine" would be easier, more fun, and more pleasant than sitting on the bed with Dad until she could "listen". Also, make sure to offer your help. "I can help you clean up when you're ready." I had to "offer" my help about 3 or 4 times and explain that she could play (as usual) or read books after getting ready for bed. She finally calmed down, as all children will do once they realize that the parent is going to remain consistent and caring, hugged me, we cleaned up, brushed teeth, got pajamas on, and read books. She fell asleep within the hour, listening to me read and cradled up against me. For all the challenges, the positive guidance and discipline paid off as my precious daughter curled up at my side and slipped into a comfortable, relaxing sleep. Remember that guidance and discipline are harder for the child than the adult. Stay calm while the child trows a tantrum and they will calm down MUCH faster. Love and help them when they do calm down. Reward them with attention when they listen. They're only little for so long so, above all, I hope that patience allows parents to step back, watch the tantrum, and know that it's just a behavior, teach the child to get their needs met in other ways, then play, play, play! It's no surprise that 2 yr olds throw tantrums, so don't let the news break you.

Non-Judgment Day

2009-07-25T04:58:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with a very nice man the other day. He has six children and is helping a local church to reach out to parents in a local mall. They're teaching parenting classes. I tried to explain why we need not "judge" our children, but instead our focus should be on interpreting, understanding, and meeting their needs while teaching them to meet their own needs. At first he didn't agree, which is fine, because of the fear that children would then not learn the "moral" values that are important to him. The interesting thing about humans, however, across cultures and religions, is that we function on cooperation and thrive on social structure. (There will always be people who don't, or can't, but they're the exception and not the rule.) People love structure. Every religion in the world teaches kindness, empathy, love of family and God, Goddess, Spirit, etc in a structured and cooperative way. Every family wants to get along (though many do not because they don't have the tools to do so and may not seek them out). If we "judge" these people then how can we interpret their actions as they relate to their needs? If we refrain from saying "This is good, that's bad!" then we can say "What is this child trying to accomplish and/or learn and what would be the most effective way for me to teach him/her to get that?" See, it's easier to say "GOOD" or "BAD", but not effective in understanding the child's needs or teaching them to meet those needs. It's easier to influence children then to teach them to think, to cooperate, and to comprehend their own needs, and then to meet them; therefore many people make the simple mistake of using judgment and influence over comprehension and compassion. In order to comprehend our children, interpret their needs, and be compassionate, we must eliminate the fear that our children will not grow up with what humans have always had, with or without the institutions of education or religion, which is love for one another and a deep connection to the natural earth. We don't have to influence our children if we teach them to think, to care, and to act responsibly by acting in those ways ourselves; children will follow our lead if we prove ourselves worthy of leading - by example.

First Days - No Stress!

2009-07-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

Our nearly 3 yr. old daughter, Sarah, had her first day in a 2 wk long summer school class on gardening yesterday. Over the last 6 mo., in order to prepare her, I've taken her to the school 3 times, introduced her to the teacher, walked around the classroom with her, let her observe the kids and ask questions, and talked to her about going to school. For the past 2 wks. we've been talking to her about leaving her at school, mentioning the teacher's name, explaining that Mommy will drop Sarah off and come back to get her after school. We would lay in bed at night and talk about school as she drifted off to sleep. When the time came to drop her off she suffered NO separation anxiety, had no fear of the school (since she was familiar with it) or the teachers, and moved right in like she'd been there all along! Taking the time to prepare her, to help her to understand what was coming and acquaint her with the environment, teachers, and the process completely eliminated the stress that most children feel on the first day of school and replaced it with curiosity and excitement, which relieved all of our parental fears, too!

Pay Attention

2009-07-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

Children under 6 years of age have very short attention spans, right? The funny thing is that American adults have about 2 minute attention spans, yet they expect their children to focus and concentrate for long periods of time. If the parent can't sit down and do math for an hour, then how does he/she expect to model it for the child, or to help them learn to focus for such long periods of time on difficult subjects? Parents must learn to focus, to pay attention, and to teach their children such self control. If your toddler gets a puzzle out, sit on the floor with them, have them take each piece out - one at a time - and set them on the floor. Next, help them match up the shapes. The toddler will probably want to get up and run, change positions, and basically wiggle their way out of the "challenge" of putting the puzzle back together. The "challenge" is the important part and most parents give up rather than try to teach the toddler to focus, pay attention, and complete what he/she started. So, what would the parent be teaching if he/she consistently worked with the child to complete tasks? What do you do and what are you teaching yourself and your child(ren)?

Pat Your Backs

2009-07-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

Parenting is the most rewarding thing, and often the most challenging thing, that adults can do in life. Parents who care about parenting, who approach it as the single most important task in life, who place it above earning money, above personal desires, and above all else, often worry if they're being “good” parents. If you find yourself doing this then you've already taken a step towards being a “good” parent. You're putting parenting first. Remind yourself that you are your child's first teacher. We had our daughter, Sarah, throw a typical 2 yr old tantrum the other day because she wanted to get into the stroller, but her 2 month old sister was in it. Sarah didn't want to walk and sat on the sidewalk, refusing to move, so I picked her up, took her back into the house, and Mama and little sister walked to the store alone. Sarah cried for about 20 minutes and pleaded to go, even saying things like “I listen now, Daddy, pleeease!” It broke my heart to have to “follow through” and not just walk her down to the store once she'd calmed down, but in the end I know that I would be doing her an injustice if I didn't follow through. I stuck it out, though, and she learned that we are serious about her having to listen to us when she has trouble controlling her own impulses. This may sound mean, but think about her running and not listening when we yell “STOP!” to prevent her from being hit by a car, or falling into a hole. If she learns to listen to her parents, then we can help prevent injury when she's not able to control her impulses. The trick was to let her know that I wasn't keeping her from going to the store to be mean, but because I love her and want to help her to learn to control herself so that other people can't and/or don't need to control her. She will learn to make decisions based on guidance from elders, the way people did for millions of years, before we lost touch with the older generations, and learn to discern wise elders from foolish ones. She will learn that her parents are here to help her grow into her own person, with her own thoughts, ideas, and abilities. If we're consistent, she'll learn that she can trust us to help her set safe boundaries and that those will change as she grows and changes. She'll trust that, if we can stand up to her tantrums, then we can stand up to those things that actually scare her in life. If you're doing this as a parent, then remember to pat yourself on the back once in a while. When Sarah was begging me to go, in her sweetest, sobbing voice, it was just another subconscious attempt at manipulating me. I didn't give in, even though it tugged at my heart strings and I wanted to give my beloved daughter what she wanted. I had to keep reminding myself that “This is strong parenting. This is positive guidance. I'm helping her to understand the consequences of her decisions.” When she calmed down, we hugged and talked about what to do next time and, as you probably know, she'll remember! They seem to remember everything! Remember this: when you do something that is difficult, but you know that it's the “right” thing to do with your child – give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself some positive feedback instead of feeling guilty for not giving your child what he/she wants. The guilt won't help anybody, but the self-praise will make you want to learn more about positive guidance and that will make it easier for everybody to grow and change together, as a family and as individuals.

Who Will Teach Your Child?

2009-07-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

Remember that your children are their own people. A 20 yr old doesn't know as much as an 80 yr old and a 5 yr old doesn't know as much as his parent, but that doesn't stop anyone from being his/her own person. Remember that, as a parent, it's important to teach a child how to LEAVE the nest and fly on her own. It's important to help them separate, to help them learn what it takes to survive in the adult world, where they won't have the "cliques" that cocoon them in high school. Remember that a parent is a care provider, a disciplinarian, a friend, and a teacher. If the parent doesn't take all of these rolls on then the child will seek out adults who fill those rolls. Will they find adults to fill them to the parents' satisfaction? Will they find "safe" adults to fill those rolls? Don't be a "best friend" to your child, they'll find those on their own. Instead, focus on teaching and learning with your child, then setting them free to discover the rest of the world on his/her own. Remember, above all, the good times and focus on creating good times as they grow. Discipline should always be followed by love.

Think About It!

2009-06-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

When people think about communication, we often think only about the words that come out of our mouths, or the words that enter our ears. Do we ever think about the words that we think? Do we ever notice that we can't think and listen at the same time? Try it. Grab a friend and try to think about something while your friend explains a procedure, then attempt to complete the procedure. For example, while your friend explains how to cook a dish that you've never cooked, think about your favorite food and how to prepare it, then try to cook your friend's dish. After that, try it again, without thinking. Just listen to what your friend has to say. You'll notice an immense difference in the amount of information received when the thoughts are turned off and comprehension is turned on. Just as one can't cook the meal without a hot stove, one can't comprehend another without listening and, since one can't think and listen simultaneously, practicing “active listening” will increase the ability to understand loved ones, co-workers, and even strangers. Why is this important?

