Whack 'em!

I can't count how many times I've seen people spank, or at least threaten to spank, their child in public. I can only imagine what happens to some of those poor kids when nobody's looking. We've all seen it and some of you have done it. It's no big deal, right? Some parents describe it as just a "tap" on the butt, or something that they'll only use when a child does something extremely dangerous, like running out into the street after a ball or throwing a knife at a sibling. It's probably been the most used discipline technique in human history, so let's take a look at the effects of spanking a child.
The exact effects of spanking differ from child to child, of course, since each person has a different tolerance to pain, different emotional states, and many other differences that will influence the effect that a good "swat" will have. I remember being spanked, as a child, many, many times. I was usually spanked with a bare hand or a wooden spoon. I was hit on the butt, on the legs as I ran away, on the hands as I tried in vain to protect myself, on the arm when I zigged instead of zagging, etc. The memories I have of being spanked link not to the lessons that my parent was trying to teach me, but to the actual event of being spanked. I remember that being spanked upset me, made me feel weak, defenseless, and humiliated. I also know, for a fact, that the single parent who raised me was truly just frustrated, scared for my safety, or that of others, and trying to help me to learn which behaviors were socially appropriate and safe and which were not.
Spanking is the most common form of discipline, but it is also the least effective. To ensure that one's children are safe, behaving appropriately, and still able to express themselves, be creative, and explore new things, the parent(s) or caregiver must provide opportunities that are safe and structured and guide children through the challenges. Let's use the example I mentioned earlier about one sibling throwing a knife at another.
We'll call the one who threw the knife Gerald, and the one whose foot got cut as the knife skipped by him, Jeff. Gerald is four years old and Jeff is seven. Gerald is mad because Jeff won't let him play a video game, so he grabs a knife off of the kitchen counter and intentionally throws it at Jeff. Jeff then yells at Gerald, calls him a variety of forbidden names, chases him through the house, tackles him in a hallway, and punches Gerald on the arms, the legs, anywhere that will hurt, but not permanently injure Gerald. Jeff's learned where to hit and where not to by being hit himself; more precisely, by being “spanked” as punishment. So, what does a parent do?
Spanking, obviously, won't work because that's what taught Jeff when, where, and how to beat up his brother. It also teaches that if somebody does something that you don't like than you can control them by hurting them. Is that what most parents want their children to learn? Alternatively, kids HATE having to stop what they're doing, THINK, and TALK about their actions. It's far more brutal, for a child, to have to examine their actions, and the consequences of them, than to be hit and sent to their room.
The effective action for a parent to pursue is to first decide how they feel about the child's behavior. In this case, the parent must admit that he/she felt FEAR for the safety of both of the children. Next, the parent must separate the children, leaving the older one alone for a moment while talking to the youngest one. The words used with Gerald should include questions like, “Did you throw the knife because you wanted to play that game?” and “Did you get to play the game, or did you get hurt?” Also, questions like “What could you have done differently to play the game?” If the child doesn't know, then offer some suggestions, “Could you have asked to take a turn when he was done and then played with something else while you waited? What could you have played with while you waited?” Using questions like this helps the child to learn to reason, to make sound judgments and to think about safety, delayed gratification and other important aspects of decision making. The parent must also make it very clear how dangerous the actions was. “Did you want to hurt your brother? Do you know that a knife can do more than just hurt him, it could kill him, it could make us have to rush him to the hospital, but it won't get you a turn on the game.” Make it real for the child. Use words that are a part of reality. It may seem harsh to say to Gerald that he could have killed his brother, but it's the truth and children depend on parents to be honest and expose them to the truth. Note, however, how the end of the sentence relays the message that hurting his brother will not get him any game time. A parent may then go into explaining the natural consequences of the actions. “If you hurt your brother then do you think that he'll want to play with you? Do you think he'll give you more turns if you hurt him or if you help him and play with him?” Remember, parents, that you're teaching your child to THINK, to REASON, to UNDERSTAND relationships and consequences and to take RESPONSIBILITY for their own actions (which can not be accomplished by spanking him or her). The older child, Jerry, is old enough to have controlled himself long enough to allow the parent to talk to the younger sibling first, but it's important to address Jerry's feelings, understand his reactions and his thoughts on the subject, too.
Jerry reacted by chasing Gerald down, tackling him, and punching him. The parent must ask Jerry if he felt that the problem was solved after that and that Gerald would never try to hurt him again. Regardless of Jerry's answer, the thought processing lessons must continue with questions like, “So, what's the best way that you can think of to keep your brother from trying to hurt you?” and “Do you think that he would have thrown the knife if you'd given him a turn on the game? Would you rather take turns with the game or have knives thrown at you?” The parent's goal is to get the child to question his own actions by suggesting the questions that Jerry needs to ask himself in order to prevent such a fight in the future. “If Gerald throws anything at you tomorrow, what will you do?” The parent needs to know what Jerry is thinking and then guide him towards thoughts that avoid violent, dangerous, or threatening situations and instead use creative, playful, or positive methods of avoiding danger, like sharing, caring, and understanding the needs of others. He must also know that the parent understands that he was only trying to defend himself, but that the actions he took were not so much self defense, since Gerald no longer had the knife, but actually acts of vengeance. The parent has an opportunity to teach the differences between self defense and vengeance, between helping and hurting. Jerry must also be taught that he is older, smarter, and more capable of turning the situation into a positive by thinking before acting, by sharing, by communicating to his brother something as simple as when he would get a turn. The best option to spanking may take more time, but it works, while spanking doesn't.
I hope that more parents will take the time to talk with their kids, ask questions and be firm and consistent. Spanking is lazy, harmful, and has the opposite effect of what most parents want, which is to teach the child a lesson. Lessons are taught by example and communication, so set the example of reasoning, caring, and sharing, and communicate your fears, your understandings, and your questions as clearly as possible. Kids love to be loved and no love can compare to that of a parent!