BREAKING NEWS!

BREAKING NEWS! Two Year Olds Throw Tantrums! Hard to believe, I know, but it's true. Sarah, our lovely daughter, is in the midst of Toddler Tantrum Mania. She walked into the room where my wife and I were sitting with the baby and said "Now, you two be good in here, okay?" And pointed her finger at us. This seemed cute, but it was really an unconscious testing of her boundaries and what "power" she has over us. We don't say those words to her, so we're assuming that she got them from my wife's cousin, who does say that to the kids when they're playing. We don't use those words because they lead to what happened last night. The child "mirrors" the parent to see if they can get some of that control, but what they're really seeking is the self-control that adults have. If a toddler does this, then a parent can expect that the child will throw a major tantrum when she's tired, over anything, and Sarah did! She was furious when we asked her to clean up her toys, brush her teeth, and get ready for bed (something that we do EVERY night). I removed her from the living room, gently set her on her bed, and waited for her to calm down. When she wanted down I would ask her if she was ready to put her toys up. She said "NO!" several times and burst into tears. A parent must then wait for the child to calm down and, when he/she's calm, then explain that saying "No" leads to getting into "trouble" while cleaning up leads to more play time after clean up, toothbrushing, and pajamas. (We always have her get ready for bed about 1 hr before bed time in order to give her time to "wind down", usually with books). It took her twenty minutes to understand that following our "regular routine" would be easier, more fun, and more pleasant than sitting on the bed with Dad until she could "listen". Also, make sure to offer your help. "I can help you clean up when you're ready." I had to "offer" my help about 3 or 4 times and explain that she could play (as usual) or read books after getting ready for bed. She finally calmed down, as all children will do once they realize that the parent is going to remain consistent and caring, hugged me, we cleaned up, brushed teeth, got pajamas on, and read books. She fell asleep within the hour, listening to me read and cradled up against me. For all the challenges, the positive guidance and discipline paid off as my precious daughter curled up at my side and slipped into a comfortable, relaxing sleep. Remember that guidance and discipline are harder for the child than the adult. Stay calm while the child trows a tantrum and they will calm down MUCH faster. Love and help them when they do calm down. Reward them with attention when they listen. They're only little for so long so, above all, I hope that patience allows parents to step back, watch the tantrum, and know that it's just a behavior, teach the child to get their needs met in other ways, then play, play, play! It's no surprise that 2 yr olds throw tantrums, so don't let the news break you.

Non-Judgment Day

I had an interesting conversation with a very nice man the other day. He has six children and is helping a local church to reach out to parents in a local mall. They're teaching parenting classes. I tried to explain why we need not "judge" our children, but instead our focus should be on interpreting, understanding, and meeting their needs while teaching them to meet their own needs. At first he didn't agree, which is fine, because of the fear that children would then not learn the "moral" values that are important to him. The interesting thing about humans, however, across cultures and religions, is that we function on cooperation and thrive on social structure. (There will always be people who don't, or can't, but they're the exception and not the rule.) People love structure. Every religion in the world teaches kindness, empathy, love of family and God, Goddess, Spirit, etc in a structured and cooperative way. Every family wants to get along (though many do not because they don't have the tools to do so and may not seek them out). If we "judge" these people then how can we interpret their actions as they relate to their needs? If we refrain from saying "This is good, that's bad!" then we can say "What is this child trying to accomplish and/or learn and what would be the most effective way for me to teach him/her to get that?" See, it's easier to say "GOOD" or "BAD", but not effective in understanding the child's needs or teaching them to meet those needs. It's easier to influence children then to teach them to think, to cooperate, and to comprehend their own needs, and then to meet them; therefore many people make the simple mistake of using judgment and influence over comprehension and compassion. In order to comprehend our children, interpret their needs, and be compassionate, we must eliminate the fear that our children will not grow up with what humans have always had, with or without the institutions of education or religion, which is love for one another and a deep connection to the natural earth. We don't have to influence our children if we teach them to think, to care, and to act responsibly by acting in those ways ourselves; children will follow our lead if we prove ourselves worthy of leading - by example.

First Days - No Stress!

Our nearly 3 yr. old daughter, Sarah, had her first day in a 2 wk long summer school class on gardening yesterday. Over the last 6 mo., in order to prepare her, I've taken her to the school 3 times, introduced her to the teacher, walked around the classroom with her, let her observe the kids and ask questions, and talked to her about going to school. For the past 2 wks. we've been talking to her about leaving her at school, mentioning the teacher's name, explaining that Mommy will drop Sarah off and come back to get her after school. We would lay in bed at night and talk about school as she drifted off to sleep. When the time came to drop her off she suffered NO separation anxiety, had no fear of the school (since she was familiar with it) or the teachers, and moved right in like she'd been there all along! Taking the time to prepare her, to help her to understand what was coming and acquaint her with the environment, teachers, and the process completely eliminated the stress that most children feel on the first day of school and replaced it with curiosity and excitement, which relieved all of our parental fears, too!