Communication is more than just what we say. Studies reveal that 90% off all communication is through body language, but the studies fail to outline the reality that all communication begins as thought; therefore, the way we think affects the way we communicate. How do you think about your children, your partner, your family and friends? How do you think about the overweight lady walking in front of you when you're in a hurry? How do you think about the child screaming in the mall and his mother or father? How do you think about other people and how would you like them to think about you?

Thinking about people with empathy, understanding our own ignorance about their personal situation, helps to create healthy communication. Our eyes don't show judgment, but compassion. Our bodies don't show fear, but courage. How we think affects how we act, speak, and understand one another. The next time you feel misunderstood, try changing the way you think about the person who is misunderstanding you. Try to understand them and then reach out by asking them if you're understanding them. Once they feel understood, they're more likely to try to understand you.

Parents must understand each other so that children can understand what the parents expect of them. When children have clear boundaries they feel more secure and able to explore. A sense of security and the ability to explore increases the rate at which a child can learn. In order to set clear boundaries, the parents must communicate well enough that they understand what is acceptable to both parents. In order to communicate clearly, the parents must think about each other with the love and compassion that drew them together in the first place.

Teaching Without Tools

2009-06-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

I know a wonderful young woman who is excited and enthusiastic about entering college and pursuing the field of child development. What she doesn't know yet is that at least 70% of pre-school teachers “burn-out” in five years or less. Why? What makes people so excited and enthusiastic, and then so exhausted that they move on to other jobs or simply give up and become “burnt-out” teachers. We've all had burnt-out teachers who didn't care about us, didn't care about education, and just showed up for the paycheck. Those teachers can often be impatient, inattentive, unemotional and depressed. So, what happens between the fire of college and the five year burn-out?

If we start at the root, it would lie in, of course, education. I've been through the educational system and studied the field of education. We learned about teaching styles and methods, curriculum creation, learning styles, and other important, but not effective, information. The information is important because it helps us to understand where the educational system has failed and what needs improvement. The information is not effective because it's missing one critical, and very difficult, element – positive guidance and discipline. Knowing how to use a certain curriculum will do very little to help a child learn who comes to school hungry, has been abused the night before, or can't sit still because he's never been taught to control himself. New teachers often walk into classrooms with books in their heads, but no tools to work with children. So, what causes burn-out is trying to use a book as a wrench. Teachers have their books, but the children need somebody to help fine tune their mental carburetors and keep all of their systems running strong. Teachers aren't given the tools to work with children. It's like trying to be an automotive mechanic using manuals that diagram the engine in extreme detail and a tool box full of ideas. Ideas don't tighten loose nuts or replace malfunctioning parts. Ideas can't help teachers to help children. They need the tools.

In my particular case, I had to develop most of the tools that I use to help children to use their own tools. It took my years to develop a tool box full of effective tools and techniques. I should have been given the tools as part of my $100,000.00 education; all teachers should acquire these tools through the educational system that teaches education. Somehow, the professors have missed the fact that guidance and discipline are the frame of teaching, and curriculum is just the seat that we sit in as we drive down life's road, discuss issues and learn from one another. Without a solid frame, the vehicle of education can't go anywhere, so teachers and students end up sitting in a vehicle that won't move and discussing the numbers on the speedometer, how fast they'd get somewhere at so many miles per hour, if they could move, or how to read the words on the dashboard and in the owner's manual. It's not a matter of if the car breaks down, it's a matter of how to fix a car that's already stranded on the roadside, with a book, but little or no tools.

If a teacher, or parent, is effective, then the child will be able to fix socio-emotional problems without too much adult interaction by the teenage years. It's like having a kid that can fix her own car at sixteen because she's been shown how, experienced working on cars as a child, and has been given her own set of tools. Teachers need to have the tools to work with children and those tools would help the children to work on themselves. The question is, why isn't this problem, which I see as a cultural and societal crisis, as important to the mainstream media as, say Brangelina or Oprah's latest diet secrets?

If We Only Knew Then...

2009-06-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

Today's blog goes out to childhood friends. It's a blog of fond memories that exists in each of our heads. It's a blog of fights and yard games, sleepovers and all nighters. Today's blog grew us up whether we wanted to or not. It's a reminder that our children are building the memories that they'll have as adults. It's a reminder that every time we get frustrated with our screaming two year old or thoughtless 15 year old, our reactions should be actions. Actions are purposeful. Reactions are thoughtless. Actions make lemonade out of lemons. Reactions spill the pitcher. Get it? Today's blog has all my friends playing in the mountains, the vineyards, the parks of our childhoods and all of the positive experiences we created together. Despite what may have been happening in some of our imperfect, or even horrible, home lives, we laughed on hillsides as the moon rose, shared french fries at lunch, and enjoyed even the most boring of times together simply because we were together. Thank you all, my friends! I pray that my children find friends as strong, simple, caring, hard working, creative, and crazy as all of you!!

Why Fear Fails

2009-06-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

Many people perceive positive guidance as weak, wishy washy, mushy, and ineffective. Many people who use positive guidance techniques, just like many people who use tools of any kind, use them inappropriately. You can't use a sponge as a hammer and you can't use “caring” as positive guidance. The foundations of positive guidance and discipline are:

Practice self control.
Teach self control.
Consistency, consistency, consistency within a structured routine and environment.
Learn to “read” the child's behavior so that you may teach him/her effective ways of obtaining what he/she needs.
Teach and model effective communication skills.
More self control!

Compassion and active listening.

Remember that each child considers herself “herself” and not the possession or property of others, just as you consider yourself as “yourself” and not your parents' property. It's an innate quality of being human. Being “yourself”, do you feel the need for someone to control you, to manipulate you, or to scare you into doing their will, what they want, or their way of doing things? Or, would you rather have someone who shows you multiple ways of getting what you need – effective, often helpful ways – and then steps aside while you make your own choices then live with the consequences and/or rewards? Positive guidance requires a firm discipline, highly structured environment and routines, and the flexibility of bamboo. The effective teacher, parent, or caregiver will be able to teach the children methods of self control the way martial arts teachers do; yet also be able to meet the socio-emotional needs of each individual child through genuine conversation and active listening. One of the biggest barriers created by adults is that they don't listen to children.

I don't have the experience base or wisdom that my grandfather had when he was, say, 80, but does that mean that I should be ignored or that I don't know anything? A child may not have an adult's base, but that's what they're building and their “acting out” behaviors are simply ways of asking for help when they don't have the words to ask clearly (because they don't have the knowledge/experience base yet).

One mistake people often make is to think that fear and the “law and order” method works, but what works is the self control portion, not the fear portion of that flawed system. To those people I recommend the book “Savage Inequalities” by Jonathan Kozol as it shows the ineffectiveness of that system in detail and through interviews with real teens, parents, and teachers at failing schools across America. My question is, how do you use fear when you come across a fearless child?

I was a fearless child, and still am, in a sense. I was never afraid of teachers, parents, or police officers. I didn't fear other kids and, because of my small stature and lack of fear, I was often picked out by older boys as “one to fight”, and I won. I won, won, and won until I hated fighting. I hated the memories and, by the time I was 17 I wanted no more to do with fear and violence. I never even lost a fight and my own, fearless nature hated fighting. I realized that I was scared, but only of the inability to control myself because, subconsciously, I knew that a lack of self control led to drug abuse, prison, and possibly death. I'd seen it all too many times in my tough teenage years.

In young adulthood I decided that I had to do something about the “fearless” kids because they're the ones who are “shoved aside” to make the teacher's “record” look good. They're the ones that no school wants and yet, in my experience, they're also some of the most creative, intuitive, intelligent and strongest children I've ever known. As a parent, and educator, or a caregiver, do you want to crush that creativity, intelligence and strength, or build upon it? Do you want the leaders to lead or force them to follow, though it goes against their nature? Do you want those who are shy to stand in front of thousands and give speeches, even though it's against their nature? Do you do things against your own nature? If you're an outgoing adult, do you want to be silenced, suppressed and weakened? Positive guidance is not for those who can't follow through with consequences or stand aside and objectively observe behaviors. Remember the basics – Self Control and Communication – then imagine your life without them. Remember that fear is a weakness, so when a teacher uses fear based behavior management techniques, they're actually following their own weaknesses and displaying their own fears that the child will embarrass them, or hurt someone, or not show up as a “success” on the teacher's record. Compassion is a strength and, luckily, we all have the freedom to choose which way to live, when we're adults, anyway. Let's provide that freedom to children. They have the choice, too, they just don't know it yet. That's why we guide them. If you take away technology, toys, and every other human distraction, then what would we, as adults, do in life? What does every other living creature do? Raise children to thrive and survive. Challenging children are survivors and, like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and countless influential, yet unknown, community members, often don't do well in school, where that drive to thrive and survive is squashed through fear based behavior modification techniques. Will the children in your life thrive and survive, or fail in fear? Will you? Do you have the strength to confront your own fears of being embarrassed, of losing control, or of opening yourself up, emotionally, to others? Do you have enough self control to teach self control? Enough discipline to teach discipline? Most importantly, do you have the strength of a child to learn, care, and be creative and the self control of an adult to model self discipline and structure? Can you overcome your fears, or will they overwhelm you? Children need what you need. If you feel that you need someone to intimidate you then you will intimidate others. If you feel that you need others to care for you, guide you, and help you through the parts of life that you don't understand, then you will help others. As I've asked before, “Are you helping, or hurting?” It's that simple and yet so hard that some will read this and not even try to comprehend it, but they'll continue on down the slide of life, forgetting to have fun the whole way down!

