Communicating with Care

Sometimes, as parents, we get so caught up in the children that we forget to communicate, to love, to seek to understand each other. We get so busy with lunches and lessons, dinners and disasters that we fail to care for each other. Parents communicate, whether we're aware of it, or not. We get busy, yell at each other, and take out our frustrations on each other all too often. It's difficult, but healthy, to remember that every parent has the weight of somebody else's life on their shoulders. Moms, remember to appreciate what dad does do, not what he forgets to do or can't do. Dads, remember to appreciate what mom gets done and not just what she complains about or wants done. There are so many things to appreciate, yet we often focus on the things that scare us. If a parent gets mad because the other forgot to pick the kids up from school on time, then the parent is not realizing that the kids did get picked up, the other parent did not mean to hurt anybody. The parent is simply scared that the kids “could have been” hurt. But, they weren't. Remember that when your kids are safe! Remember to allow others room for errors and they will allow you room for the errors you're bound to make. Remember to appreciate the moments that we get with each other. We will all pass on one day and true prosperity can not be bought. True prosperity is NOT burying your child. True prosperity is knowing what your spouse needs at the end of the day. True prosperity is receiving what you need from your spouse. True prosperity comes from asking, listening, caring, sensing, wondering, and communicating with one another. This is not to say that we should “dote” on each other. Quite the opposite, in fact. It's much simpler than that. We simply need to care and be aware of one another. We simply need to be able to say “I got a little worried when you didn't pick the kids up on time, but I'm glad that we're all home now.” The normal conversation would go more like this: “Where the hell were you? Why didn't you pick up the kids? Are you stupid? How could you forget...” Either way, the kids got picked up. The difference lies in being grateful that the kids are safe and understanding that everybody makes mistakes. Communicating in such ways creates an atmosphere of safety, where nobody's perfect and nobody's expected to be, even you!

Separation Anxiety Caused and Cured by Parents

Back to separation anxiety – let's look at some solutions. If children are crying when one parent picks up, or drops them off, then they are probably having bouts of separation anxiety. If the parents are divorced then they must work together, for the health and well being of the children, in order to solve the issue. We all have issues, but not addressing the one's that our children face is not parenting. Let's say a father drops his daughter off after his “weekend” visit and she's happy to be back with mom. The father may feel hurt and those feelings will, in turn, be felt by the child. The father needs to be happy that his daughter is happy, period. When he comes to pick her up the next weekend, she cries. She doesn't want to leave her mom. The father thinks that it's because his daughter doesn't love him, but that's rarely the case. If the father is EXTREMELY abusive, then it may be the case, but let's assume that he isn't. The mother could be, consciously or sub – consciously, coercing the daughter into feeling as though the father is “bad” or that “mom is better”. She could be instilling her own fears into the daughter. 90% of our fears NEVER COME TRUE, so DON”T DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS! Instead of filling them full of fears, show them solutions by recognizing fears and working through them. It can help to reduce separation anxiety and other “issues” faced by families. There are so many “root causes” to separation anxiety that it's difficult to discuss every possible solution, but another effective tool is to play the “Pick Me Up” game. Assuming that both parents want what's best for the child, and using the same scenario as above, the mother would drop the child off at the father's house, rather than the father picking her up. The mother would also explain that she's going to drop the girl off, then come back in 15 minutes. She leaves without a lot of hype, just “Bye bye. I love you.” and a kiss and hug and mom goes out the door, regardless of how the child behaves. She returns fifteen minutes later, just like she said, hangs out for ten or fifteen minutes, then leaves for a half hour, with the same messages to the child. Don't let the child control the situation by crying. The crying child is looking for attention, which the father can and must provide, and also looking to see if her mother will consistently return when she says that she will. Once the child feels that she can trust her mother to return and her father to take care of her emotional and physical needs, then the behavior will subside. There are many other reasons for separation anxiety, many more solutions, and each individual family and child needs similar, but unique solutions so contact me if you need any help. Remember that your children depend on you to set their limits so that they can feel secure in a large, dangerous world. That security changes their view of the world from “large and dangerous” to “fun, beautiful, and expansive”. Think about it, then go out and play. Up the stairs and down the slide!

