Target Practice! (Potty Training Boys)

Potty training boys can seem more like training an Army sniper with a bad aim, a bad attitude and a brain disorder.  You've gotta get him to hit the target, whether he wants to or not, and stay focused long enough to finish the job.  Children can, generally, begin to be potty trained between 16 and 24 months.  Any earlier and they simply don't have the muscles, or neurons, to do it.  First, let's try to understand him.  The muscles that work best in him are the BIG muscles, those that throw, jump, push, pull, etc.  The "small" muscles, like those that control the fingers, the eyelids, lips, and the bladder, develop faster in females, so expect to work a little longer with your boy than one would with a girl.  His brain has not yet developed the area that controls emotion (he's working on it, though), so expect him to revert to "baby crying" as a form of communication when he gets confused or doesn't want to comply.  It's just a natural reaction when one has only a few hundred words in their vocabulary.  Just ast the brain is developing the area that controls emotions and comprehends words, logic, etc., his body is still growing the muscles that control bodily fluids.  Now, knowing that his "small" muscles are hard for him to control, the important things are to remember that when he pees on the kitchen floor, or almost makes it to the bathroom, but not quite, and avoid "punishing" him for the accidents and yelling or cleaning it up for him.  Instead, when he has an accident, tell him that it's a mess (not "he" made a mess, but "There's a mess now, and it needs to be cleaned up), explain to him that he has a toilet to use, have him help clean it up as if it was simply some water that accidentally spilled and then he can wash his hands (and kids usually love "playing" in the water, so hand washing is fun and easy) and, if possible, have him flush whatever he used to clean it up down the toilet (so, the parent can use a towel to "help" him clean up, and he can use some toilet paper).  If he has to help clean it up, then he will begin to connect that it's a mess, like any other that he sees you clean up, and will (subconsciously) try to avoid making the mess.  If he doesn't have to help clean it up then he won't understand why peeing on the floor is a problem.  Next, ask him every 30 - 60 minutes if he has to use the bathroom.  Often, they simply forget and/or can't "feel" that they need to go.  Asking him if he has to use it will get him to "feel" his insides, his bladder, and get a sense for when it is full.  When he says that he has to go, GO!  Don't put him off, tell him to wait, etc.  Drop everything and go with him.  That's what you want, right, for him to tell you when he has to go?  But, he needs the parent or caregiver to help him.  It's all new to him, so he needs guidance.  Listen to him, help him.  When he does go in the toilet, then avoid giving him treats, or being cheesy like "Oh, you're such a good little boy!  Great job, buddy!"  Children can sense the "overdone" aspect of such comments and they carry very little meaning.  He's looking for your guidance, not your judgement.  Instead, use specific praise about what he did well.  "You peed in the toilet." is usually enough, but you can also say things like "You held it in all the way from the car into the bathroom." or "You are learning to use the potty!"  Get it?  SPECIFIC praise has meaning, tells him what he did, EXACTLY, that you're so happy about.  It gives him a sense of accomplishment and lets him know what he did "right".  Expect to do that for about 3 wks, even 4 for some boys.  Be patient and Consistent!  Do you respond better/listen better to people who are patient with you or people who are curt and punish you for your mistakes when you're learning something new?  Don't confuse patience with being slack, though.  Firm, consistent, strong willed discipline helps children the most, especially boys.  Patience means waiting out his tantrum and then firmly, consistently, going back to the task at hand until he can accomplish it, even if it's with the parent or caregiver's help.  Keep your focus so that he will learn to keep his.  Don't let him out of it, don't let his words distract you.  Bring him back to it, "Ready to clean up the mess, Hunter?" over and over again until he's ready.  In the end it'll teach him that you're trustworthy because you're consistent and that you're strong because you're firm and focused, which will, ultimately, make him feel safer and more secure in the world.  Another thing to do is to do stuff with him that uses his "fine motor skills", such as drawing with small pens and getting him to practice "holding" them correctly, making small circles with them (don't use those "jumbo" markers - it'd be like an adult writing with a broomstick).  Have him pour things from one container to another, slowly and carefully.  You can start with pouring "dry" things, like rice, since it's easier to clean up (keep a tiny broom and dust pan for him to "help" you clean up the spills).  Have him use large, pre-school type tweezers to move things, like large wooden beads, from one bowl to another.  Have him try to pick things up with his toes.  All of these activities that use "small" muscles will help his brain to develop the neurons to control the small muscles.  If, after that, he's still not going in the potty, the parent may need to use some more "assertive" techniques, but those are only to be used when reminders and specific praise don't work over a 3-4 wk period.  The boy may have a few accidents after that, but he should be able to use the toilet 99% of the time.  So, let's review:

1. Ask him every 30 - 60 minutes if he needs to use the bathroom.
2. If he has an accident, avoid "punishment" and have him help to clean it up, then wash hands.
3. #2 is not an "option" for him, he has to help to clean it up, even if he cries, whines, moans, or throws a fit.  Leave "it" until his fit is done, then ask him if he'd like you to help him to clean it up.  Don't give up on this one, it shows him that he's responsible, that it's easier to pee in the toilet, and that you care enough about his development to NEVER give up on him, regardless of the fits that he throws. 
4. Use "specific" praise to let him know what he did "right" so that he may repeat those actions.
5. Create and involve him in activities that use the "small" muscles.
   