Consulting can Help

2009-06-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

First, let me remind readers that I write these blogs on whims, or at the request of individual readers. I don't edit them, ponder over them, or "develop" them in any way. They're always "off the cuff" and may need more clarification. Feel free to contact me and ask for better explanations.

Yesterday I ran into an old co-worker whose smile and positive attitude reminded me that there are some amazing people out there who, against all odds, deal with millions of pounds of unnecessary stress in order to remain dedicated to the children of our communities. She also reminded me that people, parents, teachers, and caregivers often need help and don't necessarily want the “invasive” government programs to invade their lives. She suggested that I tell others that I am available to consult with families, schools, or whoever feels overwhelmed with the responsibilities of child rearing and/or teaching. Just like a chef knows that she can cook, I've done this long enough to know that I can help to create Individualized Education Plans with your child's teacher, behavior modification plans, organize environments to help children be successful and much, much more! It's just a matter of inviting someone in and asking for help. I can be reached through my e-mail address at the top of the blog, if anybody would like help with a certain child, a group of children, or just to understand why kids do what they do. I'm here to help and, remember, nobody's expected to be perfect as we all go “Down the Slide” in our own ways!

Reading Children

2009-06-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

We all believe that children must know how to read, and they put a lot of effort into learning that skill, but do we parents put the same effort into learning to read our children? I had to work six days this past week at my job and then, on my one day off, I went to help a friend work on his property. I would normally spend at least one of my days off with my daughter, Sarah. The result of my overworking has been that, when I come home from work, Sarah is glued to my hip, “Daddy, sit with me. Daddy, play over here. Daddy, eat with me.” The first night I just wanted to rest, but as I watched my daughter “break down” over nothing in particular, I realized that she was trying to say “I miss you, Dad, and want to spend some time with you.” Which can also translate as, “I love you, Daddy.” The rest of this week I've spent on the floor playing with balls and dolls and reading books. I'm so lucky to be loved. Now that I've “read” into my daughter's actions, she hasn't been “breaking down” over petty things the last few days and my next step will be to work with her mom and coordinate the teaching of communication skills. We're teaching her to understand that she misses Mommy or Daddy and to say “I miss you. I want to play with you, please.” We're also teaching her that we may have to say “No” or “Later”, depending on if we're cooking dinner or caring for her baby sister, etc. In such situations she may choose to “throw a fit”, but we keep in mind that Sarah is simply trying to test how much “power” she has over our decisions, our actions, and our lives. She's learning that the only thing she can control is herself and that we love her regardless of whether or not she “throws a fit” or says “Okay, Mommy.” She's learning that we will play with her, but only when our responsibilities are taken care of. She's learning, through observation, to be responsible. She cares for her dolls with gentle, loving hands and kisses them on the foreheads. She diapers them and makes sure that they're fed everyday. We're all learning to read each other like great novels that write themselves as they're read. There's no way to read the ending first because it doesn't exist; therefore we live each moment in each other's eyes, reading the needs and meeting them with honest work, attention to detail, and compassion.

Communicating with Care

2009-05-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, as parents, we get so caught up in the children that we forget to communicate, to love, to seek to understand each other. We get so busy with lunches and lessons, dinners and disasters that we fail to care for each other. Parents communicate, whether we're aware of it, or not. We get busy, yell at each other, and take out our frustrations on each other all too often. It's difficult, but healthy, to remember that every parent has the weight of somebody else's life on their shoulders. Moms, remember to appreciate what dad does do, not what he forgets to do or can't do. Dads, remember to appreciate what mom gets done and not just what she complains about or wants done. There are so many things to appreciate, yet we often focus on the things that scare us. If a parent gets mad because the other forgot to pick the kids up from school on time, then the parent is not realizing that the kids did get picked up, the other parent did not mean to hurt anybody. The parent is simply scared that the kids “could have been” hurt. But, they weren't. Remember that when your kids are safe! Remember to allow others room for errors and they will allow you room for the errors you're bound to make. Remember to appreciate the moments that we get with each other. We will all pass on one day and true prosperity can not be bought. True prosperity is NOT burying your child. True prosperity is knowing what your spouse needs at the end of the day. True prosperity is receiving what you need from your spouse. True prosperity comes from asking, listening, caring, sensing, wondering, and communicating with one another. This is not to say that we should “dote” on each other. Quite the opposite, in fact. It's much simpler than that. We simply need to care and be aware of one another. We simply need to be able to say “I got a little worried when you didn't pick the kids up on time, but I'm glad that we're all home now.” The normal conversation would go more like this: “Where the hell were you? Why didn't you pick up the kids? Are you stupid? How could you forget...” Either way, the kids got picked up. The difference lies in being grateful that the kids are safe and understanding that everybody makes mistakes. Communicating in such ways creates an atmosphere of safety, where nobody's perfect and nobody's expected to be, even you!

Separation Anxiety Caused and Cured by Parents

2009-05-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

Back to separation anxiety – let's look at some solutions. If children are crying when one parent picks up, or drops them off, then they are probably having bouts of separation anxiety. If the parents are divorced then they must work together, for the health and well being of the children, in order to solve the issue. We all have issues, but not addressing the one's that our children face is not parenting. Let's say a father drops his daughter off after his “weekend” visit and she's happy to be back with mom. The father may feel hurt and those feelings will, in turn, be felt by the child. The father needs to be happy that his daughter is happy, period. When he comes to pick her up the next weekend, she cries. She doesn't want to leave her mom. The father thinks that it's because his daughter doesn't love him, but that's rarely the case. If the father is EXTREMELY abusive, then it may be the case, but let's assume that he isn't. The mother could be, consciously or sub – consciously, coercing the daughter into feeling as though the father is “bad” or that “mom is better”. She could be instilling her own fears into the daughter. 90% of our fears NEVER COME TRUE, so DON”T DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS! Instead of filling them full of fears, show them solutions by recognizing fears and working through them. It can help to reduce separation anxiety and other “issues” faced by families. There are so many “root causes” to separation anxiety that it's difficult to discuss every possible solution, but another effective tool is to play the “Pick Me Up” game. Assuming that both parents want what's best for the child, and using the same scenario as above, the mother would drop the child off at the father's house, rather than the father picking her up. The mother would also explain that she's going to drop the girl off, then come back in 15 minutes. She leaves without a lot of hype, just “Bye bye. I love you.” and a kiss and hug and mom goes out the door, regardless of how the child behaves. She returns fifteen minutes later, just like she said, hangs out for ten or fifteen minutes, then leaves for a half hour, with the same messages to the child. Don't let the child control the situation by crying. The crying child is looking for attention, which the father can and must provide, and also looking to see if her mother will consistently return when she says that she will. Once the child feels that she can trust her mother to return and her father to take care of her emotional and physical needs, then the behavior will subside. There are many other reasons for separation anxiety, many more solutions, and each individual family and child needs similar, but unique solutions so contact me if you need any help. Remember that your children depend on you to set their limits so that they can feel secure in a large, dangerous world. That security changes their view of the world from “large and dangerous” to “fun, beautiful, and expansive”. Think about it, then go out and play. Up the stairs and down the slide!

Happy Mother's Day!!

2009-05-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

Mothers feed us when we can not feed ourselves. Mothers warm us when we can not warm ourselves. Mothers protect us with their own lives. Mothers use every ounce of energy to help us meet our needs as we grow and change and, eventually, leave them. Mothers do not sacrifice anything for their children. They share life with their children. They share energy, food, shelter, laughter, tears, and everything else with their children. Are you a mother sharing your life with children, friends, lovers, and family? If so, I hope you have time today to see yourself as the pillar of family life and the lighthouse we all look to when the fog rolls into our lives. Imagine life without those with whom you share it, realize that what you have to share and who you share it with is what makes life fulfilling, and then have a gigantic, fantastic and extremely Happy Mother's Day!

Crying for Mommy!

2009-05-07T05:59:00.000-07:00

We all must, at some point, separate from each other. People leave for work, kids leave for school, and people pass away. Separation is normal and so is the anxiety that it causes within us. As adults we should have the tools to deal with the anxiety of separation and, if we don't, we can always seek to learn those skills. Children, however, don't have the ability to make the choices that adults can make or process information like we can; therefore they need our help and experience to guide them. It would be impossible to address all forms of separation anxiety in a quick blog, so I'll address a specific type that affects millions of families throughout the world. Divorce can reduce stress in a relationship, but can also add stress, depending on how mature the adults act. Children, however, have a hard time understanding the need for the separation and often blame it on themselves or feel guilty that they didn't, somehow, prevent the divorce. The emotions created during the failing relationship, throughout the divorce, and afterward can be turned to the negative or positive. It is the parents' job to guide the child(ren) through the process of translating their emotions into words so that they may communicate how they feel. Separation anxiety usually occurs when one parent is “dropping off” or one is “picking up” the child(ren) for their “time”. If this happens with your children, drop by Down the Slide in a couple of days for solutions to separation anxiety that may work for your child(ren). You may also shoot me a comment or question and some information about your family situation and I'll do my best to provide more personal solutions.

