Taming of the Two

A wonderful thing happened the other night. We have two recliners in our living room, Mommy's and Daddy's. Mommy will ask Sarah to "Stop" several times, while Daddy (that's me) only asks Sarah to do something once, and then I get up and help her to do it or, if she's resisting (usually with a laugh - a sure sign of a child asking for limits), then I gently and SILENTLY remove her from the environment (she'll usually take my hand and just walk out of the room with me). I usually bring her into another room, get down to her eye level and then keep her there until she stops laughing and understands that I'm serious. I use very few words, only the words that are necessary, because she's processing language and can only “capture” the last few words spoken. For example, if she's been removed for “smacking” baby Frances, then I remove her from the environment, get eye to eye (though she doesn't always make eye contact) and tell her “That hurts Frances. She likes to be loved. Can you love the baby? Give her hugs and kisses?” Once she's calmed down she always agrees and wants to apologize and says something like, “Give my baby kisses?” then runs out and kisses her sister on her little, fuzzy head. So, back to last night, Sarah moved to “shake” the crib while Momma lay on the bed with Frances. Momma told Sarah to back away from the crib. Sarah “crept” forward with a devious smile. Momma said, “Sarah, get away from that crib.” Sarah latched onto it. “Stop it, Sarah. Leave the crib alone.” Momma raised her voice a little. Daddy, who had been observing the scenario and letting it play out, had seen enough and CLICK! THUNK! Down went his recliner's leg rest. Sarah knew, since Daddy consistently only asks once and then gets up and takes action, what that sound meant. She jumped like a frog and landed three feet away from the crib, rolling on the ground and laughing hysterically. I thanked her for listening and she soon fell asleep. The wonderful occurrence, if you haven't figured it out, is that Momma finally realized the importance, value, and effectiveness of consistency in parental behavior. Most people are so focused on the child's behavior that they don't examine their own. The sound of that chair meant that Daddy was going to take action, so Sarah stopped herself. Now Momma wants to create that response to the word “stop”, so she'll be asking Sarah to stop just one time and then taking the actions described above, which are infinitely more gentle, nurturing, and effective than spanking, but must be done firmly and without reward, bribery, laughing, or any sort of game playing that would take the focus away from “guidance”. It's the parent's job to keep the child focused on the lesson at hand so that the moment of teaching doesn't slip away before the child learns what is acceptable and what isn't, what helps and what hurts. This will have to be performed over and over, until the child knows her limits, so patience, consistency, firmness, and lots of love should be on your daily menu of discipline!