6. Be patient and consistent.  Let me repeat that - Be patient and Consistent!  
7. Contact me if anything is unclear or needs more explanation - I don't edit these posts and I've gotta get ready for work!  Hope this helps.
   

Yes and No

When you make a mistake at work do you want to be forgiven, taught how to do accomplish the task, or told "No!" and punished for it?  "No, Jenny, that's not how you do it.  Go home today, you wont' be paid for tomorrow, either, because you didn't know how to write out that report!"  What effect would that have on your future relationship with your boss, your future work performance, and your desire to return to work?  What effect would compassion and understanding have, instead? Think about that when your children make mistakes.  Often, when they say "No" to a parent it is simply a mistake because they don't know their boundaries, their limits, and are really asking the parent to help them to learn those things.  More importantly, many things that parents say "No" to have a "Yes".  For example, a 12 yr old girl wants to go to the mall, but it's almost dinner time, mom has a million things to do, the girl has school the next day, etc.  The parent can say "No", or the parent can say "Yes, you can go to the mall on Friday, but today we need to eat dinner and get a good night's sleep."  It seems trite, but creates a ripple effect within the child's consciousness.  The child is not "smacked" in the face with a "NO!" but is, instead, given hope and a sense that her needs will be met.  She needs to socialize, to explore the adult world with her friends in a relatively safe place, and she needs to learn when it's going to be effective and helpful for her to go.  As parents we can often say "yes", but simply use "no" out of habit.  "Yes, you can have a cookie, tomorrow after school.  Right now we can read a book or... I can tickle you into your pajamas!"  Our words will have an effect on their development.  Let's catch them doing things right, use "Yes" whenever we can, tell them what "to do" rather than what "not to do" - "Bobby, put the bat down and take a bath, please." rather than "Bobby, stop hitting the chair and get your butt into the tub before I..."  You get it.  "Yes" feels better than "No" and is just as true, gives us hope, and creates less battles while providing more guidance, more options and, therefore, more choice.  Don't confuse this with saying "Yes" to everything the child wants, it's specifically a way to avoid saying "No" and creating conflict.  It's specifically used to help the child understand her boundaries.  It's specifically used to stay focused on the positive.  I hope it's used more often in each home that these words reach into, and each heart that understands the power of compassion.

Passing Time

This morning I seem to have that "time passes too quickly" feeling.  I wish that I could slow it down, spend the entire day playing, guiding, and giggling with the kids who call me "Daddy".  I'm so lucky to be with them, to learn with them, to share the fleeting moments of my fragile life with them.  Do any other parents feel this way?  I leave for work and feel a cord, my unseen umbilical, pulling me back to my daughters, my wife, and my home.  I return from work and feel the cord go slack, my muscles relax, and my giggle bone kicks in.  Sarah has been "hiding" from me when I come home lately, so that I will go and search for her, of course.  It adds an immediate touch of laughter to my long day and makes me feel so loved, so wanted and needed that I can only thank her by picking her up and tickling her to tears!  Last night we went so far as to build a fort in the living room, excuse me, a "tent" is what she called it.  "Not a fort, Dad.  It's my tent."  Okay, so we built a tent.  Have you built a blanket tent as an adult?  It's just as fun as, only less comfortable then, when you were 3, or 4, or 5.  It still has that "womb-like" sensation of being in a small, warm, dark and safe place.  It still brings imagination to the forefront and puts worry, fear, anxiety, sadness, and everything else on the back burner.  Maybe tonight we'll cook some green beans and carrots on her "stove", visit with Smokey the Bear in our imaginary forest, catch and release some ethereal fish and then settle in with some books before bed.  I guess that time doesn't need to slow down, I just need to savor the moments that we spend together.

The Tone of Tantrums

"No, Mommy! I don't wanna walk! I wanna ride in the stroller!" Sarah insisted one day when her little sister needed the stroller for a family walk. After that she screamed, pouted, and even fall onto the sidewalk and refused to get up. That was okay. Parents often base their own images on the behavior of their children, but children are people, not mirrors. They have their own moods, their own desires, and their own needs. If Sarah wants to throw a fit, then we let her throw a fit. This behavior is temporary, is about her understanding of how much control she has over us and over herself, and is fading quickly. I just picked her up off the sidewalk, carried her up to her bed and sat with her until she calmed down. Once a child is calm, then a parent can speak with her. "Are you ready to go for a walk, now?" I asked. "Yeah." She sniffed. "Okay, let's go! Let's get those strong legs movin'!" I used a tone of excitement. My mood drove her mood, once she broke out of the control issue, and I excited her by being excited myself. I was excited that she stopped pouting, excited to go on a walk with the family, and excited about how strong she's getting. Emotions show through the parent's voice, so understand that your children are sensing your mood through your tone, your words, and your actions. It's not all about their tantrum and how that reflects on the parent. Understand that their behaviors are not an embarrassment to the parent, but a step towards learning self control. Their tantrums need not be your tantrums. The tone of the tantrum will be set by the parental reactions. Your calm will become their calm. You're patience will help them, your empathy will pull them out of themselves and towards you. Rather than try to "change" them, stand apart from their emotions and simply be there for them when they calm down. Let them grow into their own identities. We are all interdependent, but each as our own "selves". Enjoy the tantrums, you may one day miss the little buggers :-)