Whine Tasting

2009-05-01T07:11:00.001-07:00

Let's say your two year old is playing with a doll in her room. She needs help putting the doll's clothes on so she yells for you to come. You call back and say, “If you need help with your doll, please bring it in here and I'll help you.” Your two year old hasn't napped and is tired, so she decides that throwing a fit suits her well at the time and begins to whine, “NOOO! You come here! Nooo!” Then the tears, more whining, and you hear her doll “Thump!” hit the wall. When you go into the room to see what's happening, she throws an even bigger fit. The next step is to remove the child from the environment. Sarah just did this last night, so her mom asked her to walk out into the living room, which she did, but not without breathless tears. Her mom handed the doll back to her and Sarah decided to throw it on the ground. Mom picked it up and put it away, sending Sarah into a whining, crying, full-blown tantrum. So, what's the next step? It's simple. Mom gets down on Sarah's level, tells her that she CAN have her doll, she just needs to stop crying and ask in a clear, strong voice. Sarah does her best to do just that and runs back into her room, ready to play. The next step, however, is what most parents miss. THIS IS IMPORTANT! Knowing what happened before the behavior – Sarah became frustrated trying to put clothes on her doll – a parent can prevent the next “whine” by pulling the doll back down, giving it to the child, and then asking the child if she needs help putting the clothes on the doll. Mom forgot to do this, so the next thing that Sarah did was whine that she wanted her doll. Mom got the doll and gave it to her, but could have avoided tasting Sarah's whine if she had assessed the situation and predicted what Sarah would do next. These “predictions” can prevent behaviors that are annoying, harmful, and/or unnecessary. Remember to watch what the child does before, during, and after the behavior and you'll be able to prevent it in the future. Don't let your children get drunk on the power of whining and drive you insane! Meet their needs through observation and you'll enjoy their stages of development, notice more about them, learn who they are as they grow up, and spend less time “disciplining” them and more time playing with them.

Giant Cookie Kudos!

2009-04-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

Sarah and I were at the park the other evening and several other parent/caregiver/child combinations were also there. One woman constantly yelled at her child to “Get down from there!” or “Move out of the way!” but never actually got up off the bench. Her child, of course, didn't follow a single direction. On the other hand, another lady, caring for her granddaughter who was probably in the 18 month old range, barely spoke a word, but her grandchild listened when Grandma did speak, didn't purposely break rules, and laughed a lot. Today I'm giving Kudos to that Grandmother and all of the other parents who actually play with their kids at the parks. Kudos to the parents who get off their butts and interact with their kids! I'm so glad to see grown men saying “WHEEEEE!” as their children swoosh down the slides! So, kudos to the men who are tough enough to do whatever they want and what they want is to be included in the lives of their children. Kudos to the women who take the time to get down to eye level and speak firmly, yet lovingly to children who are having trouble controlling themselves. And GIANT COOKIE KUDOS to all of those parents who have their children go up the stairs and down the slide!

Preventing Problems

2009-04-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

Sarah has “acted out” for three days in a row when I come home from work. I realize that she wants to spend more time with her Daddy. She, however, needs to realize that I have to spend time with her, her Momma, and our new baby, Frances. I've made mental notes of what happens when I walk in the door, what happens before her “outbursts”, what happens during the incidents, and what happens after. By making these observations we were able to prevent most of the challenging behaviors on the fourth night and the next night should be even calmer. Whenever behaviors arise that are consistent, such as Sarah acting out before bedtime three nights in a row, make notes of what the child does before, during, and after the behavior. Patterns will emerge and then solutions can be formed and implemented. For Sarah the solution is for Daddy to spend the first half-hour home with her alone, then to play with baby Frances and/or talk with Momma. That's helped. Next, we began the “bedtime” routine one hour earlier, because the behavior was taking an extra hour, so now she's “back on schedule”. She still had some trouble settling in at first, but it was much easier, for all of us, compared to the previous nights, plus she went to bed voluntarily and on time. Remember – note what happens before, during, and after any “situation” and then work on solutions to prevent the problem in the future.

Taming of the Two

2009-04-16T05:13:00.000-07:00

A wonderful thing happened the other night. We have two recliners in our living room, Mommy's and Daddy's. Mommy will ask Sarah to "Stop" several times, while Daddy (that's me) only asks Sarah to do something once, and then I get up and help her to do it or, if she's resisting (usually with a laugh - a sure sign of a child asking for limits), then I gently and SILENTLY remove her from the environment (she'll usually take my hand and just walk out of the room with me). I usually bring her into another room, get down to her eye level and then keep her there until she stops laughing and understands that I'm serious. I use very few words, only the words that are necessary, because she's processing language and can only “capture” the last few words spoken. For example, if she's been removed for “smacking” baby Frances, then I remove her from the environment, get eye to eye (though she doesn't always make eye contact) and tell her “That hurts Frances. She likes to be loved. Can you love the baby? Give her hugs and kisses?” Once she's calmed down she always agrees and wants to apologize and says something like, “Give my baby kisses?” then runs out and kisses her sister on her little, fuzzy head. So, back to last night, Sarah moved to “shake” the crib while Momma lay on the bed with Frances. Momma told Sarah to back away from the crib. Sarah “crept” forward with a devious smile. Momma said, “Sarah, get away from that crib.” Sarah latched onto it. “Stop it, Sarah. Leave the crib alone.” Momma raised her voice a little. Daddy, who had been observing the scenario and letting it play out, had seen enough and CLICK! THUNK! Down went his recliner's leg rest. Sarah knew, since Daddy consistently only asks once and then gets up and takes action, what that sound meant. She jumped like a frog and landed three feet away from the crib, rolling on the ground and laughing hysterically. I thanked her for listening and she soon fell asleep. The wonderful occurrence, if you haven't figured it out, is that Momma finally realized the importance, value, and effectiveness of consistency in parental behavior. Most people are so focused on the child's behavior that they don't examine their own. The sound of that chair meant that Daddy was going to take action, so Sarah stopped herself. Now Momma wants to create that response to the word “stop”, so she'll be asking Sarah to stop just one time and then taking the actions described above, which are infinitely more gentle, nurturing, and effective than spanking, but must be done firmly and without reward, bribery, laughing, or any sort of game playing that would take the focus away from “guidance”. It's the parent's job to keep the child focused on the lesson at hand so that the moment of teaching doesn't slip away before the child learns what is acceptable and what isn't, what helps and what hurts. This will have to be performed over and over, until the child knows her limits, so patience, consistency, firmness, and lots of love should be on your daily menu of discipline!

Baby Testing - Toddler Style

2009-04-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

Sarah, our two year old, and Frances, our newborn, have been keeping us very busy. Sarah is testing out her new limits with the baby in the house. She's been “shaking” the crib, she has “smacked” Frances on the head twice, and has attempted to ignore our parental pleas for her to stop. Sarah is simply taking some time to learn what she can and can not do with and to the new baby and the new things in the environment, like the changing table and crib. We have, as parents, decided that she must stay off of her sister's crib and changing table, but can retrieve “burp” cloths and other items for us. When the older child is “included” in some of the child rearing tasks then they develop a closer bond with the baby and with the parents. Sarah also likes to help “fold” the baby's laundry (although we have to re-fold it when she's done!). She may not do it to adult standards, but it's not about folding for her. It gives her a sense of “involvement” and “helping”. It's also an opportunity for Sarah to learn how to fold clothes more effectively, but that's secondary to learning to care for each other and help out around the house. Remember that the older child can help, it's simply a matter of both parents agreeing on limits, restricting what is unsafe and allowing the child to do whatever is within their skill level, helpful and safe.

Toddler Meets New Baby Sister

2009-04-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a break today to introduce our new daughter into the world. We will return to male identity and development stuff next post, but today let us all give thanks that a new, healthy baby has entered into the world and been born into a family that will try to guide her towards a life of helpfulness, humility, and faith. Our two year old, Sarah, just met her baby sister, Frances, hours after she was born on April 2, 2009. We wondered how Sarah would react to her new sister, but it looks like all of the books about babies, talks about baby sister growing in Mom's belly, and the preparation for the day of the birth worked wonders. Sarah immediately wanted to hold her new baby sister, was unbelievably gentle and sat nearly still for the first hour, with Frances in her lap! In order to control the energy flow through her body, Sarah wiggled her feet and rubbed them together. Using baby dolls over the last nine months really helped us to prepare Sarah for how to hold the baby. Consistency, kindness, and preparation always pay off. I am blessed and overjoyed to be a new father - again!!!!

