Adolescent Demons Debunked

Adolescence is one of the most difficult challenges that most parents face. The interesting thing about it, however, is that it is not a child's problem, nor an adult problem, but a societal one, and our society/culture is failing to effectively respond to the needs of teenagers. I'm going to focus on males first, since the subject came up with a recent reader, and then discuss females in a later blog. Teenage males are not actually angry, they're scared. They don't actually hate you, as a parent, they trust you. Anger is ALWAYS fear “turned inside out”, so figure out the fear, and how to handle it, and the anger will simply vanish. They act out towards the parent(s) or caregivers because they trust that person/those people to help guide them through something that is scary or that they don't quite understand and/or they trust that the parent/caregiver will be there to pick them up if they fall – literally and figuratively. You don't see many teenagers "acting out" towards strangers the way that they act out towards their parents, which is proof that trust is the bond being tested. Be sure that you're a trustworthy parent. Be consistent, even when it's painful, and always let them know that you love them, you just don't like certain behaviors. Behaviors can, and will, change, but your son will always be the boy you fed, bathed, and hoped for. An ex-professional football player, Jackson Katz, has produced an excellent video called “Tough Guise” about masculinity and hits the teenage nail on the thick head. I urge anybody and everybody to check out the YouTube clip at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI

You can buy the entire video online or check your local library for a copy. Check back for the next blog on the actual needs of adolescents vs. the lessons imposed upon them.

Why Building Skills Beats Building Wealth

How tight is your belt? Has the money stream pulled back to a trickle and left your cupboards bare? Do you feel trapped in a cocoon of poverty? Is it straining your relationships? Many, actually most, divorces root in financial problems/disagreements. So, are you feeling the pinch? Cutting back on spending? Stressing out on how to get a job, what you need vs. what you want, and how to make it through the next month, week, day, or hour? Children may not pay bills, or have to bring bread home to feed the family, but they used to. My grandfather, for example, stopped school and started working full time after 8^th grade, at age13. He gave his earnings to his mother, who then gave him 5 cents/day for lunch. I started work full time at 16 (I lived in a shed and fixed diesel truck tires for 10 hrs/day) and went to high school 1 day/wk, then put myself through college, with no parental support, by working two to three jobs while attending school and saving money during the summer, when I could work more hours. We were both teenagers when we began working, but were also still just “children” in so many ways. Many children in developing countries are at work right now, trying to help feed their families. Your children definitely understand the necessity of resources, whether they act like it or not, and would work if it were necessary. Indeed, some “acting out” behavior is simply fear of the family falling into poverty; especially for tweens and teenagers, who are beginning to realize how complex and “scary” the adult world can be. It's important, therefore, to include them in the “financial life” of the family. Teach your 10 yr. old how a checking account works, go over the monthly bills with your 14 yr. old and tell your 5 yr. old how you trade your time and skills for money in order to have a house, food, heat, etc. Keep it simple, but keep it real and don't cover any “hard truths”. My grandfather taught me many things, but one lesson stands out today. He told me, “Learn as many skills as you can because when there's no money, and people can't find jobs, you'll be able to make, fix, or maintain what you need. You can't make money when there's none to be made, but you can make things out of other things. Business and government control money, son, but you control your self.” I've stuck with that and I'm busier than ever now. I have work coming in like flood waters into the Amazon. It's a blessing (and the fruits of my grandfather's lessons). I'm reaping what he taught me to sow, and so will your children. Instead of creating a “rule” that they can only play X-box for 2 hrs/day, get them to a local blacksmith school to learn that skill, then take them to art classes, get them books about sewing, writing, building cabinets, fixing cars, etc. Make a rule in your family that “You are what you do, not what you say.” Always remember that YOU are your child's FIRST teacher. They look to you for “foundational” knowledge and to their friends for the experiences upon which they test that foundation. You don't “own” your children (and probably don't see yourself as your parents' property); instead, you are merely blessed enough to be able to help a new human being to “build” themselves upon whatever cultural and social belief system that they live within. Believe in your children and they will believe in themselves. Skills, faith in one's self, and a strong support network will break the bonds of poverty and we will emerge as butterflies ready to lift off into the great unknown where we will, without effort, find the sweet nectar of our labors in the flowers that already exist but can't be seen from within our cocoons. Children may not understand the complexity of money, I'm not even sure that I do, but they will understand the importance of skills and enjoy the lessons, especially when they become adults and realize that you have helped them to weather anything that the world can throw at them.