Happy Mother's Day!!

Mothers feed us when we can not feed ourselves. Mothers warm us when we can not warm ourselves. Mothers protect us with their own lives. Mothers use every ounce of energy to help us meet our needs as we grow and change and, eventually, leave them. Mothers do not sacrifice anything for their children. They share life with their children. They share energy, food, shelter, laughter, tears, and everything else with their children. Are you a mother sharing your life with children, friends, lovers, and family? If so, I hope you have time today to see yourself as the pillar of family life and the lighthouse we all look to when the fog rolls into our lives. Imagine life without those with whom you share it, realize that what you have to share and who you share it with is what makes life fulfilling, and then have a gigantic, fantastic and extremely Happy Mother's Day!

Crying for Mommy!

We all must, at some point, separate from each other. People leave for work, kids leave for school, and people pass away. Separation is normal and so is the anxiety that it causes within us. As adults we should have the tools to deal with the anxiety of separation and, if we don't, we can always seek to learn those skills. Children, however, don't have the ability to make the choices that adults can make or process information like we can; therefore they need our help and experience to guide them. It would be impossible to address all forms of separation anxiety in a quick blog, so I'll address a specific type that affects millions of families throughout the world. Divorce can reduce stress in a relationship, but can also add stress, depending on how mature the adults act. Children, however, have a hard time understanding the need for the separation and often blame it on themselves or feel guilty that they didn't, somehow, prevent the divorce. The emotions created during the failing relationship, throughout the divorce, and afterward can be turned to the negative or positive. It is the parents' job to guide the child(ren) through the process of translating their emotions into words so that they may communicate how they feel. Separation anxiety usually occurs when one parent is “dropping off” or one is “picking up” the child(ren) for their “time”. If this happens with your children, drop by Down the Slide in a couple of days for solutions to separation anxiety that may work for your child(ren). You may also shoot me a comment or question and some information about your family situation and I'll do my best to provide more personal solutions.

Whine Tasting

Let's say your two year old is playing with a doll in her room. She needs help putting the doll's clothes on so she yells for you to come. You call back and say, “If you need help with your doll, please bring it in here and I'll help you.” Your two year old hasn't napped and is tired, so she decides that throwing a fit suits her well at the time and begins to whine, “NOOO! You come here! Nooo!” Then the tears, more whining, and you hear her doll “Thump!” hit the wall. When you go into the room to see what's happening, she throws an even bigger fit. The next step is to remove the child from the environment. Sarah just did this last night, so her mom asked her to walk out into the living room, which she did, but not without breathless tears. Her mom handed the doll back to her and Sarah decided to throw it on the ground. Mom picked it up and put it away, sending Sarah into a whining, crying, full-blown tantrum. So, what's the next step? It's simple. Mom gets down on Sarah's level, tells her that she CAN have her doll, she just needs to stop crying and ask in a clear, strong voice. Sarah does her best to do just that and runs back into her room, ready to play. The next step, however, is what most parents miss. THIS IS IMPORTANT! Knowing what happened before the behavior – Sarah became frustrated trying to put clothes on her doll – a parent can prevent the next “whine” by pulling the doll back down, giving it to the child, and then asking the child if she needs help putting the clothes on the doll. Mom forgot to do this, so the next thing that Sarah did was whine that she wanted her doll. Mom got the doll and gave it to her, but could have avoided tasting Sarah's whine if she had assessed the situation and predicted what Sarah would do next. These “predictions” can prevent behaviors that are annoying, harmful, and/or unnecessary. Remember to watch what the child does before, during, and after the behavior and you'll be able to prevent it in the future. Don't let your children get drunk on the power of whining and drive you insane! Meet their needs through observation and you'll enjoy their stages of development, notice more about them, learn who they are as they grow up, and spend less time “disciplining” them and more time playing with them.