To the Mall and Back

To the Mall and Back

Today's blog involves a mall, slides, and squeaky shoes. I went with my daughter, Sarah, to the mall. She had on her new shoes that Grandma had bought her, which have “squeakers” in the heels that sound like dog toys. We walked through Sears and headed straight for the play area at the mall's center. It's a wooden structure with one set of steel steps, one tube slide, one low, curved slide, two side by side high slides, and one high, twisting slide, all made of tan plastic. The static electricity generated when the kids slide down the slides literally makes their hair stand on end. A girl of about 2.5 years and her brother of about 3.5 years were in control of the high, side by side slides and laughed loudly as they slid down and then immediately climbed back up the slides to purposely shock themselves by touching the smooth metal bolts at the top of the slide. Their mother sat on a nearby bench, her eyes distant, and nodded towards them when they called out to her. She finally spoke when it was time to go and both children, exhausted, probably thirsty, expressed disdain. The boy left, begrudgingly, but the little girl, with her innocent, blue eyes surrounded by black lines, was carried out , kicking and screaming, like a sack of potatoes. My daughter, Sarah, just stood and watched the entire ordeal for the first five minutes that we spent at the play area.

When the kids left, Sarah ran up the stairs and straight to the high slides. She picked one and whooshed down it. Her hair stood up in strands like strings of silk waiting to be woven into the most elegant and beautiful of garments She laughed, smiled, and ran back to the steps like a typical two year old. A mother showed up, as Sarah climbed the steps, with a girl who looked to be about 3.5 years old, another girl who might have been about eighteen months old, and a baby boy who crawled like a Komodo Dragon after a rabbit. The 3.5 year old girl, let's call her Miranda, zipped past Sarah and plopped down on one of the high slides. She then tapped the slide next to her and gazed at up at Sarah, who wasn't sure how to respond. I said, “She wants you to sit down on the slide next to her.” Sarah looked at me, smiled, turned back around to Miranda, and hid her happy, shy face in her hands. Miranda, however, would not be deterred. She asked Sarah to sit down again and added, “Don't let anyone else take it!” She had that hurried whisper to her speech, as if she didn't want anybody else to hear her and that Sarah had to sit down quickly to avoid the consequences of losing control of the side by side slides. Sarah eventually sat down and Miranda spoke in ways that only a toddler could pay attention to, though neither one really understood the other. They eventually slid down, Miranda first, then Sarah.

Miranda immediately turned and climbed back up the slide. Sarah began to follow, but we have a rule: “Up the stairs, down the slides.” After warning her to follow the rule she continued up the slide, so I picked her up under both arms, set her down softly on the black rubber mats beneath the play structure, and reminded her, quietly and in her ear, of our rule. Then I stepped the energy up and said, “Run, girl, run! Wanna run to the stairs?” Her face lit up and her heels squeaked all the way to the stairs. Another mother came by with a boy who seemed to be about twenty months old. Minutes later another mother with a slightly younger boy showed up. I sat back and noticed that the two newly arrived moms were instructing their kids to go up the stairs and down the slides. I was ecstatic. After watching several children, many of whom were too old to be on the play structure, run up and down and even jump off of the slides, it was a relief to have two other parents who had a logical, reasonable safety rule for the slides.

Many things happened today, but let's take what I've described above and think about it. First, let's look at the actions of the parents' actions and delve into possible outcomes, had parental actions and reactions been different. Finally, we'll discuss the effects of parental decisions on the children.

The first two children, with the barely responsive mother, were purposely shocking themselves. The question that we must ask is, “Did the children actually enjoy the shock, or were they simply doing the most outrageous things in order to gain their mother's attention?” First, let's consider that the shock from static electricity is not all that harsh and produces more of a “shock value” than pain (no pun intended). With that in mind, it may be that the children had what is called a “low sensory threshold” for pain; therefore the shocks simply provided extra stimulation for them because they were not very sensitive to pain, or touch, through the skin. This is normal for some people. We all have different sensory thresholds, which I will discuss in a later blog. Another possibility is that the children, as mentioned earlier, were seeking attention from their mother. The third possibility is that it was a combination of the two; low sensory thresholds for touch stimulation and seeking attention. We can quickly discern which possibility most likely drove the children's behaviors by looking at the behaviors surrounding the shocks.

When the children slid down the slides, they immediately turned and climbed back up, but when they got to the top and shocked themselves, they would both laugh and turn to look at their mother's response. After every two or three trips, when they saw that their mother was not responding, they would climb the slides, but wait to shock themselves and call out, “Look, Mom!” before they shocked themselves. The mother would then look up and nod her head. Once she said, “Yeah”, when the boy was yelling louder than normal. Why did he increase the volume? Simple, he wanted her to watch him. Had they been going up and down the slides and not calling out for attention, then we could assign the reason of low sensitivity to touch stimulation, but since they called out in regular intervals, and the volume increased when the mother didn't respond in a timely manner, then we can assume that the children were seeking attention. Another sign showed itself as they left.

The mother did not warn them that they would be leaving in five minutes, or that they had two more trips up and down the slide, or give any other signal that they would soon be transitioning from play time to leaving. When the time came, she simply said, “Let's go. Get down from there.” The little girl immediately began to cry and say, “NO!” The boy ignored her until she actually stood up and walked over to the slide with threatening body language. He then slipped down the slide like a balloon that had a small hole poked in it and was slowly losing air. The girl, however, clung to the top of the slide and the mom had to wrench her from the play structure as she cried to stay longer.