Please Take a Minute

If you read this, please take a minute to answer the questions that I post on the right side. I actually create the questions and use them as a tool to help me better understand what the readership would like to know more about. Please feel free to comment, as well, as this is not a blog about trendy new fashions or high tech devices, but an informational blog about the well being of your child, your family, and all of our lives. Thanks for all of the great comments, criticisms and accolades so far. I appreciate any and all feedback and hope to help as many people as possible, and receive help from others, throughout my interdependent life. Take care and enjoy the day!

When Boys Go Aggro!

Okay, this is a long one, but it's important. Political correctness aside, boys and girls, across cultures, play and learn differently. I've coined the term “creative play” to differentiate play styles. All, or most, child development texts teach about “dramatic play”, which is very female-centric. “Creative play” is less gender specific and, as we've discussed, involves more than just playing with dolls or dressing up and creating “dramatic” situations. Let's talk about boys and aggressive play. Attacking enemies, battling bad guys, winning wars, and rescuing strangers are all part of a boys socio-emotional growth. As I mentioned in a previous blog, they're acting out situations that they KNOW may be socially inappropriate, but doing so in a controlled, safe environment (which the parents should be providing). Based on my experiences working with hundreds of families, parents who steer their boys away from, and/or overprotect them from, violent, aggressive play inadvertently create violent, aggressive boys – boys who have no concept of what it means to be hit, hurt, or bruised. Boys who have experienced little or no physical pain, aggression from/with other boys, etc. have no empathy because they can't understand what the other person is going through not having experienced it themselves. Conversely, some of the abused boys I've worked with, once I get them “balanced”, become some of the most helpful and empathetic children I've ever seen! Let your boys run, leap, play, and take risks. It's imperative to their growth and directed by their genetic encoding. Boys develop “gross motor” skills (large muscle movements) first, while girls develop “fine motor” skills first; therefore boys need physical, tactile experiences in order to learn things like depth perception, the meaning of pain, the natural consequences of jumping out of a tree, or off the slide, and they need places to experiment, safely, with their own physical strengths and weaknesses. They need to learn their physical boundaries and always, regardless of culture, do this through physical, interactive, tactile play. They often create characters who have strengths that they would like to have themselves, or would like to understand better. They almost never create a character for themselves that is weak. It's always the positive – understanding their strengths. Hopefully parents will follow their lead and build on their strengths, too.

Parents Learn to Play

Conversations about “helping or hurting” that inspire children to think about what they're doing are effective. Yelling, “Stop hurting him!” does not have the same effect as asking the question “Are you helping or hurting?” and then continuing with "What are you trying to accomplish?" Help your child find a way to meet his/her own needs through thought, the way that you would. Remember, the world is new to them and they can't process information, nor assess situations as quickly as an adult; therefore it is our job to help them learn how to do that. Questions (as opposed to threats or statements) help the child to think about what they're doing and, as parents, we want to teach our children how to think clearly and act responsibly. We are what we do, not what we say. Creative play helps children to think through situations and act out possible reactions, outcomes, etc. in a safe and controlled environment. Safe environments that allow for experimentation help children to learn quickly due to low levels of stress and high levels of environmental control. Speak with your children, not to them. Get on the floor and remember how to play. If you've forgotten how to play - how to imagine that you're flying an airplane or conquering a foe - then you have something to learn from your child because I'll bet you that they know exactly how to have fun with imagination. In order to teach, one must first know how to learn. Young children learn through play, so in order for us to teach them, we must first know how to play with them!

Learning Empathy Trhough Creative Play

Okay, I'm back. I had to put the blog off for a week or so, but now I'll get back to how creative play can help calm children and increase his/her ability to be empathetic. Creative play is more than just dolls and tea parties. Toy cars, sticks, blanket forts, and anything safe for kids can be incorporated into creative play. Creative play is genderless and important for both boys and girls. If a boy is torturing his sister, or little brother, then the parent may want to set up some creative play games that will teach empathy. For example, have the boy build a tower of blocks, or anything that is challenging for him to build, then tell him that you're the monster who's going to knock it over. If he says “NO!” then it opens up an opportunity for the parent to talk about why he doesn't want the blocks knocked over and to apply that to how he treats his siblings. If he laughs and helps the parent knock the blocks over then the structure may not have been complicated enough; therefore he didn't feel “invested” in it enough, or the parent needs to try another approach. Each individual child sees and senses things differently. It may work better to role play with the boy. Put him in the role of a victim, like someone who broke his leg, and the parent can play the role of someone who is supposed to help, like a doctor, but won't help or even hurts him instead (this is role playing, remember, and the parent only PRETENDS to hurt him instead of helping him). This type of activity can open up conversation about the differences between helping and hurting, how he would like to be treated by those who are supposed to care about him, and how his siblings might feel, since they expect him to care for them.