Sleep? What's that?

Sarah, our two yr old, rarely naps and can run on "turbo" from 7 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. without stopping for gas. She woke me up at 2:30 this morning, wanting a drink of water, and I haven't been asleep since, but she's sound asleep now. I've always had the same ability to sleep little and work (or play) hard. We're even seeing signs of it in our 4 month old, Frances, who takes two or three fifteen or twenty minute naps a day. It's go, go, go for my poor wife and, although she may not see it, I feel for her! I know that she's a normal sleeper who needs 8.5 hrs a night but only gets 3 or 4 hrs of sleep at a time. She, somehow, manages to keep her sanity (although her patience often wears thin by the day's end, as does everybody's). I thought that we were just freaks of nature and, it turns out, we are! A new study by researchers at the University of California at San Francisco revealed that the gene DEC2 regulates the "internal clock" and that some people have a mutation in this gene, causing them to sleep less than the "average" individuals yet function just as well. It also showed, in mice and humans, that it allows us to recover from sleep deprivation faster than the average person. My wife, on the other hand, needs something to help her recover from us! God love her... I know I do!

Monkey in the Middle

One thing that I see happen quite often is that parents are either punishment oriented, or they do little or nothing about discipline (because they fear being punishment oriented). To clarify things, positive guidance lies right in the middle. A parent doesn't have to be firm, consistent, and patient. A parent doesn't have to be calm, communicate clearly, or be understanding. Finding the middle ground, however, where one can be flexible enough to be firm when a child isn't listening, to consistently follow through with the rules (especially when one doesn't want to), and patient enough to seek to understand what the child needs, feels, and/or wants, will create strong bonds and help the child to understand the parent's needs, wants, etc. Too nice can lead to children pushing even harder - running loose around stores, not listening, screaming at inappropriate times just to get a response - in order to get the parent to set limits for her. Too cruel can lead to the same thing, only instead of laughing and not listening, the child will probably be cussing and not listening. If you want your child to listen then listen to your child's body language, observe what he or she needs or wants on a regular basis, learn to anticipate what's coming by recognizing behaviors. A parent must be able to say "No" calmly, clearly, and consistently and show the child that he/she is serious. It's not a game. After the "fit" that often follows, a parent must understand that the child needs to be nurtured so that they know that they simply made a mistake and didn't "let the parent down". Hug your child, tell them that they can try again next time and then move on to something, but avoid "treating" the child. Just move on to a normal activity or leave the child alone to read, play, etc. In the middle you'll find the answers.

The Edge of Sanity

There are times when 2 yr olds can push a parent to the edge of sanity. Times when they whine, cry, and use "No" to push every button on the "parental control panel". These are the times to step back and remember something very important, but often forgotten. A 2 yr old child has a very small vocabulary - only about 250 words on average - and, therefore, cannot express frustration, fear, and most other emotions that we can express as adults. A 2 yr old has only been alive for 2 yrs! A 2 yr old has only been really talking for less than a year! Remember, when you want to pull your hair out and start swinging things, that this child before you is in between being an infant and being a child, just as a teenager is trapped between childhood and adulthood (you remember that awkward phase, right?). It is a very confusing time for the child. The situations may be difficult for the parent, but they are nearly incomprehensible to the child. The child depends on the parent or caregiver to guide him or her through it. As she screams, spits, kicks, and falls to the floor in dramatic fashion, remember that she is just confused, frustrated, and does not yet understand what power and control she has over her own life. Help your child to set limits and understand what she can say "Yes" and "No" to by being consistent with your rules and, when she calms down, then sitting and talking with her about things like "If you say No then you get into trouble, but if you clean up your toys then you can lay out your blanket, or play with another toy, or sit with me, etc." Many options open up with the word "Yes", a 2 yr old simply needs to learn how, and why we cooperate with one another. Remember to see your child as "in transition" from an infant, who communicates through "coos and cries" to a "child", who communicates with words and body language. Give them room to grow and patience enough to correct the mistakes that they usually make by accident or in an attempt to understand a boundary. Love them now, while they are still little, and they will love you back. Understand them now, when they need it the most, and they will understand you later, when you need it the most. Tell me, what are your hottest buttons and what keeps you calm and cool?