Yes and No

When you make a mistake at work do you want to be forgiven, taught how to do accomplish the task, or told "No!" and punished for it?  "No, Jenny, that's not how you do it.  Go home today, you wont' be paid for tomorrow, either, because you didn't know how to write out that report!"  What effect would that have on your future relationship with your boss, your future work performance, and your desire to return to work?  What effect would compassion and understanding have, instead? Think about that when your children make mistakes.  Often, when they say "No" to a parent it is simply a mistake because they don't know their boundaries, their limits, and are really asking the parent to help them to learn those things.  More importantly, many things that parents say "No" to have a "Yes".  For example, a 12 yr old girl wants to go to the mall, but it's almost dinner time, mom has a million things to do, the girl has school the next day, etc.  The parent can say "No", or the parent can say "Yes, you can go to the mall on Friday, but today we need to eat dinner and get a good night's sleep."  It seems trite, but creates a ripple effect within the child's consciousness.  The child is not "smacked" in the face with a "NO!" but is, instead, given hope and a sense that her needs will be met.  She needs to socialize, to explore the adult world with her friends in a relatively safe place, and she needs to learn when it's going to be effective and helpful for her to go.  As parents we can often say "yes", but simply use "no" out of habit.  "Yes, you can have a cookie, tomorrow after school.  Right now we can read a book or... I can tickle you into your pajamas!"  Our words will have an effect on their development.  Let's catch them doing things right, use "Yes" whenever we can, tell them what "to do" rather than what "not to do" - "Bobby, put the bat down and take a bath, please." rather than "Bobby, stop hitting the chair and get your butt into the tub before I..."  You get it.  "Yes" feels better than "No" and is just as true, gives us hope, and creates less battles while providing more guidance, more options and, therefore, more choice.  Don't confuse this with saying "Yes" to everything the child wants, it's specifically a way to avoid saying "No" and creating conflict.  It's specifically used to help the child understand her boundaries.  It's specifically used to stay focused on the positive.  I hope it's used more often in each home that these words reach into, and each heart that understands the power of compassion.