The mother could have avoided the deflation of her son's joy and the loss of self control experienced by the girl by simply communicating to them that she needed to leave in five minutes, then again at two minutes, then telling them that they could go up and down one more time, and then leaving. The attention that they craved was actually for communication. They wanted their mother to communicate her pride for their abilities to climb, to slide quickly, and to recognize their experiences with static electricity. She could have used the time to teach them about static electricity, about friction, and about fun. Her decision to ignore the children and use the time to sit on her butt taught the kids that they need to exhibit more and more severe behavior, use more and more extreme measures to gain their mother's attention. Now let's move on to the next situation.

Remember that my daughter, Sarah, sat down next to Miranda, the new arrival, and after sliding down, Sarah wanted to climb up the slide like Miranda, whose mother seemed to be as attentive as possible considering that she had two very young children to chase. Also, remember that I warned Sarah to go up the stairs and she ignored the warning, on purpose, and tried to quickly scramble up the slide. I picked her up and removed her from the slide. This is the important part to note. When you pick a child up, pick her up underneath both arms. Their tendons, which connect muscles to bones, are still soft, weak, and can easily be torn if a child is grabbed by one arm and lifted, placing the child's entire body weight on the tendon and straining it, which can lead to a tear or a dislocated joint. Under both arms is also safer because if the child decides to try to kick, hit, or bite you then you can easily hold her away from you at a safe distance until she calms down.

The next thing to note is that when I set Sarah down, I had to make a choice: either dole out punishment and reinforce what not to do, or remind her of what to do and reinforce mutual respect, communication, and understanding. Reminding her of the rule communicates to her that I understand her age and stage of development and am giving her the opportunity to control herself. It's also important to note that I set her down gently and whispered in her ear. Why not just plop her down and tell her, like most parents, to get up the stairs or we're leaving, in a strong, loud voice? If the parent uses a loud voice and commands the child, then the child actually feels embarrassed and punished. If the parent chooses to whisper a reminder of what the rule is then the child is well aware that nobody else heard about, or noticed, her mistake and so she is more apt to listen and follow the rule. Most children are keenly aware of how little they know and how much they need guidance and that other people are watching; therefore parents may take care not to embarrass them in public and avoid behaviors in children that, in turn, embarrass the parent. The next thing that I did was to instill a sense of excitement about the rule. Using an excited tone of voice and asking her if she'd like to “run” to the stairs excited her and she did run, without questioning the rule or ignoring her parent. Enthusiasm spreads as quickly as any other emotion and it's the job of a parent to set the tone in any given environment. It's not always possible, of course, because children have their own emotions and can, at times, be exhausted or stressed and as a result not be able to control themselves or process information well in a given moment. It is, however, easier and more effective to influence a child's mood rather than force them into submitting to a rule.

Next, two more mothers showed up. One had a little girl, about the same age as Sarah, with brown hair in pigtails, and the other had a son who had just turned two years old a few weeks earlier. Both mothers reminded their children to go up the stairs and down the slides. The mother of the little brunette girl asked where I got the “squeaky” shoes from and I told her. The other mother kept herself busy. She followed her son and made sure that he was safe. The little girl's mother effectively reminded her daughter to go up the stairs and down the slides, but she always added “If you go up the slide again then we're going to leave.” The use of “if” followed by “then” is always either an explanation of natural consequences, such as, “If you touch the hot stove, then you'll get burned.” or a threat, which is what the mother of the dark haired girl was using. The expression of natural consequences can often be phrased in a way that teaches children what to do (as opposed to the example above, which is what not to do) such as “If you stay away from the stove, then you won't get burned.”

Threats only serve to frustrate, upset, and weaken a child's will. If a threat must be used to avoid a truly dangerous situation, such as “If you go in the street again, then you'll have to play inside for the rest of the day.” then a parent must only give one warning. The next move is to follow through and have the child play indoors for the rest of the day after going into the street again. Of course, the use of threats can be avoided. The parent could say, “Please stay in the yard. There are cars in the street and they can hurt you. Do you want to play, or do you want to get hurt? I want you to be able to play out here all day, so stay in the yard, away from the cars, where you'll be safe.” Phrasing is very important when speaking with children since they have a limited vocabulary and are involved in the process of understanding safety, the reasons for rules, consequences, responsibilities, etc.. If a parent doesn't follow through immediately, then the threat becomes nothing more to the child than more words. The mother of the brown haired girl, with her best intentions and child's safety in mind, could have chosen a different path to reach the same goal of following the rule to go up the stairs and down the slide. As a result, however, the little girl continued to try and climb up the slides and, after the fifth or sixth threat, they finally left; the little girl in quiet tears. The other newly arrived mother, meanwhile, still attended to her two year old boy.

I never heard her threaten him, but she did remind him of the slide rule several times, picked him up under his arms and redirected him more than once, but never had to raise her voice. Her behavior set the tone between them; therefore the little boy, in the hour that he played alongside Sarah, never yelled in anger or frustration, never intentionally disobeyed his mother, and had a grand ole time in the play area. She was a young mother and seemed to have a natural patience for her child which translated into mutual respect and the ease of communication that we all want with our children. I thanked both of the women for having a slide rule and had a short conversation with the mother of the young boy while Sarah squeaked around and he giggled all the way up the stairs and down the slide.