Think About It!

When people think about communication, we often think only about the words that come out of our mouths, or the words that enter our ears. Do we ever think about the words that we think? Do we ever notice that we can't think and listen at the same time? Try it. Grab a friend and try to think about something while your friend explains a procedure, then attempt to complete the procedure. For example, while your friend explains how to cook a dish that you've never cooked, think about your favorite food and how to prepare it, then try to cook your friend's dish. After that, try it again, without thinking. Just listen to what your friend has to say. You'll notice an immense difference in the amount of information received when the thoughts are turned off and comprehension is turned on. Just as one can't cook the meal without a hot stove, one can't comprehend another without listening and, since one can't think and listen simultaneously, practicing “active listening” will increase the ability to understand loved ones, co-workers, and even strangers. Why is this important?

Communication is more than just what we say. Studies reveal that 90% off all communication is through body language, but the studies fail to outline the reality that all communication begins as thought; therefore, the way we think affects the way we communicate. How do you think about your children, your partner, your family and friends? How do you think about the overweight lady walking in front of you when you're in a hurry? How do you think about the child screaming in the mall and his mother or father? How do you think about other people and how would you like them to think about you?

Thinking about people with empathy, understanding our own ignorance about their personal situation, helps to create healthy communication. Our eyes don't show judgment, but compassion. Our bodies don't show fear, but courage. How we think affects how we act, speak, and understand one another. The next time you feel misunderstood, try changing the way you think about the person who is misunderstanding you. Try to understand them and then reach out by asking them if you're understanding them. Once they feel understood, they're more likely to try to understand you.

Parents must understand each other so that children can understand what the parents expect of them. When children have clear boundaries they feel more secure and able to explore. A sense of security and the ability to explore increases the rate at which a child can learn. In order to set clear boundaries, the parents must communicate well enough that they understand what is acceptable to both parents. In order to communicate clearly, the parents must think about each other with the love and compassion that drew them together in the first place.

Teaching Without Tools

I know a wonderful young woman who is excited and enthusiastic about entering college and pursuing the field of child development. What she doesn't know yet is that at least 70% of pre-school teachers “burn-out” in five years or less. Why? What makes people so excited and enthusiastic, and then so exhausted that they move on to other jobs or simply give up and become “burnt-out” teachers. We've all had burnt-out teachers who didn't care about us, didn't care about education, and just showed up for the paycheck. Those teachers can often be impatient, inattentive, unemotional and depressed. So, what happens between the fire of college and the five year burn-out?

If we start at the root, it would lie in, of course, education. I've been through the educational system and studied the field of education. We learned about teaching styles and methods, curriculum creation, learning styles, and other important, but not effective, information. The information is important because it helps us to understand where the educational system has failed and what needs improvement. The information is not effective because it's missing one critical, and very difficult, element – positive guidance and discipline. Knowing how to use a certain curriculum will do very little to help a child learn who comes to school hungry, has been abused the night before, or can't sit still because he's never been taught to control himself. New teachers often walk into classrooms with books in their heads, but no tools to work with children. So, what causes burn-out is trying to use a book as a wrench. Teachers have their books, but the children need somebody to help fine tune their mental carburetors and keep all of their systems running strong. Teachers aren't given the tools to work with children. It's like trying to be an automotive mechanic using manuals that diagram the engine in extreme detail and a tool box full of ideas. Ideas don't tighten loose nuts or replace malfunctioning parts. Ideas can't help teachers to help children. They need the tools.

In my particular case, I had to develop most of the tools that I use to help children to use their own tools. It took my years to develop a tool box full of effective tools and techniques. I should have been given the tools as part of my $100,000.00 education; all teachers should acquire these tools through the educational system that teaches education. Somehow, the professors have missed the fact that guidance and discipline are the frame of teaching, and curriculum is just the seat that we sit in as we drive down life's road, discuss issues and learn from one another. Without a solid frame, the vehicle of education can't go anywhere, so teachers and students end up sitting in a vehicle that won't move and discussing the numbers on the speedometer, how fast they'd get somewhere at so many miles per hour, if they could move, or how to read the words on the dashboard and in the owner's manual. It's not a matter of if the car breaks down, it's a matter of how to fix a car that's already stranded on the roadside, with a book, but little or no tools.

If a teacher, or parent, is effective, then the child will be able to fix socio-emotional problems without too much adult interaction by the teenage years. It's like having a kid that can fix her own car at sixteen because she's been shown how, experienced working on cars as a child, and has been given her own set of tools. Teachers need to have the tools to work with children and those tools would help the children to work on themselves. The question is, why isn't this problem, which I see as a cultural and societal crisis, as important to the mainstream media as, say Brangelina or Oprah's latest diet secrets?