Adolescent Demons Debunked

2009-03-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

Adolescence is one of the most difficult challenges that most parents face. The interesting thing about it, however, is that it is not a child's problem, nor an adult problem, but a societal one, and our society/culture is failing to effectively respond to the needs of teenagers. I'm going to focus on males first, since the subject came up with a recent reader, and then discuss females in a later blog. Teenage males are not actually angry, they're scared. They don't actually hate you, as a parent, they trust you. Anger is ALWAYS fear “turned inside out”, so figure out the fear, and how to handle it, and the anger will simply vanish. They act out towards the parent(s) or caregivers because they trust that person/those people to help guide them through something that is scary or that they don't quite understand and/or they trust that the parent/caregiver will be there to pick them up if they fall – literally and figuratively. You don't see many teenagers "acting out" towards strangers the way that they act out towards their parents, which is proof that trust is the bond being tested. Be sure that you're a trustworthy parent. Be consistent, even when it's painful, and always let them know that you love them, you just don't like certain behaviors. Behaviors can, and will, change, but your son will always be the boy you fed, bathed, and hoped for. An ex-professional football player, Jackson Katz, has produced an excellent video called “Tough Guise” about masculinity and hits the teenage nail on the thick head. I urge anybody and everybody to check out the YouTube clip at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI

You can buy the entire video online or check your local library for a copy. Check back for the next blog on the actual needs of adolescents vs. the lessons imposed upon them.

Why Building Skills Beats Building Wealth

2009-03-21T05:36:00.000-07:00

How tight is your belt? Has the money stream pulled back to a trickle and left your cupboards bare? Do you feel trapped in a cocoon of poverty? Is it straining your relationships? Many, actually most, divorces root in financial problems/disagreements. So, are you feeling the pinch? Cutting back on spending? Stressing out on how to get a job, what you need vs. what you want, and how to make it through the next month, week, day, or hour? Children may not pay bills, or have to bring bread home to feed the family, but they used to. My grandfather, for example, stopped school and started working full time after 8^th grade, at age13. He gave his earnings to his mother, who then gave him 5 cents/day for lunch. I started work full time at 16 (I lived in a shed and fixed diesel truck tires for 10 hrs/day) and went to high school 1 day/wk, then put myself through college, with no parental support, by working two to three jobs while attending school and saving money during the summer, when I could work more hours. We were both teenagers when we began working, but were also still just “children” in so many ways. Many children in developing countries are at work right now, trying to help feed their families. Your children definitely understand the necessity of resources, whether they act like it or not, and would work if it were necessary. Indeed, some “acting out” behavior is simply fear of the family falling into poverty; especially for tweens and teenagers, who are beginning to realize how complex and “scary” the adult world can be. It's important, therefore, to include them in the “financial life” of the family. Teach your 10 yr. old how a checking account works, go over the monthly bills with your 14 yr. old and tell your 5 yr. old how you trade your time and skills for money in order to have a house, food, heat, etc. Keep it simple, but keep it real and don't cover any “hard truths”. My grandfather taught me many things, but one lesson stands out today. He told me, “Learn as many skills as you can because when there's no money, and people can't find jobs, you'll be able to make, fix, or maintain what you need. You can't make money when there's none to be made, but you can make things out of other things. Business and government control money, son, but you control your self.” I've stuck with that and I'm busier than ever now. I have work coming in like flood waters into the Amazon. It's a blessing (and the fruits of my grandfather's lessons). I'm reaping what he taught me to sow, and so will your children. Instead of creating a “rule” that they can only play X-box for 2 hrs/day, get them to a local blacksmith school to learn that skill, then take them to art classes, get them books about sewing, writing, building cabinets, fixing cars, etc. Make a rule in your family that “You are what you do, not what you say.” Always remember that YOU are your child's FIRST teacher. They look to you for “foundational” knowledge and to their friends for the experiences upon which they test that foundation. You don't “own” your children (and probably don't see yourself as your parents' property); instead, you are merely blessed enough to be able to help a new human being to “build” themselves upon whatever cultural and social belief system that they live within. Believe in your children and they will believe in themselves. Skills, faith in one's self, and a strong support network will break the bonds of poverty and we will emerge as butterflies ready to lift off into the great unknown where we will, without effort, find the sweet nectar of our labors in the flowers that already exist but can't be seen from within our cocoons. Children may not understand the complexity of money, I'm not even sure that I do, but they will understand the importance of skills and enjoy the lessons, especially when they become adults and realize that you have helped them to weather anything that the world can throw at them.

Please Take a Minute

2009-03-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

If you read this, please take a minute to answer the questions that I post on the right side. I actually create the questions and use them as a tool to help me better understand what the readership would like to know more about. Please feel free to comment, as well, as this is not a blog about trendy new fashions or high tech devices, but an informational blog about the well being of your child, your family, and all of our lives. Thanks for all of the great comments, criticisms and accolades so far. I appreciate any and all feedback and hope to help as many people as possible, and receive help from others, throughout my interdependent life. Take care and enjoy the day!

When Boys Go Aggro!

2009-03-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a long one, but it's important. Political correctness aside, boys and girls, across cultures, play and learn differently. I've coined the term “creative play” to differentiate play styles. All, or most, child development texts teach about “dramatic play”, which is very female-centric. “Creative play” is less gender specific and, as we've discussed, involves more than just playing with dolls or dressing up and creating “dramatic” situations. Let's talk about boys and aggressive play. Attacking enemies, battling bad guys, winning wars, and rescuing strangers are all part of a boys socio-emotional growth. As I mentioned in a previous blog, they're acting out situations that they KNOW may be socially inappropriate, but doing so in a controlled, safe environment (which the parents should be providing). Based on my experiences working with hundreds of families, parents who steer their boys away from, and/or overprotect them from, violent, aggressive play inadvertently create violent, aggressive boys – boys who have no concept of what it means to be hit, hurt, or bruised. Boys who have experienced little or no physical pain, aggression from/with other boys, etc. have no empathy because they can't understand what the other person is going through not having experienced it themselves. Conversely, some of the abused boys I've worked with, once I get them “balanced”, become some of the most helpful and empathetic children I've ever seen! Let your boys run, leap, play, and take risks. It's imperative to their growth and directed by their genetic encoding. Boys develop “gross motor” skills (large muscle movements) first, while girls develop “fine motor” skills first; therefore boys need physical, tactile experiences in order to learn things like depth perception, the meaning of pain, the natural consequences of jumping out of a tree, or off the slide, and they need places to experiment, safely, with their own physical strengths and weaknesses. They need to learn their physical boundaries and always, regardless of culture, do this through physical, interactive, tactile play. They often create characters who have strengths that they would like to have themselves, or would like to understand better. They almost never create a character for themselves that is weak. It's always the positive – understanding their strengths. Hopefully parents will follow their lead and build on their strengths, too.

Parents Learn to Play

2009-03-14T05:10:00.000-07:00

Conversations about “helping or hurting” that inspire children to think about what they're doing are effective. Yelling, “Stop hurting him!” does not have the same effect as asking the question “Are you helping or hurting?” and then continuing with "What are you trying to accomplish?" Help your child find a way to meet his/her own needs through thought, the way that you would. Remember, the world is new to them and they can't process information, nor assess situations as quickly as an adult; therefore it is our job to help them learn how to do that. Questions (as opposed to threats or statements) help the child to think about what they're doing and, as parents, we want to teach our children how to think clearly and act responsibly. We are what we do, not what we say. Creative play helps children to think through situations and act out possible reactions, outcomes, etc. in a safe and controlled environment. Safe environments that allow for experimentation help children to learn quickly due to low levels of stress and high levels of environmental control. Speak with your children, not to them. Get on the floor and remember how to play. If you've forgotten how to play - how to imagine that you're flying an airplane or conquering a foe - then you have something to learn from your child because I'll bet you that they know exactly how to have fun with imagination. In order to teach, one must first know how to learn. Young children learn through play, so in order for us to teach them, we must first know how to play with them!

Learning Empathy Trhough Creative Play

2009-03-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm back. I had to put the blog off for a week or so, but now I'll get back to how creative play can help calm children and increase his/her ability to be empathetic. Creative play is more than just dolls and tea parties. Toy cars, sticks, blanket forts, and anything safe for kids can be incorporated into creative play. Creative play is genderless and important for both boys and girls. If a boy is torturing his sister, or little brother, then the parent may want to set up some creative play games that will teach empathy. For example, have the boy build a tower of blocks, or anything that is challenging for him to build, then tell him that you're the monster who's going to knock it over. If he says “NO!” then it opens up an opportunity for the parent to talk about why he doesn't want the blocks knocked over and to apply that to how he treats his siblings. If he laughs and helps the parent knock the blocks over then the structure may not have been complicated enough; therefore he didn't feel “invested” in it enough, or the parent needs to try another approach. Each individual child sees and senses things differently. It may work better to role play with the boy. Put him in the role of a victim, like someone who broke his leg, and the parent can play the role of someone who is supposed to help, like a doctor, but won't help or even hurts him instead (this is role playing, remember, and the parent only PRETENDS to hurt him instead of helping him). This type of activity can open up conversation about the differences between helping and hurting, how he would like to be treated by those who are supposed to care about him, and how his siblings might feel, since they expect him to care for them.

