Pat Your Backs

Parenting is the most rewarding thing, and often the most challenging thing, that adults can do in life. Parents who care about parenting, who approach it as the single most important task in life, who place it above earning money, above personal desires, and above all else, often worry if they're being “good” parents. If you find yourself doing this then you've already taken a step towards being a “good” parent. You're putting parenting first. Remind yourself that you are your child's first teacher. We had our daughter, Sarah, throw a typical 2 yr old tantrum the other day because she wanted to get into the stroller, but her 2 month old sister was in it. Sarah didn't want to walk and sat on the sidewalk, refusing to move, so I picked her up, took her back into the house, and Mama and little sister walked to the store alone. Sarah cried for about 20 minutes and pleaded to go, even saying things like “I listen now, Daddy, pleeease!” It broke my heart to have to “follow through” and not just walk her down to the store once she'd calmed down, but in the end I know that I would be doing her an injustice if I didn't follow through. I stuck it out, though, and she learned that we are serious about her having to listen to us when she has trouble controlling her own impulses. This may sound mean, but think about her running and not listening when we yell “STOP!” to prevent her from being hit by a car, or falling into a hole. If she learns to listen to her parents, then we can help prevent injury when she's not able to control her impulses. The trick was to let her know that I wasn't keeping her from going to the store to be mean, but because I love her and want to help her to learn to control herself so that other people can't and/or don't need to control her. She will learn to make decisions based on guidance from elders, the way people did for millions of years, before we lost touch with the older generations, and learn to discern wise elders from foolish ones. She will learn that her parents are here to help her grow into her own person, with her own thoughts, ideas, and abilities. If we're consistent, she'll learn that she can trust us to help her set safe boundaries and that those will change as she grows and changes. She'll trust that, if we can stand up to her tantrums, then we can stand up to those things that actually scare her in life. If you're doing this as a parent, then remember to pat yourself on the back once in a while. When Sarah was begging me to go, in her sweetest, sobbing voice, it was just another subconscious attempt at manipulating me. I didn't give in, even though it tugged at my heart strings and I wanted to give my beloved daughter what she wanted. I had to keep reminding myself that “This is strong parenting. This is positive guidance. I'm helping her to understand the consequences of her decisions.” When she calmed down, we hugged and talked about what to do next time and, as you probably know, she'll remember! They seem to remember everything! Remember this: when you do something that is difficult, but you know that it's the “right” thing to do with your child – give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself some positive feedback instead of feeling guilty for not giving your child what he/she wants. The guilt won't help anybody, but the self-praise will make you want to learn more about positive guidance and that will make it easier for everybody to grow and change together, as a family and as individuals.