Bribery vs. Honesty

Desperate times require desperate measures, right?  When a parent needs their child to stop peeing on the floor and make it to the toilet because dinner's on the stove, the baby is crying, and a news flash is pulling her toward the T.V. then something has to give.  So, most parents "give" the toddler some kind of "reward" for making it to the potty.  It's very popular, even among many teachers, to use what we call "extrinsic motivators" to get kids to do something, like pee in the toilet.  "Extrinsic" means "outside of one's self".  When a parent uses "extrinsic motivators" it creates an expectation that the parent "owes" the child something.  If the parent doesn't have something to "reward" the child with, say, on a trip to the store, then the child can, and will, throw a fit, pee on the floor on purpose, etc.  The child will expect to be "rewarded" for doing things that the child should do naturally, such as normal bodily functions.  The child will also develop an unhealthy sense of "entitlement" - which means that, when they're older, they'll feel that they're "entitled" to things like expensive clothes, fancy tech toys, nice cars, etc. rather than feeling like they need to "earn" such things.  The goal is for children to be motivated "intrinsically", or from the "inside".  Rather than using a candy to "reward" the child for peeing in the toilet, use "natural consequences" and "specific praise" as "intrinsic motivators" for the child.  If a child pees on the floor, hand her a towel, say "If you pee in the toilet you can keep playing, but you peed on the floor so you have to stop playing and clean it up.  Do you want me to help you?"  Then, have her clean it up (no matter how imperfectly).  If she pees in the toilet, simply say "You did it!  You peed in the toilet and so now you can play instead of having to clean it up off the floor."  A child doesn't need our judgment - "Good job" or "Bad girl".  They need to hear EXACTLY what they did correctly.  Note the difference between the simple statement of "You peed in the toilet." and "Good job."  The first one tells the child what he did correctly, the second simply "judges" what he did without any indication of what the parent has noticed.  These simple tricks work extremely well.  Simply remember the following:
1.  Avoid "extrinsic motivators" because they lead to feelings of "entitlement" and the need for "rewards".
2.  Tell children what "to do" so that they know what to do!  (They usually already know what "not to do".)
3.  Use "specific praise" to describe what you see when the child does something well, or correctly.  "You picked up all of your books.  That helps to keep the house clean.  Thanks, Francine!"
4.  Do all of the above CONSISTENTLY and, I promise, it will work.
5.  If your child has special needs, then contact me at ajs@talespinnerpublications.com and I can go into more detail about techniques to use to help your specific child and his/her specific needs.
6.  Have fun whenever you can!  Accidental spills can be fun to clean if you're laughing!  Putting toys away can be fun if you're testing how fast your hands are!  Silliness is born into us and stressed out of us, so relax and silly yourself up a little.  Your kids will love you for it!