2009-02-26T06:18:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't been following the blog, let me recap a bit. We've been reading about Rosy, who had a severe stroke to the left side of her brain and went from a grumpy, impatient woman to a patient, talkative, delightful woman within a matter of months. She'd been an discontented accountant her whole life and, once the left side of her brain didn't work, she found happiness (at 83)! Her story is a lesson for parents (read through the archives for her story). If your child is aggressive, mean, unempathetic and/or rude (like Rosy was before her stroke), then the child's left hemisphere of the brain may be developing quickly and the right hemisphere needs to be “fortified” through creative play. Creative play often uses both sides of the brain, which will give all children a feeling of success and comfort within the activities, but the right side of the brain must be used in order to imagine things. For example, let's say Mary has three children; twin five year old boys and a three year old girl. The boys are, of course, always picking on the girl. Mary needs the boys to understand why that behavior is harmful, not helpful, and how it will affect all of their lives in the future. The main problem is that children under eight years old can't project themselves into the future or understand abstract concepts, like empathy. Due to the developmental stage of their brains; they just don't have the capacity, or neuron structures, to comprehend abstract concepts like mechanized "time". Empathy, therefore, must be taught not as a concept, but as a behavior that leads to positive natural outcomes. Mary usually yells at the boys to stop, which they don't, and then she sends them into “time-out”, where they throw fits until they "tire-out". Once they regain their strength they go right back to bothering their little sister. Mary wants her sons to help and protect their sister, so, what should she do? We'll look at some creative play that will act as therapy and help re-direct the boys' behavior patterns in the next blog.

Circles and Spirals

2009-02-24T05:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, so as Dr. Taylor's left hemisphere slowly returned to fully functional, she told herself that she would only allow her left hemisphere to heal so far as it didn't get in the way of her right hemisphere. She'd realized that the right hemisphere provides the sense of “euphoria” that makes people happy, content, excited about life and notice the lovely things. She didn't want to return to the analytical, cold, calculating person whom she'd been before. In the same vein, Rosy had, suddenly, become very patient, kind, and wonderful to visit with. The right hemisphere of the brain employs empathy, is creative, and sees more than just the "little things" that may annoy the left hemisphere because the "little things" don't follow patterns, or aren't "linear" in nature, or don't seem to have "structure" to them. The left hemisphere wants everything predictable, controlled, and categorized. The right finds beauty in chaos and form. The left sees history as a circle, the right as an uncontrollable, imperfectly formed spiral. The lesson here is that balancing the two hemispheres leads to contentedness, a happy, productive life and a well rounded individual. Creative play, for young and old children alike, not only promotes the growth of the brain's right hemisphere, but also uses the left to communicate with dolls, friends, toys, etc. and to categorize the toys that she's playing with. I'll tell you more tomorrow about why this is important and mention some activities that help stimulate a balanced mind through creative play.

Rosy's Story continued

2009-02-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

Dr. Taylor noticed something while the left hemisphere of her brain wasn't functioning; she'd become “trapped” in the right side of her brain! She couldn't communicate, couldn't judge, couldn't manipulate or categorize things like she used to. She expressed it as a “euphoric” feeling and being completely “in the moment”. She said that she saw things as they were, without all of the prejudices, divisions, and time constraints that she'd had before her stroke. She also used the technique of starting with children's toys, books, etc. and steadily working up the levels. It allowed her to see beauty, growth, the miraculous movement of life energy from one form to another as it never dies, but simply changes form. She made a deal with herself. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Rosy's story

2009-02-20T06:37:00.000-08:00

A few weeks later Rosy came to visit again, after having read the pre-school counting books, story books, and having moved up to elementary school level books. Her speech had improved dramatically. It was slow, and she had a bit of trouble remembering some words, but she'd mastered thousands of words and spoke fairly clearly. She came to speak with me for a reason that day. She specifically wanted to thank me for the ideas and for believing that she could do better than the doctor had told her. She was able to explain to me that the doctor and therapist had been telling her that she wouldn't be able to function normally again and I'd been, unknowingly, contradicting them. Now that she could speak well, she explained that the encouragement and the idea of using children's books had done more than the physical therapist had been able to do. I reminded her that it was Rosy who did the work, Rosy who focused on recovery and Rosy who strove to improve, but she insisted that she couldn't have done it without me. I wasn't sure how to react. She'd never said a kind word to me, ever, in the four or five years that I'd known her. I thanked her and told her that she was a miracle. I also told her about the book My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor, P.h.D. and the corresponding website, http://mystrokeofinsight.com/index.html. We wrote the title down and her daughter helped her watch a video of Doctor Tayler explaining what had happened when she, a neurologist, had the same stroke as Rosy. The effects of the stroke on both women have astounded me, but their recovery is miraculous and fabulous all at once. I'll have to tell you about it next time!

Creative Play (continued)

2009-02-19T06:16:00.000-08:00

Creative play is based in the right hemisphere of the brain. To emphasize the importance of developing the right hemisphere, let me share a story with you. I know an 83 year old woman, who we'll call Rosy. She was mean, rude, pushy, and selfish, but very good at mathematics. She had a high functioning left hemisphere, which processes language, numbers, etc. In April of 2008 she had a massive stroke to the left side of her brain. She couldn't talk at all for about six weeks and was in a nearly comatose state, able to communicate only through small nods and some hand movements. Her right hand and arm didn't work correctly anymore. The doctors told her, and her daughter, that she would probably never speak correctly again. Rosy came to visit me about two and a half months after her stroke. She'd been doing therapy and had gained some of her speech back but, as expected, she spoke like a two year old and left out many small words, like "an" or "the", while unable to express herself with others. She kept asking me for a sheet, for her numbers, “A book”, she said, “with lines. For my numbers. I need do numbers.” Even though she'd always been rude to me, it broke my heart to see her struggle in such a way. After ten minutes of asking questions and getting two to three word responses, I figured out that she wanted accounting sheets (she'd been a C.P.A.). I told her daughter where to get them and then suggested that she also get children's books, starting with pre-school books, and read them everyday. I'll tell you the rest of the story on my next blog post (and, of course, eventually connect it to creative play for your children).

More About Creative Play

2009-02-17T05:49:00.001-08:00

Creative play has many important factors for children. It stimulates neuron development and a process called “myelination”. Myelin is a “sheath” that forms around neurons in the brain and makes them semi-permanent. Children will do an activity over and over until the neurons are formed, then sheathed, for that specific activity; then they'll move on to another skill. If the child is obsessed with a video, it may not be the video itself, but the language, or the music, or the images that the child is actually focused on and learning from. Creative play adds to the myelination through the development of neurons associated with the central nervous system and those in the right hemisphere of the brain, which leads to the ability to creatively solve problems and see the “big picture” later in life.

In the Spirit

2009-02-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

Hi All - in the spirit of helping the parenting community at large, here are some links to other parenting blogs:
Bilingual in the Boonies
Parenting Blog
Baby Mum-Mum
Eco Child's Play
The Blogfathers

Creative Play

2009-02-16T07:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm going to make these blogs shorter by chopping them up into pieces and serving them like daily pie! Here's todays piece:

Our daughter, Sarah, has plenty of toys. Most of them are plastic, many of them require batteries, and few of them hold her interest for very long. With that in mind, a two year old has a very short attention span. Any toy that keeps her attention for more than ten minutes is a toy that has intrinsic value – it either teaches her something directly or can be used by a parent or care provider to teach any number of lessons. Every child has different interests, so a parent who accepts the responsibility for knowing what interests her child will have more tools and opportunities to teach and guide that child.

One of the toys that keeps her attention the longest is her doll stroller. She plays with the stroller more than she plays with the dolls! She puts balls, hats, books, and anything else that will fit, into the stroller and takes the items for “walks”. Sometimes she even sits in it herself, or fills a small purse with more toys, slings it over her shoulder, turns and says, “Bye, bye!” Then she heads to the “Living Room Store” and uses her toy cash register to ring herself up for various items in the stroller. Her preferred form of play is quickly becoming what is called “creative play”, where imagination takes the lead and ordinary items transform the child's play into extraordinary fun!

Whack 'em!

