Many people perceive positive guidance as weak, wishy washy, mushy, and ineffective. Many people who use positive guidance techniques, just like many people who use tools of any kind, use them inappropriately. You can't use a sponge as a hammer and you can't use “caring” as positive guidance. The foundations of positive guidance and discipline are:
Practice self control.
Teach self control.
Consistency, consistency, consistency within a structured routine and environment.
Learn to “read” the child's behavior so that you may teach him/her effective ways of obtaining what he/she needs.
Teach and model effective communication skills.
More self control!
Compassion and active listening.
Remember that each child considers herself “herself” and not the possession or property of others, just as you consider yourself as “yourself” and not your parents' property. It's an innate quality of being human. Being “yourself”, do you feel the need for someone to control you, to manipulate you, or to scare you into doing their will, what they want, or their way of doing things? Or, would you rather have someone who shows you multiple ways of getting what you need – effective, often helpful ways – and then steps aside while you make your own choices then live with the consequences and/or rewards? Positive guidance requires a firm discipline, highly structured environment and routines, and the flexibility of bamboo. The effective teacher, parent, or caregiver will be able to teach the children methods of self control the way martial arts teachers do; yet also be able to meet the socio-emotional needs of each individual child through genuine conversation and active listening. One of the biggest barriers created by adults is that they don't listen to children.
I don't have the experience base or wisdom that my grandfather had when he was, say, 80, but does that mean that I should be ignored or that I don't know anything? A child may not have an adult's base, but that's what they're building and their “acting out” behaviors are simply ways of asking for help when they don't have the words to ask clearly (because they don't have the knowledge/experience base yet).
One mistake people often make is to think that fear and the “law and order” method works, but what works is the self control portion, not the fear portion of that flawed system. To those people I recommend the book “Savage Inequalities” by Jonathan Kozol as it shows the ineffectiveness of that system in detail and through interviews with real teens, parents, and teachers at failing schools across America. My question is, how do you use fear when you come across a fearless child?
I was a fearless child, and still am, in a sense. I was never afraid of teachers, parents, or police officers. I didn't fear other kids and, because of my small stature and lack of fear, I was often picked out by older boys as “one to fight”, and I won. I won, won, and won until I hated fighting. I hated the memories and, by the time I was 17 I wanted no more to do with fear and violence. I never even lost a fight and my own, fearless nature hated fighting. I realized that I was scared, but only of the inability to control myself because, subconsciously, I knew that a lack of self control led to drug abuse, prison, and possibly death. I'd seen it all too many times in my tough teenage years.
In young adulthood I decided that I had to do something about the “fearless” kids because they're the ones who are “shoved aside” to make the teacher's “record” look good. They're the ones that no school wants and yet, in my experience, they're also some of the most creative, intuitive, intelligent and strongest children I've ever known. As a parent, and educator, or a caregiver, do you want to crush that creativity, intelligence and strength, or build upon it? Do you want the leaders to lead or force them to follow, though it goes against their nature? Do you want those who are shy to stand in front of thousands and give speeches, even though it's against their nature? Do you do things against your own nature? If you're an outgoing adult, do you want to be silenced, suppressed and weakened? Positive guidance is not for those who can't follow through with consequences or stand aside and objectively observe behaviors. Remember the basics – Self Control and Communication – then imagine your life without them. Remember that fear is a weakness, so when a teacher uses fear based behavior management techniques, they're actually following their own weaknesses and displaying their own fears that the child will embarrass them, or hurt someone, or not show up as a “success” on the teacher's record. Compassion is a strength and, luckily, we all have the freedom to choose which way to live, when we're adults, anyway. Let's provide that freedom to children. They have the choice, too, they just don't know it yet. That's why we guide them. If you take away technology, toys, and every other human distraction, then what would we, as adults, do in life? What does every other living creature do? Raise children to thrive and survive. Challenging children are survivors and, like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and countless influential, yet unknown, community members, often don't do well in school, where that drive to thrive and survive is squashed through fear based behavior modification techniques. Will the children in your life thrive and survive, or fail in fear? Will you? Do you have the strength to confront your own fears of being embarrassed, of losing control, or of opening yourself up, emotionally, to others? Do you have enough self control to teach self control? Enough discipline to teach discipline? Most importantly, do you have the strength of a child to learn, care, and be creative and the self control of an adult to model self discipline and structure? Can you overcome your fears, or will they overwhelm you? Children need what you need. If you feel that you need someone to intimidate you then you will intimidate others. If you feel that you need others to care for you, guide you, and help you through the parts of life that you don't understand, then you will help others. As I've asked before, “Are you helping, or hurting?” It's that simple and yet so hard that some will read this and not even try to comprehend it, but they'll continue on down the slide of life, forgetting to have fun the whole way down!
No comments:
Post a Comment