Pay Attention

Children under 6 years of age have very short attention spans, right? The funny thing is that American adults have about 2 minute attention spans, yet they expect their children to focus and concentrate for long periods of time. If the parent can't sit down and do math for an hour, then how does he/she expect to model it for the child, or to help them learn to focus for such long periods of time on difficult subjects? Parents must learn to focus, to pay attention, and to teach their children such self control. If your toddler gets a puzzle out, sit on the floor with them, have them take each piece out - one at a time - and set them on the floor. Next, help them match up the shapes. The toddler will probably want to get up and run, change positions, and basically wiggle their way out of the "challenge" of putting the puzzle back together. The "challenge" is the important part and most parents give up rather than try to teach the toddler to focus, pay attention, and complete what he/she started. So, what would the parent be teaching if he/she consistently worked with the child to complete tasks? What do you do and what are you teaching yourself and your child(ren)?

Pat Your Backs

Parenting is the most rewarding thing, and often the most challenging thing, that adults can do in life. Parents who care about parenting, who approach it as the single most important task in life, who place it above earning money, above personal desires, and above all else, often worry if they're being “good” parents. If you find yourself doing this then you've already taken a step towards being a “good” parent. You're putting parenting first. Remind yourself that you are your child's first teacher. We had our daughter, Sarah, throw a typical 2 yr old tantrum the other day because she wanted to get into the stroller, but her 2 month old sister was in it. Sarah didn't want to walk and sat on the sidewalk, refusing to move, so I picked her up, took her back into the house, and Mama and little sister walked to the store alone. Sarah cried for about 20 minutes and pleaded to go, even saying things like “I listen now, Daddy, pleeease!” It broke my heart to have to “follow through” and not just walk her down to the store once she'd calmed down, but in the end I know that I would be doing her an injustice if I didn't follow through. I stuck it out, though, and she learned that we are serious about her having to listen to us when she has trouble controlling her own impulses. This may sound mean, but think about her running and not listening when we yell “STOP!” to prevent her from being hit by a car, or falling into a hole. If she learns to listen to her parents, then we can help prevent injury when she's not able to control her impulses. The trick was to let her know that I wasn't keeping her from going to the store to be mean, but because I love her and want to help her to learn to control herself so that other people can't and/or don't need to control her. She will learn to make decisions based on guidance from elders, the way people did for millions of years, before we lost touch with the older generations, and learn to discern wise elders from foolish ones. She will learn that her parents are here to help her grow into her own person, with her own thoughts, ideas, and abilities. If we're consistent, she'll learn that she can trust us to help her set safe boundaries and that those will change as she grows and changes. She'll trust that, if we can stand up to her tantrums, then we can stand up to those things that actually scare her in life. If you're doing this as a parent, then remember to pat yourself on the back once in a while. When Sarah was begging me to go, in her sweetest, sobbing voice, it was just another subconscious attempt at manipulating me. I didn't give in, even though it tugged at my heart strings and I wanted to give my beloved daughter what she wanted. I had to keep reminding myself that “This is strong parenting. This is positive guidance. I'm helping her to understand the consequences of her decisions.” When she calmed down, we hugged and talked about what to do next time and, as you probably know, she'll remember! They seem to remember everything! Remember this: when you do something that is difficult, but you know that it's the “right” thing to do with your child – give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself some positive feedback instead of feeling guilty for not giving your child what he/she wants. The guilt won't help anybody, but the self-praise will make you want to learn more about positive guidance and that will make it easier for everybody to grow and change together, as a family and as individuals.

Who Will Teach Your Child?

Remember that your children are their own people. A 20 yr old doesn't know as much as an 80 yr old and a 5 yr old doesn't know as much as his parent, but that doesn't stop anyone from being his/her own person. Remember that, as a parent, it's important to teach a child how to LEAVE the nest and fly on her own. It's important to help them separate, to help them learn what it takes to survive in the adult world, where they won't have the "cliques" that cocoon them in high school. Remember that a parent is a care provider, a disciplinarian, a friend, and a teacher. If the parent doesn't take all of these rolls on then the child will seek out adults who fill those rolls. Will they find adults to fill them to the parents' satisfaction? Will they find "safe" adults to fill those rolls? Don't be a "best friend" to your child, they'll find those on their own. Instead, focus on teaching and learning with your child, then setting them free to discover the rest of the world on his/her own. Remember, above all, the good times and focus on creating good times as they grow. Discipline should always be followed by love.