Fall, Beautiful Fall!

The trees are changing color, the sky clouding up and the temperature is fluctuating.  Fall has risen and it's a perfect time to discuss seasons with your kids.  Collect beautiful leaves, make things with them, draw them with your kids, welcome the abundant harvests, go to a local Farmer's Market and talk to your kids about the hard work that goes into producing food.  Ask the farmer's to explain what they have to do to get food from the earth to the market.  Make pumpkin, zuchinni, and other "breads".  Let them "stir" the batters, pour them, and eat them!  The melons are ripe and delicious ritht now, acorn squash can be almost as sweet and soft, and tree-ripened apples are just around the corner.  It's also a good time to talk about the importance of corn, cultivated by the Native Americans, in our world and give thanks to the Native cultures for sharing it with us.  That gift saved many lives and continues to be an important part of our world.  Let your kids know about the many contributions of Native cultures like corn, archery, basketry, pottery, games, and respect for the land and all of the critters who live amongst us, among other things.  Take the next few weeks to enjoy feeling the "chill" in the morning air, to watch the world transisition into winter and teach your children how important the seasonal changes are, the harvest is, and the pleasures of being alive!

Mistakes We all Make

One of the most difficult things to do, as a parent, care provider, or teacher, is admit to a child that you've made a mistake.  Most people hide their mistakes from their children, which is, ironically, a mistake.  Much of what children do "wrong" in the eyes of a parent are simply "mistakes" through the eyes of the child.  It's important to recognize that teaching will have more of an impact than punishing in situations where a child "mistakenly" pours milk onto her plate because she wants to see what will happen and isn't yet aware of what "wasting food" is or what a "mess" it will make.  She's simply curious.  Our response should be not to "yell over spilled milk."  Instead, explain the natural consequences.  "Now you're food is ruined.  How will you drink your milk if it's on your plate?  The milk needs to stay in your cup, honey."  Get it?  Now, when a parent makes a mistake, such as yelling over the spilled milk, then later realizes the mistake, the parent must be brave enough to apologize.  We expect it from our children when they mess up, don't we?  A parent needs to learn to say "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't need to yell at you for that.  I wanted you to be able to eat your dinner and we don't like to waste food, so I got upset.  I'll try to remember next time to choose my words better, okay?"  Parents who do this with their children give their children the gift of reality.  Children can then see their parents as normal, imperfect people and will, therefore, be willing to admit their own mistakes more readily, accept the mistakes of their parents and forgive themselves and others.  It sets up a cycle of acceptance, forgiveness, sharing, and learning from our mistakes.  What more could a child want from those who love her?

For the Love of Reading...

A new and exciting job awaits me next week.  Beginning Monday Oct. 12th I'll be an Even Start Director.  Even Start is a family literacy program.  We help people to get their G.E.D.'s, basic adult education, and spend time reading alone and to their kids.  So, today, I want to encourage everybody to read more.  Read your children to sleep at least 5 nights per week.  15 - 30 minutes of reading each day will greatly increase the number of neurons that your child's brain grows, give them problem solving and social skills and teach them that books are fun and important.  Take a moment to think about all of the books, manuals, etc. that people use everyday, everywhere.  Cookbooks, textbooks, instruction manuals, pamphlets, and flyers.  Every movie, T.V. show, or play is first written.  Writing is as critical as speaking.  Imagine a world with no words, then be thankful that you can read this.  Some people can't.  You can read to children from womb to whenever they get tired of it!  They can read to you at some point.  What books would you like to share with your children?