2009-02-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

I can't count how many times I've seen people spank, or at least threaten to spank, their child in public. I can only imagine what happens to some of those poor kids when nobody's looking. We've all seen it and some of you have done it. It's no big deal, right? Some parents describe it as just a "tap" on the butt, or something that they'll only use when a child does something extremely dangerous, like running out into the street after a ball or throwing a knife at a sibling. It's probably been the most used discipline technique in human history, so let's take a look at the effects of spanking a child.
The exact effects of spanking differ from child to child, of course, since each person has a different tolerance to pain, different emotional states, and many other differences that will influence the effect that a good "swat" will have. I remember being spanked, as a child, many, many times. I was usually spanked with a bare hand or a wooden spoon. I was hit on the butt, on the legs as I ran away, on the hands as I tried in vain to protect myself, on the arm when I zigged instead of zagging, etc. The memories I have of being spanked link not to the lessons that my parent was trying to teach me, but to the actual event of being spanked. I remember that being spanked upset me, made me feel weak, defenseless, and humiliated. I also know, for a fact, that the single parent who raised me was truly just frustrated, scared for my safety, or that of others, and trying to help me to learn which behaviors were socially appropriate and safe and which were not.
Spanking is the most common form of discipline, but it is also the least effective. To ensure that one's children are safe, behaving appropriately, and still able to express themselves, be creative, and explore new things, the parent(s) or caregiver must provide opportunities that are safe and structured and guide children through the challenges. Let's use the example I mentioned earlier about one sibling throwing a knife at another.
We'll call the one who threw the knife Gerald, and the one whose foot got cut as the knife skipped by him, Jeff. Gerald is four years old and Jeff is seven. Gerald is mad because Jeff won't let him play a video game, so he grabs a knife off of the kitchen counter and intentionally throws it at Jeff. Jeff then yells at Gerald, calls him a variety of forbidden names, chases him through the house, tackles him in a hallway, and punches Gerald on the arms, the legs, anywhere that will hurt, but not permanently injure Gerald. Jeff's learned where to hit and where not to by being hit himself; more precisely, by being “spanked” as punishment. So, what does a parent do?
Spanking, obviously, won't work because that's what taught Jeff when, where, and how to beat up his brother. It also teaches that if somebody does something that you don't like than you can control them by hurting them. Is that what most parents want their children to learn? Alternatively, kids HATE having to stop what they're doing, THINK, and TALK about their actions. It's far more brutal, for a child, to have to examine their actions, and the consequences of them, than to be hit and sent to their room.
The effective action for a parent to pursue is to first decide how they feel about the child's behavior. In this case, the parent must admit that he/she felt FEAR for the safety of both of the children. Next, the parent must separate the children, leaving the older one alone for a moment while talking to the youngest one. The words used with Gerald should include questions like, “Did you throw the knife because you wanted to play that game?” and “Did you get to play the game, or did you get hurt?” Also, questions like “What could you have done differently to play the game?” If the child doesn't know, then offer some suggestions, “Could you have asked to take a turn when he was done and then played with something else while you waited? What could you have played with while you waited?” Using questions like this helps the child to learn to reason, to make sound judgments and to think about safety, delayed gratification and other important aspects of decision making. The parent must also make it very clear how dangerous the actions was. “Did you want to hurt your brother? Do you know that a knife can do more than just hurt him, it could kill him, it could make us have to rush him to the hospital, but it won't get you a turn on the game.” Make it real for the child. Use words that are a part of reality. It may seem harsh to say to Gerald that he could have killed his brother, but it's the truth and children depend on parents to be honest and expose them to the truth. Note, however, how the end of the sentence relays the message that hurting his brother will not get him any game time. A parent may then go into explaining the natural consequences of the actions. “If you hurt your brother then do you think that he'll want to play with you? Do you think he'll give you more turns if you hurt him or if you help him and play with him?” Remember, parents, that you're teaching your child to THINK, to REASON, to UNDERSTAND relationships and consequences and to take RESPONSIBILITY for their own actions (which can not be accomplished by spanking him or her). The older child, Jerry, is old enough to have controlled himself long enough to allow the parent to talk to the younger sibling first, but it's important to address Jerry's feelings, understand his reactions and his thoughts on the subject, too.
Jerry reacted by chasing Gerald down, tackling him, and punching him. The parent must ask Jerry if he felt that the problem was solved after that and that Gerald would never try to hurt him again. Regardless of Jerry's answer, the thought processing lessons must continue with questions like, “So, what's the best way that you can think of to keep your brother from trying to hurt you?” and “Do you think that he would have thrown the knife if you'd given him a turn on the game? Would you rather take turns with the game or have knives thrown at you?” The parent's goal is to get the child to question his own actions by suggesting the questions that Jerry needs to ask himself in order to prevent such a fight in the future. “If Gerald throws anything at you tomorrow, what will you do?” The parent needs to know what Jerry is thinking and then guide him towards thoughts that avoid violent, dangerous, or threatening situations and instead use creative, playful, or positive methods of avoiding danger, like sharing, caring, and understanding the needs of others. He must also know that the parent understands that he was only trying to defend himself, but that the actions he took were not so much self defense, since Gerald no longer had the knife, but actually acts of vengeance. The parent has an opportunity to teach the differences between self defense and vengeance, between helping and hurting. Jerry must also be taught that he is older, smarter, and more capable of turning the situation into a positive by thinking before acting, by sharing, by communicating to his brother something as simple as when he would get a turn. The best option to spanking may take more time, but it works, while spanking doesn't.
I hope that more parents will take the time to talk with their kids, ask questions and be firm and consistent. Spanking is lazy, harmful, and has the opposite effect of what most parents want, which is to teach the child a lesson. Lessons are taught by example and communication, so set the example of reasoning, caring, and sharing, and communicate your fears, your understandings, and your questions as clearly as possible. Kids love to be loved and no love can compare to that of a parent!

Pay Us Back!

2009-02-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll usually write about kids, parents, families, positive guidance, and communication, but today I've got a political bone to pick.

If you or I go to the bank for a loan, then we must pay it back, with interest, in a specified amount of time. We have set due dates and penalties for late payments. In 2008 over three hundred banks had to borrow billions of dollars from taxpayers. Why shouldn't they have to pay that money back? I want them to have to pay the money back, with interest, one of three ways:
1. Give each taxpayer a return at the end of the year until the loan is repaid.
2. Give each school a "block grant" each year until the loan is paid off.
3. Make a monthly payment, which may not be touched by any government entity, into the social security fund until the loan is full repaid, with interest!

Does this make sense to anybody else? They don't hand out money for free and they can't have mine for free. I want my portion paid back, with interest, period! I told a man yesterday, who plans to run for a local office where I live, and he found the idea compelling enough that he asked if he could use it in his campaign. I said "Yes", but meant, "only if you'll try to implement the idea and not just use it to get votes." As he left he turned and said, "Remember me." but the reality is he's the one who'll remember me. It seems that it's the attention seekers, not the thinkers, who we elect into office. Maybe we need to change the system a little.
The original Athenian system of Democracy was not perfect and we wouldn't want to implement it in modern society because it allowed only certain males to be called "citizens" and they used slaves to free up their time so that they could devote much of their lives to politics, philosophy, and art. We could, however, adapt a portion of the system, namely the part that allowed regular citizens to be chosen at random, housed by the state for one month, and serve as a senator. We could use a process very similar to the jury selection service that's in place now and each voting citizen would have the opportunity to help guide our country. We would all feel more responsible for our actions, and those of our country, more involved in government at all levels, and more in tune with what the Athenians and our Founding Fathers wanted; a state for the people, of the people, and run by the people. I know I want my voice heard and not used to get someone elected, but to influence the policies that affect my income, my family, and my daily life. I'd serve my term. Would you?

To the Mall and Back

2009-02-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

To the Mall and Back

Today's blog involves a mall, slides, and squeaky shoes. I went with my daughter, Sarah, to the mall. She had on her new shoes that Grandma had bought her, which have “squeakers” in the heels that sound like dog toys. We walked through Sears and headed straight for the play area at the mall's center. It's a wooden structure with one set of steel steps, one tube slide, one low, curved slide, two side by side high slides, and one high, twisting slide, all made of tan plastic. The static electricity generated when the kids slide down the slides literally makes their hair stand on end. A girl of about 2.5 years and her brother of about 3.5 years were in control of the high, side by side slides and laughed loudly as they slid down and then immediately climbed back up the slides to purposely shock themselves by touching the smooth metal bolts at the top of the slide. Their mother sat on a nearby bench, her eyes distant, and nodded towards them when they called out to her. She finally spoke when it was time to go and both children, exhausted, probably thirsty, expressed disdain. The boy left, begrudgingly, but the little girl, with her innocent, blue eyes surrounded by black lines, was carried out , kicking and screaming, like a sack of potatoes. My daughter, Sarah, just stood and watched the entire ordeal for the first five minutes that we spent at the play area.