If We Only Knew Then...

Today's blog goes out to childhood friends. It's a blog of fond memories that exists in each of our heads. It's a blog of fights and yard games, sleepovers and all nighters. Today's blog grew us up whether we wanted to or not. It's a reminder that our children are building the memories that they'll have as adults. It's a reminder that every time we get frustrated with our screaming two year old or thoughtless 15 year old, our reactions should be actions. Actions are purposeful. Reactions are thoughtless. Actions make lemonade out of lemons. Reactions spill the pitcher. Get it? Today's blog has all my friends playing in the mountains, the vineyards, the parks of our childhoods and all of the positive experiences we created together. Despite what may have been happening in some of our imperfect, or even horrible, home lives, we laughed on hillsides as the moon rose, shared french fries at lunch, and enjoyed even the most boring of times together simply because we were together. Thank you all, my friends! I pray that my children find friends as strong, simple, caring, hard working, creative, and crazy as all of you!!

Why Fear Fails

Many people perceive positive guidance as weak, wishy washy, mushy, and ineffective. Many people who use positive guidance techniques, just like many people who use tools of any kind, use them inappropriately. You can't use a sponge as a hammer and you can't use “caring” as positive guidance. The foundations of positive guidance and discipline are:

1. Practice self control.

2. Teach self control.

3. Consistency, consistency, consistency within a structured routine and environment.

4. Learn to “read” the child's behavior so that you may teach him/her effective ways of obtaining what he/she needs.

5. Teach and model effective communication skills.

6. More self control!

7. Compassion and active listening.

Remember that each child considers herself “herself” and not the possession or property of others, just as you consider yourself as “yourself” and not your parents' property. It's an innate quality of being human. Being “yourself”, do you feel the need for someone to control you, to manipulate you, or to scare you into doing their will, what they want, or their way of doing things? Or, would you rather have someone who shows you multiple ways of getting what you need – effective, often helpful ways – and then steps aside while you make your own choices then live with the consequences and/or rewards? Positive guidance requires a firm discipline, highly structured environment and routines, and the flexibility of bamboo. The effective teacher, parent, or caregiver will be able to teach the children methods of self control the way martial arts teachers do; yet also be able to meet the socio-emotional needs of each individual child through genuine conversation and active listening. One of the biggest barriers created by adults is that they don't listen to children.

I don't have the experience base or wisdom that my grandfather had when he was, say, 80, but does that mean that I should be ignored or that I don't know anything? A child may not have an adult's base, but that's what they're building and their “acting out” behaviors are simply ways of asking for help when they don't have the words to ask clearly (because they don't have the knowledge/experience base yet).

One mistake people often make is to think that fear and the “law and order” method works, but what works is the self control portion, not the fear portion of that flawed system. To those people I recommend the book “Savage Inequalities” by Jonathan Kozol as it shows the ineffectiveness of that system in detail and through interviews with real teens, parents, and teachers at failing schools across America. My question is, how do you use fear when you come across a fearless child?

I was a fearless child, and still am, in a sense. I was never afraid of teachers, parents, or police officers. I didn't fear other kids and, because of my small stature and lack of fear, I was often picked out by older boys as “one to fight”, and I won. I won, won, and won until I hated fighting. I hated the memories and, by the time I was 17 I wanted no more to do with fear and violence. I never even lost a fight and my own, fearless nature hated fighting. I realized that I was scared, but only of the inability to control myself because, subconsciously, I knew that a lack of self control led to drug abuse, prison, and possibly death. I'd seen it all too many times in my tough teenage years.