The Art of Childhood

Today I want to talk about art, but first I'd like to thank all of you who read my blog.  We all want to be heard and I get that support from you, so THANK YOU!  Hopefully, you hear your children - especially what they don't have the words to say.  Today, however, I'm wondering if anybody ever scrolls down to look at the bottom of the blog.  I have an "astronomy pic of the day" and fine art images by Miro, Dali, and Picasso to, hopefully, inspire people to keep art alive and to share it with their kids.  Where would the world be without art?  It's the language of the heart.  We painted on rocks before we built houses.  We wrote novels and poems before we wrote scientific volumes.  Art is part of our human heritage, across cultures and throughout time.  I came home the other night to find my daughter Sarah, who will be 3 in November, painting with watercolors at the table.  "Wanna come paint with me, Daddy?"  She said.  I could hear the excitement and sense the euphoric feeling of painting that she wanted to share with me.  How could I resist?  I sat down and, rather than painting like an adult, I copied her style of painting.  This painting happened to be composed of long, straight lines of different colors running vertically up and down the page.  We sat and painted, which also led to communication skills being developed.  "What color next, Daddy?"  "I don't know, honey.  Which color do you want?"  "Um, green!"  Then she'd dip her brush and I could see her trying to decide where to place the line, where to put the color.  Her mind was seeking balance in the image, a sense of placement, space, and color coordination.  We talked and painted.  I learned more about my daughter and she learned more about painting, color arrangement and composition.  Remember to paint, color, sculpt, etc. in the way that the child does.  The simple gesture of taking a few minutes to do art with your child, and mirror her skill level, shows her that what she does is important to you.  You can introduce one new concept each time, but be careful not to "outdo" your child.  As I sat and painted with my daughter I thought to myself, "This is what it's all about."  What do you think?

Time Will Tell, but Will We Hear?

This post is going to be short because too many words, or even too many thoughts, will get in the way of accomplishing this one, so read closely and then please, please, please ACT on it!  Here it is:
We're lucky to be alive today, regardless of our present health.  We're lucky to have our children with us, regardless of their abilities or "levels" of development.  Enjoy EVERY minute, frustrating or not, with your children because it will, one day, be stripped from you.  If not by the worst possible scenarios than by the natural process of aging, growing, and moving on.  Love them now.  Get down on the floor and play.  Build a fort.  Make some mudpies, no matter how tired you are, because we only have so many minutes to make mudpies! Then, enjoy cleaning it up because you're cleaning with someone whom you love in a way that only a parent can understand.  Enjoy EVERY minute with your kids as if it was the last, even if it's not, because at the very least it'll create wonderful memories to look back on when they grow up and move on and you're in a rocking chair with gray hair.  NOW IS THE ONLY TIME THAT WE HAVE TO ENJOY OUR CHILDREN AS CHILDREN!  They will, hopefully, become adults and we'll all grow old and miss their mischief, so include yourself in it!  That's it. HAVE FUN!!!!!

Bribery vs. Honesty

Desperate times require desperate measures, right?  When a parent needs their child to stop peeing on the floor and make it to the toilet because dinner's on the stove, the baby is crying, and a news flash is pulling her toward the T.V. then something has to give.  So, most parents "give" the toddler some kind of "reward" for making it to the potty.  It's very popular, even among many teachers, to use what we call "extrinsic motivators" to get kids to do something, like pee in the toilet.  "Extrinsic" means "outside of one's self".  When a parent uses "extrinsic motivators" it creates an expectation that the parent "owes" the child something.  If the parent doesn't have something to "reward" the child with, say, on a trip to the store, then the child can, and will, throw a fit, pee on the floor on purpose, etc.  The child will expect to be "rewarded" for doing things that the child should do naturally, such as normal bodily functions.  The child will also develop an unhealthy sense of "entitlement" - which means that, when they're older, they'll feel that they're "entitled" to things like expensive clothes, fancy tech toys, nice cars, etc. rather than feeling like they need to "earn" such things.  The goal is for children to be motivated "intrinsically", or from the "inside".  Rather than using a candy to "reward" the child for peeing in the toilet, use "natural consequences" and "specific praise" as "intrinsic motivators" for the child.  If a child pees on the floor, hand her a towel, say "If you pee in the toilet you can keep playing, but you peed on the floor so you have to stop playing and clean it up.  Do you want me to help you?"  Then, have her clean it up (no matter how imperfectly).  If she pees in the toilet, simply say "You did it!  You peed in the toilet and so now you can play instead of having to clean it up off the floor."  A child doesn't need our judgment - "Good job" or "Bad girl".  They need to hear EXACTLY what they did correctly.  Note the difference between the simple statement of "You peed in the toilet." and "Good job."  The first one tells the child what he did correctly, the second simply "judges" what he did without any indication of what the parent has noticed.  These simple tricks work extremely well.  Simply remember the following:
1.  Avoid "extrinsic motivators" because they lead to feelings of "entitlement" and the need for "rewards".
2.  Tell children what "to do" so that they know what to do!  (They usually already know what "not to do".)
3.  Use "specific praise" to describe what you see when the child does something well, or correctly.  "You picked up all of your books.  That helps to keep the house clean.  Thanks, Francine!"
4.  Do all of the above CONSISTENTLY and, I promise, it will work.
5.  If your child has special needs, then contact me at ajs@talespinnerpublications.com and I can go into more detail about techniques to use to help your specific child and his/her specific needs.
6.  Have fun whenever you can!  Accidental spills can be fun to clean if you're laughing!  Putting toys away can be fun if you're testing how fast your hands are!  Silliness is born into us and stressed out of us, so relax and silly yourself up a little.  Your kids will love you for it!

