Giant Cookie Kudos!

Sarah and I were at the park the other evening and several other parent/caregiver/child combinations were also there. One woman constantly yelled at her child to “Get down from there!” or “Move out of the way!” but never actually got up off the bench. Her child, of course, didn't follow a single direction. On the other hand, another lady, caring for her granddaughter who was probably in the 18 month old range, barely spoke a word, but her grandchild listened when Grandma did speak, didn't purposely break rules, and laughed a lot. Today I'm giving Kudos to that Grandmother and all of the other parents who actually play with their kids at the parks. Kudos to the parents who get off their butts and interact with their kids! I'm so glad to see grown men saying “WHEEEEE!” as their children swoosh down the slides! So, kudos to the men who are tough enough to do whatever they want and what they want is to be included in the lives of their children. Kudos to the women who take the time to get down to eye level and speak firmly, yet lovingly to children who are having trouble controlling themselves. And GIANT COOKIE KUDOS to all of those parents who have their children go up the stairs and down the slide!

Preventing Problems

Sarah has “acted out” for three days in a row when I come home from work. I realize that she wants to spend more time with her Daddy. She, however, needs to realize that I have to spend time with her, her Momma, and our new baby, Frances. I've made mental notes of what happens when I walk in the door, what happens before her “outbursts”, what happens during the incidents, and what happens after. By making these observations we were able to prevent most of the challenging behaviors on the fourth night and the next night should be even calmer. Whenever behaviors arise that are consistent, such as Sarah acting out before bedtime three nights in a row, make notes of what the child does before, during, and after the behavior. Patterns will emerge and then solutions can be formed and implemented. For Sarah the solution is for Daddy to spend the first half-hour home with her alone, then to play with baby Frances and/or talk with Momma. That's helped. Next, we began the “bedtime” routine one hour earlier, because the behavior was taking an extra hour, so now she's “back on schedule”. She still had some trouble settling in at first, but it was much easier, for all of us, compared to the previous nights, plus she went to bed voluntarily and on time. Remember – note what happens before, during, and after any “situation” and then work on solutions to prevent the problem in the future.

Taming of the Two

A wonderful thing happened the other night. We have two recliners in our living room, Mommy's and Daddy's. Mommy will ask Sarah to "Stop" several times, while Daddy (that's me) only asks Sarah to do something once, and then I get up and help her to do it or, if she's resisting (usually with a laugh - a sure sign of a child asking for limits), then I gently and SILENTLY remove her from the environment (she'll usually take my hand and just walk out of the room with me). I usually bring her into another room, get down to her eye level and then keep her there until she stops laughing and understands that I'm serious. I use very few words, only the words that are necessary, because she's processing language and can only “capture” the last few words spoken. For example, if she's been removed for “smacking” baby Frances, then I remove her from the environment, get eye to eye (though she doesn't always make eye contact) and tell her “That hurts Frances. She likes to be loved. Can you love the baby? Give her hugs and kisses?” Once she's calmed down she always agrees and wants to apologize and says something like, “Give my baby kisses?” then runs out and kisses her sister on her little, fuzzy head. So, back to last night, Sarah moved to “shake” the crib while Momma lay on the bed with Frances. Momma told Sarah to back away from the crib. Sarah “crept” forward with a devious smile. Momma said, “Sarah, get away from that crib.” Sarah latched onto it. “Stop it, Sarah. Leave the crib alone.” Momma raised her voice a little. Daddy, who had been observing the scenario and letting it play out, had seen enough and CLICK! THUNK! Down went his recliner's leg rest. Sarah knew, since Daddy consistently only asks once and then gets up and takes action, what that sound meant. She jumped like a frog and landed three feet away from the crib, rolling on the ground and laughing hysterically. I thanked her for listening and she soon fell asleep. The wonderful occurrence, if you haven't figured it out, is that Momma finally realized the importance, value, and effectiveness of consistency in parental behavior. Most people are so focused on the child's behavior that they don't examine their own. The sound of that chair meant that Daddy was going to take action, so Sarah stopped herself. Now Momma wants to create that response to the word “stop”, so she'll be asking Sarah to stop just one time and then taking the actions described above, which are infinitely more gentle, nurturing, and effective than spanking, but must be done firmly and without reward, bribery, laughing, or any sort of game playing that would take the focus away from “guidance”. It's the parent's job to keep the child focused on the lesson at hand so that the moment of teaching doesn't slip away before the child learns what is acceptable and what isn't, what helps and what hurts. This will have to be performed over and over, until the child knows her limits, so patience, consistency, firmness, and lots of love should be on your daily menu of discipline!

Baby Testing - Toddler Style

Sarah, our two year old, and Frances, our newborn, have been keeping us very busy. Sarah is testing out her new limits with the baby in the house. She's been “shaking” the crib, she has “smacked” Frances on the head twice, and has attempted to ignore our parental pleas for her to stop. Sarah is simply taking some time to learn what she can and can not do with and to the new baby and the new things in the environment, like the changing table and crib. We have, as parents, decided that she must stay off of her sister's crib and changing table, but can retrieve “burp” cloths and other items for us. When the older child is “included” in some of the child rearing tasks then they develop a closer bond with the baby and with the parents. Sarah also likes to help “fold” the baby's laundry (although we have to re-fold it when she's done!). She may not do it to adult standards, but it's not about folding for her. It gives her a sense of “involvement” and “helping”. It's also an opportunity for Sarah to learn how to fold clothes more effectively, but that's secondary to learning to care for each other and help out around the house. Remember that the older child can help, it's simply a matter of both parents agreeing on limits, restricting what is unsafe and allowing the child to do whatever is within their skill level, helpful and safe.

Toddler Meets New Baby Sister

I'm going to take a break today to introduce our new daughter into the world. We will return to male identity and development stuff next post, but today let us all give thanks that a new, healthy baby has entered into the world and been born into a family that will try to guide her towards a life of helpfulness, humility, and faith. Our two year old, Sarah, just met her baby sister, Frances, hours after she was born on April 2, 2009. We wondered how Sarah would react to her new sister, but it looks like all of the books about babies, talks about baby sister growing in Mom's belly, and the preparation for the day of the birth worked wonders. Sarah immediately wanted to hold her new baby sister, was unbelievably gentle and sat nearly still for the first hour, with Frances in her lap! In order to control the energy flow through her body, Sarah wiggled her feet and rubbed them together. Using baby dolls over the last nine months really helped us to prepare Sarah for how to hold the baby. Consistency, kindness, and preparation always pay off. I am blessed and overjoyed to be a new father - again!!!!