When the kids left, Sarah ran up the stairs and straight to the high slides. She picked one and whooshed down it. Her hair stood up in strands like strings of silk waiting to be woven into the most elegant and beautiful of garments She laughed, smiled, and ran back to the steps like a typical two year old. A mother showed up, as Sarah climbed the steps, with a girl who looked to be about 3.5 years old, another girl who might have been about eighteen months old, and a baby boy who crawled like a Komodo Dragon after a rabbit. The 3.5 year old girl, let's call her Miranda, zipped past Sarah and plopped down on one of the high slides. She then tapped the slide next to her and gazed at up at Sarah, who wasn't sure how to respond. I said, “She wants you to sit down on the slide next to her.” Sarah looked at me, smiled, turned back around to Miranda, and hid her happy, shy face in her hands. Miranda, however, would not be deterred. She asked Sarah to sit down again and added, “Don't let anyone else take it!” She had that hurried whisper to her speech, as if she didn't want anybody else to hear her and that Sarah had to sit down quickly to avoid the consequences of losing control of the side by side slides. Sarah eventually sat down and Miranda spoke in ways that only a toddler could pay attention to, though neither one really understood the other. They eventually slid down, Miranda first, then Sarah.

Miranda immediately turned and climbed back up the slide. Sarah began to follow, but we have a rule: “Up the stairs, down the slides.” After warning her to follow the rule she continued up the slide, so I picked her up under both arms, set her down softly on the black rubber mats beneath the play structure, and reminded her, quietly and in her ear, of our rule. Then I stepped the energy up and said, “Run, girl, run! Wanna run to the stairs?” Her face lit up and her heels squeaked all the way to the stairs. Another mother came by with a boy who seemed to be about twenty months old. Minutes later another mother with a slightly younger boy showed up. I sat back and noticed that the two newly arrived moms were instructing their kids to go up the stairs and down the slides. I was ecstatic. After watching several children, many of whom were too old to be on the play structure, run up and down and even jump off of the slides, it was a relief to have two other parents who had a logical, reasonable safety rule for the slides.

Many things happened today, but let's take what I've described above and think about it. First, let's look at the actions of the parents' actions and delve into possible outcomes, had parental actions and reactions been different. Finally, we'll discuss the effects of parental decisions on the children.

The first two children, with the barely responsive mother, were purposely shocking themselves. The question that we must ask is, “Did the children actually enjoy the shock, or were they simply doing the most outrageous things in order to gain their mother's attention?” First, let's consider that the shock from static electricity is not all that harsh and produces more of a “shock value” than pain (no pun intended). With that in mind, it may be that the children had what is called a “low sensory threshold” for pain; therefore the shocks simply provided extra stimulation for them because they were not very sensitive to pain, or touch, through the skin. This is normal for some people. We all have different sensory thresholds, which I will discuss in a later blog. Another possibility is that the children, as mentioned earlier, were seeking attention from their mother. The third possibility is that it was a combination of the two; low sensory thresholds for touch stimulation and seeking attention. We can quickly discern which possibility most likely drove the children's behaviors by looking at the behaviors surrounding the shocks.

When the children slid down the slides, they immediately turned and climbed back up, but when they got to the top and shocked themselves, they would both laugh and turn to look at their mother's response. After every two or three trips, when they saw that their mother was not responding, they would climb the slides, but wait to shock themselves and call out, “Look, Mom!” before they shocked themselves. The mother would then look up and nod her head. Once she said, “Yeah”, when the boy was yelling louder than normal. Why did he increase the volume? Simple, he wanted her to watch him. Had they been going up and down the slides and not calling out for attention, then we could assign the reason of low sensitivity to touch stimulation, but since they called out in regular intervals, and the volume increased when the mother didn't respond in a timely manner, then we can assume that the children were seeking attention. Another sign showed itself as they left.

The mother did not warn them that they would be leaving in five minutes, or that they had two more trips up and down the slide, or give any other signal that they would soon be transitioning from play time to leaving. When the time came, she simply said, “Let's go. Get down from there.” The little girl immediately began to cry and say, “NO!” The boy ignored her until she actually stood up and walked over to the slide with threatening body language. He then slipped down the slide like a balloon that had a small hole poked in it and was slowly losing air. The girl, however, clung to the top of the slide and the mom had to wrench her from the play structure as she cried to stay longer.

The mother could have avoided the deflation of her son's joy and the loss of self control experienced by the girl by simply communicating to them that she needed to leave in five minutes, then again at two minutes, then telling them that they could go up and down one more time, and then leaving. The attention that they craved was actually for communication. They wanted their mother to communicate her pride for their abilities to climb, to slide quickly, and to recognize their experiences with static electricity. She could have used the time to teach them about static electricity, about friction, and about fun. Her decision to ignore the children and use the time to sit on her butt taught the kids that they need to exhibit more and more severe behavior, use more and more extreme measures to gain their mother's attention. Now let's move on to the next situation.

Remember that my daughter, Sarah, sat down next to Miranda, the new arrival, and after sliding down, Sarah wanted to climb up the slide like Miranda, whose mother seemed to be as attentive as possible considering that she had two very young children to chase. Also, remember that I warned Sarah to go up the stairs and she ignored the warning, on purpose, and tried to quickly scramble up the slide. I picked her up and removed her from the slide. This is the important part to note. When you pick a child up, pick her up underneath both arms. Their tendons, which connect muscles to bones, are still soft, weak, and can easily be torn if a child is grabbed by one arm and lifted, placing the child's entire body weight on the tendon and straining it, which can lead to a tear or a dislocated joint. Under both arms is also safer because if the child decides to try to kick, hit, or bite you then you can easily hold her away from you at a safe distance until she calms down.

The next thing to note is that when I set Sarah down, I had to make a choice: either dole out punishment and reinforce what not to do, or remind her of what to do and reinforce mutual respect, communication, and understanding. Reminding her of the rule communicates to her that I understand her age and stage of development and am giving her the opportunity to control herself. It's also important to note that I set her down gently and whispered in her ear. Why not just plop her down and tell her, like most parents, to get up the stairs or we're leaving, in a strong, loud voice? If the parent uses a loud voice and commands the child, then the child actually feels embarrassed and punished. If the parent chooses to whisper a reminder of what the rule is then the child is well aware that nobody else heard about, or noticed, her mistake and so she is more apt to listen and follow the rule. Most children are keenly aware of how little they know and how much they need guidance and that other people are watching; therefore parents may take care not to embarrass them in public and avoid behaviors in children that, in turn, embarrass the parent. The next thing that I did was to instill a sense of excitement about the rule. Using an excited tone of voice and asking her if she'd like to “run” to the stairs excited her and she did run, without questioning the rule or ignoring her parent. Enthusiasm spreads as quickly as any other emotion and it's the job of a parent to set the tone in any given environment. It's not always possible, of course, because children have their own emotions and can, at times, be exhausted or stressed and as a result not be able to control themselves or process information well in a given moment. It is, however, easier and more effective to influence a child's mood rather than force them into submitting to a rule.

Next, two more mothers showed up. One had a little girl, about the same age as Sarah, with brown hair in pigtails, and the other had a son who had just turned two years old a few weeks earlier. Both mothers reminded their children to go up the stairs and down the slides. The mother of the little brunette girl asked where I got the “squeaky” shoes from and I told her. The other mother kept herself busy. She followed her son and made sure that he was safe. The little girl's mother effectively reminded her daughter to go up the stairs and down the slides, but she always added “If you go up the slide again then we're going to leave.” The use of “if” followed by “then” is always either an explanation of natural consequences, such as, “If you touch the hot stove, then you'll get burned.” or a threat, which is what the mother of the dark haired girl was using. The expression of natural consequences can often be phrased in a way that teaches children what to do (as opposed to the example above, which is what not to do) such as “If you stay away from the stove, then you won't get burned.”

Threats only serve to frustrate, upset, and weaken a child's will. If a threat must be used to avoid a truly dangerous situation, such as “If you go in the street again, then you'll have to play inside for the rest of the day.” then a parent must only give one warning. The next move is to follow through and have the child play indoors for the rest of the day after going into the street again. Of course, the use of threats can be avoided. The parent could say, “Please stay in the yard. There are cars in the street and they can hurt you. Do you want to play, or do you want to get hurt? I want you to be able to play out here all day, so stay in the yard, away from the cars, where you'll be safe.” Phrasing is very important when speaking with children since they have a limited vocabulary and are involved in the process of understanding safety, the reasons for rules, consequences, responsibilities, etc.. If a parent doesn't follow through immediately, then the threat becomes nothing more to the child than more words. The mother of the brown haired girl, with her best intentions and child's safety in mind, could have chosen a different path to reach the same goal of following the rule to go up the stairs and down the slide. As a result, however, the little girl continued to try and climb up the slides and, after the fifth or sixth threat, they finally left; the little girl in quiet tears. The other newly arrived mother, meanwhile, still attended to her two year old boy.

I never heard her threaten him, but she did remind him of the slide rule several times, picked him up under his arms and redirected him more than once, but never had to raise her voice. Her behavior set the tone between them; therefore the little boy, in the hour that he played alongside Sarah, never yelled in anger or frustration, never intentionally disobeyed his mother, and had a grand ole time in the play area. She was a young mother and seemed to have a natural patience for her child which translated into mutual respect and the ease of communication that we all want with our children. I thanked both of the women for having a slide rule and had a short conversation with the mother of the young boy while Sarah squeaked around and he giggled all the way up the stairs and down the slide.