Candy Cries! Tantrums in Stores.

"I want that, Mommy!"  The little girl drops on the floor and screams.  "No, Daddy!  I want the candy!"  A young boy smacks his father on the leg while stopping to pay for gas.  What is a parent to do? 
If the child is still an infant, the process of learning to wait can be implemented easier than if the child is 2.5 or 3 yrs. old.  And, it's not just about learning to wait (which is called "delayed gratification"), it's also about respect, listening, understanding, and an internal sense of security.  It sounds like a lot, but we can do all that, as parents, through a few easy steps. 
1.  If you have to hurry to the store and back, leave the toddler at home because he will need to explore and interact with the environment.
2.  Prepare the child ahead of time.  "We're going to the store to buy milk.  We don't need anything else, but you can look at the toys if you can put them back when it's time to go."  Always wait for a response from the child and repeat the directions until the child responds "in kind" to the rules that you've set.
3.  Make sure to make time to take your toddler to the store, let her explore, play gently and carefully with the items in the store, and then return them to their places on the shelves.  Ex:  "Mommy, I want that teddy bear!"  "Okay, honey, I'll get it down for you, you can play with it for a minute, and then we have to put it away, okay?"  The child doesn't answer.  "Okay?"  The mother insists upon a response that shows understanding.  "Okay."  The little girl knows that she's expected to return the item.  "Look, Mommy, it has brown eyes."  "I see that."  The mom interacts with her daughter for a minute or two, then reminds her that they have to put it away.  "Do you want me to lift you up so you can put it away by yourself?"  "Yes, Mommy."  Take the time to play.  Let them explore and they'll let you set the guidelines, time lines and rules for that exploration.
4.  Avoid rewarding the child for "good" behavior by buying a toy at the end.  It's more effective to buy toys "at random".  If the child throws a tantrum in the store, simply pick her up, carry her outside the store, let her calm down, then ask if she's ready to listen, go back into the store and give her a chance to "do it over".  Give her a chance to succeed.  If the child does exactly what you ask the first time, just let it slide.  She succeeded.  A simple acknowledgment, such as "You put all the toys away after you played with them." does not judge or "over praise" the child, but provides "specific praise".  Specific praise lets the child know that the parent notices their growth, their strengths, and their accomplishments without being judgmental.  
5.  Have fun!  Kids love to have fun and actually feel more secure when we set the limits for them to have fun within.  When he's acting within the acceptable limits - meaning nothing and nobody's getting hurt - then go ahead and laugh, be silly, enjoy the precious time with your child.  It'll build happy memories for you and your child, and you can't buy those in any store!

Where We Live - Environmental Guidance

Imagine a world of giant chairs, high shelves, and tall people who could pick you up and move you like a sack of potatoes.  That's the world of a toddler, pre-schooler, kindergartner and even early elemtary school age child.  Now, imagine that you have no say, no control, and nothing in that world designed, set up, or created for you, your needs, your size, or your desires.  How would you feel?  Young children often feel frustrated by having to live in rooms created by, and for, adults.  Look around the living room on your knees and wonder what they see.  Are there bookshelves two feet off the ground with books that the child can access?  Are there toy drawers, or a toy box, in the "common" area of the house, like a living or family room?  Is the furniture arranged in a way that prevents a child from, say, running full speed from the kitchen, down the hall, and straight out the door that was accidentally left open?  One way to guide children without words is to arrange the environment to guide them.  Put a chair or table in the middle of a "runway" to prevent the child from running through the house.  Low shelves can provide access to their own items.  Around 3 yrs of age, depending on the child's personal developmental levels, a bottom shelf of the refrigerator can be filled with small containers containing snacks that the child can access without the help of an adult.  Cut up carrots, celery, red and yellow bellpeppers, grapes, apples, and other things can be easily grabbed and eaten up by the child and we parents don't have to lift a finger, stop what we're doing, or get out the cutting board to satisfy our "baby".  Provide places for toys in common areas because children will develop faster when they feel included and when adults interact with them on their level - which is usually the floor.  What does your house look like to a child?

