Separation Anxiety Caused and Cured by Parents

Back to separation anxiety – let's look at some solutions. If children are crying when one parent picks up, or drops them off, then they are probably having bouts of separation anxiety. If the parents are divorced then they must work together, for the health and well being of the children, in order to solve the issue. We all have issues, but not addressing the one's that our children face is not parenting. Let's say a father drops his daughter off after his “weekend” visit and she's happy to be back with mom. The father may feel hurt and those feelings will, in turn, be felt by the child. The father needs to be happy that his daughter is happy, period. When he comes to pick her up the next weekend, she cries. She doesn't want to leave her mom. The father thinks that it's because his daughter doesn't love him, but that's rarely the case. If the father is EXTREMELY abusive, then it may be the case, but let's assume that he isn't. The mother could be, consciously or sub – consciously, coercing the daughter into feeling as though the father is “bad” or that “mom is better”. She could be instilling her own fears into the daughter. 90% of our fears NEVER COME TRUE, so DON”T DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS! Instead of filling them full of fears, show them solutions by recognizing fears and working through them. It can help to reduce separation anxiety and other “issues” faced by families. There are so many “root causes” to separation anxiety that it's difficult to discuss every possible solution, but another effective tool is to play the “Pick Me Up” game. Assuming that both parents want what's best for the child, and using the same scenario as above, the mother would drop the child off at the father's house, rather than the father picking her up. The mother would also explain that she's going to drop the girl off, then come back in 15 minutes. She leaves without a lot of hype, just “Bye bye. I love you.” and a kiss and hug and mom goes out the door, regardless of how the child behaves. She returns fifteen minutes later, just like she said, hangs out for ten or fifteen minutes, then leaves for a half hour, with the same messages to the child. Don't let the child control the situation by crying. The crying child is looking for attention, which the father can and must provide, and also looking to see if her mother will consistently return when she says that she will. Once the child feels that she can trust her mother to return and her father to take care of her emotional and physical needs, then the behavior will subside. There are many other reasons for separation anxiety, many more solutions, and each individual family and child needs similar, but unique solutions so contact me if you need any help. Remember that your children depend on you to set their limits so that they can feel secure in a large, dangerous world. That security changes their view of the world from “large and dangerous” to “fun, beautiful, and expansive”. Think about it, then go out and play. Up the stairs and down the slide!