In young adulthood I decided that I had to do something about the “fearless” kids because they're the ones who are “shoved aside” to make the teacher's “record” look good. They're the ones that no school wants and yet, in my experience, they're also some of the most creative, intuitive, intelligent and strongest children I've ever known. As a parent, and educator, or a caregiver, do you want to crush that creativity, intelligence and strength, or build upon it? Do you want the leaders to lead or force them to follow, though it goes against their nature? Do you want those who are shy to stand in front of thousands and give speeches, even though it's against their nature? Do you do things against your own nature? If you're an outgoing adult, do you want to be silenced, suppressed and weakened? Positive guidance is not for those who can't follow through with consequences or stand aside and objectively observe behaviors. Remember the basics – Self Control and Communication – then imagine your life without them. Remember that fear is a weakness, so when a teacher uses fear based behavior management techniques, they're actually following their own weaknesses and displaying their own fears that the child will embarrass them, or hurt someone, or not show up as a “success” on the teacher's record. Compassion is a strength and, luckily, we all have the freedom to choose which way to live, when we're adults, anyway. Let's provide that freedom to children. They have the choice, too, they just don't know it yet. That's why we guide them. If you take away technology, toys, and every other human distraction, then what would we, as adults, do in life? What does every other living creature do? Raise children to thrive and survive. Challenging children are survivors and, like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and countless influential, yet unknown, community members, often don't do well in school, where that drive to thrive and survive is squashed through fear based behavior modification techniques. Will the children in your life thrive and survive, or fail in fear? Will you? Do you have the strength to confront your own fears of being embarrassed, of losing control, or of opening yourself up, emotionally, to others? Do you have enough self control to teach self control? Enough discipline to teach discipline? Most importantly, do you have the strength of a child to learn, care, and be creative and the self control of an adult to model self discipline and structure? Can you overcome your fears, or will they overwhelm you? Children need what you need. If you feel that you need someone to intimidate you then you will intimidate others. If you feel that you need others to care for you, guide you, and help you through the parts of life that you don't understand, then you will help others. As I've asked before, “Are you helping, or hurting?” It's that simple and yet so hard that some will read this and not even try to comprehend it, but they'll continue on down the slide of life, forgetting to have fun the whole way down!

Consulting can Help

First, let me remind readers that I write these blogs on whims, or at the request of individual readers. I don't edit them, ponder over them, or "develop" them in any way. They're always "off the cuff" and may need more clarification. Feel free to contact me and ask for better explanations.

Yesterday I ran into an old co-worker whose smile and positive attitude reminded me that there are some amazing people out there who, against all odds, deal with millions of pounds of unnecessary stress in order to remain dedicated to the children of our communities. She also reminded me that people, parents, teachers, and caregivers often need help and don't necessarily want the “invasive” government programs to invade their lives. She suggested that I tell others that I am available to consult with families, schools, or whoever feels overwhelmed with the responsibilities of child rearing and/or teaching. Just like a chef knows that she can cook, I've done this long enough to know that I can help to create Individualized Education Plans with your child's teacher, behavior modification plans, organize environments to help children be successful and much, much more! It's just a matter of inviting someone in and asking for help. I can be reached through my e-mail address at the top of the blog, if anybody would like help with a certain child, a group of children, or just to understand why kids do what they do. I'm here to help and, remember, nobody's expected to be perfect as we all go “Down the Slide” in our own ways!

Reading Children

We all believe that children must know how to read, and they put a lot of effort into learning that skill, but do we parents put the same effort into learning to read our children? I had to work six days this past week at my job and then, on my one day off, I went to help a friend work on his property. I would normally spend at least one of my days off with my daughter, Sarah. The result of my overworking has been that, when I come home from work, Sarah is glued to my hip, “Daddy, sit with me. Daddy, play over here. Daddy, eat with me.” The first night I just wanted to rest, but as I watched my daughter “break down” over nothing in particular, I realized that she was trying to say “I miss you, Dad, and want to spend some time with you.” Which can also translate as, “I love you, Daddy.” The rest of this week I've spent on the floor playing with balls and dolls and reading books. I'm so lucky to be loved. Now that I've “read” into my daughter's actions, she hasn't been “breaking down” over petty things the last few days and my next step will be to work with her mom and coordinate the teaching of communication skills. We're teaching her to understand that she misses Mommy or Daddy and to say “I miss you. I want to play with you, please.” We're also teaching her that we may have to say “No” or “Later”, depending on if we're cooking dinner or caring for her baby sister, etc. In such situations she may choose to “throw a fit”, but we keep in mind that Sarah is simply trying to test how much “power” she has over our decisions, our actions, and our lives. She's learning that the only thing she can control is herself and that we love her regardless of whether or not she “throws a fit” or says “Okay, Mommy.” She's learning that we will play with her, but only when our responsibilities are taken care of. She's learning, through observation, to be responsible. She cares for her dolls with gentle, loving hands and kisses them on the foreheads. She diapers them and makes sure that they're fed everyday. We're all learning to read each other like great novels that write themselves as they're read. There's no way to read the ending first because it doesn't exist; therefore we live each moment in each other's eyes, reading the needs and meeting them with honest work, attention to detail, and compassion.