Needs vs. Wants

Every parent, at some point, thinks about what their child(ren) need(s) most.  In today's over-stimulating world it can be easy to forget what children actually need.  They (we) need clean air, clean water, fresh food, love, guidance, and time and space to play and explore.  Everything else, from T.V. to cell phones, is simply "extra" and not necessary to the health of children.  Money is not an issue, so focus on time, because you can't buy time with your children.  Money is not an issue, so focus on experience, because you can't buy the lessons that come from having fun, educational experiences with children.  Children can learn more from a trip into the woods, watching bugs and birds and playing with sticks, than a day at the museum or mall.  Children learn from their parents.  Parents who eat vegetables have children who eat vegetables.  Parents who love to learn have children who love to learn.  These are, of course, generalizations, but they hold true for most people.  What children need is parents, caregivers, and the planet to be healthy.  Remember that the next time your child "needs" a new toy or the newest technological gadget.  Take them camping and leave the "electronics" at home.  You'll have everything you need, they'll have everything that they need and, maybe, learn the difference between "need" and "want".  "Needs" satisfy and support us while "wants" lead to suffering for more and more and more.  What do you and your children really need?

Target Practice! (Potty Training Boys)

Potty training boys can seem more like training an Army sniper with a bad aim, a bad attitude and a brain disorder.  You've gotta get him to hit the target, whether he wants to or not, and stay focused long enough to finish the job.  Children can, generally, begin to be potty trained between 16 and 24 months.  Any earlier and they simply don't have the muscles, or neurons, to do it.  First, let's try to understand him.  The muscles that work best in him are the BIG muscles, those that throw, jump, push, pull, etc.  The "small" muscles, like those that control the fingers, the eyelids, lips, and the bladder, develop faster in females, so expect to work a little longer with your boy than one would with a girl.  His brain has not yet developed the area that controls emotion (he's working on it, though), so expect him to revert to "baby crying" as a form of communication when he gets confused or doesn't want to comply.  It's just a natural reaction when one has only a few hundred words in their vocabulary.  Just ast the brain is developing the area that controls emotions and comprehends words, logic, etc., his body is still growing the muscles that control bodily fluids.  Now, knowing that his "small" muscles are hard for him to control, the important things are to remember that when he pees on the kitchen floor, or almost makes it to the bathroom, but not quite, and avoid "punishing" him for the accidents and yelling or cleaning it up for him.  Instead, when he has an accident, tell him that it's a mess (not "he" made a mess, but "There's a mess now, and it needs to be cleaned up), explain to him that he has a toilet to use, have him help clean it up as if it was simply some water that accidentally spilled and then he can wash his hands (and kids usually love "playing" in the water, so hand washing is fun and easy) and, if possible, have him flush whatever he used to clean it up down the toilet (so, the parent can use a towel to "help" him clean up, and he can use some toilet paper).  If he has to help clean it up, then he will begin to connect that it's a mess, like any other that he sees you clean up, and will (subconsciously) try to avoid making the mess.  If he doesn't have to help clean it up then he won't understand why peeing on the floor is a problem.  Next, ask him every 30 - 60 minutes if he has to use the bathroom.  Often, they simply forget and/or can't "feel" that they need to go.  Asking him if he has to use it will get him to "feel" his insides, his bladder, and get a sense for when it is full.  When he says that he has to go, GO!  Don't put him off, tell him to wait, etc.  Drop everything and go with him.  That's what you want, right, for him to tell you when he has to go?  But, he needs the parent or caregiver to help him.  It's all new to him, so he needs guidance.  Listen to him, help him.  When he does go in the toilet, then avoid giving him treats, or being cheesy like "Oh, you're such a good little boy!  Great job, buddy!"  Children can sense the "overdone" aspect of such comments and they carry very little meaning.  He's looking for your guidance, not your judgement.  Instead, use specific praise about what he did well.  "You peed in the toilet." is usually enough, but you can also say things like "You held it in all the way from the car into the bathroom." or "You are learning to use the potty!"  Get it?  SPECIFIC praise has meaning, tells him what he did, EXACTLY, that you're so happy about.  It gives him a sense of accomplishment and lets him know what he did "right".  Expect to do that for about 3 wks, even 4 for some boys.  Be patient and Consistent!  Do you respond better/listen better to people who are patient with you or people who are curt and punish you for your mistakes when you're learning something new?  Don't confuse patience with being slack, though.  Firm, consistent, strong willed discipline helps children the most, especially boys.  Patience means waiting out his tantrum and then firmly, consistently, going back to the task at hand until he can accomplish it, even if it's with the parent or caregiver's help.  Keep your focus so that he will learn to keep his.  Don't let him out of it, don't let his words distract you.  Bring him back to it, "Ready to clean up the mess, Hunter?" over and over again until he's ready.  In the end it'll teach him that you're trustworthy because you're consistent and that you're strong because you're firm and focused, which will, ultimately, make him feel safer and more secure in the world.  Another thing to do is to do stuff with him that uses his "fine motor skills", such as drawing with small pens and getting him to practice "holding" them correctly, making small circles with them (don't use those "jumbo" markers - it'd be like an adult writing with a broomstick).  Have him pour things from one container to another, slowly and carefully.  You can start with pouring "dry" things, like rice, since it's easier to clean up (keep a tiny broom and dust pan for him to "help" you clean up the spills).  Have him use large, pre-school type tweezers to move things, like large wooden beads, from one bowl to another.  Have him try to pick things up with his toes.  All of these activities that use "small" muscles will help his brain to develop the neurons to control the small muscles.  If, after that, he's still not going in the potty, the parent may need to use some more "assertive" techniques, but those are only to be used when reminders and specific praise don't work over a 3-4 wk period.  The boy may have a few accidents after that, but he should be able to use the toilet 99% of the time.  So, let's review:

1. Ask him every 30 - 60 minutes if he needs to use the bathroom.
2. If he has an accident, avoid "punishment" and have him help to clean it up, then wash hands.
3. #2 is not an "option" for him, he has to help to clean it up, even if he cries, whines, moans, or throws a fit.  Leave "it" until his fit is done, then ask him if he'd like you to help him to clean it up.  Don't give up on this one, it shows him that he's responsible, that it's easier to pee in the toilet, and that you care enough about his development to NEVER give up on him, regardless of the fits that he throws. 
4. Use "specific" praise to let him know what he did "right" so that he may repeat those actions.
5. Create and involve him in activities that use the "small" muscles.
   
6. Be patient and consistent.  Let me repeat that - Be patient and Consistent!  
7. Contact me if anything is unclear or needs more explanation - I don't edit these posts and I've gotta get ready for work!  Hope this helps.
   

Yes and No

When you make a mistake at work do you want to be forgiven, taught how to do accomplish the task, or told "No!" and punished for it?  "No, Jenny, that's not how you do it.  Go home today, you wont' be paid for tomorrow, either, because you didn't know how to write out that report!"  What effect would that have on your future relationship with your boss, your future work performance, and your desire to return to work?  What effect would compassion and understanding have, instead? Think about that when your children make mistakes.  Often, when they say "No" to a parent it is simply a mistake because they don't know their boundaries, their limits, and are really asking the parent to help them to learn those things.  More importantly, many things that parents say "No" to have a "Yes".  For example, a 12 yr old girl wants to go to the mall, but it's almost dinner time, mom has a million things to do, the girl has school the next day, etc.  The parent can say "No", or the parent can say "Yes, you can go to the mall on Friday, but today we need to eat dinner and get a good night's sleep."  It seems trite, but creates a ripple effect within the child's consciousness.  The child is not "smacked" in the face with a "NO!" but is, instead, given hope and a sense that her needs will be met.  She needs to socialize, to explore the adult world with her friends in a relatively safe place, and she needs to learn when it's going to be effective and helpful for her to go.  As parents we can often say "yes", but simply use "no" out of habit.  "Yes, you can have a cookie, tomorrow after school.  Right now we can read a book or... I can tickle you into your pajamas!"  Our words will have an effect on their development.  Let's catch them doing things right, use "Yes" whenever we can, tell them what "to do" rather than what "not to do" - "Bobby, put the bat down and take a bath, please." rather than "Bobby, stop hitting the chair and get your butt into the tub before I..."  You get it.  "Yes" feels better than "No" and is just as true, gives us hope, and creates less battles while providing more guidance, more options and, therefore, more choice.  Don't confuse this with saying "Yes" to everything the child wants, it's specifically a way to avoid saying "No" and creating conflict.  It's specifically used to help the child understand her boundaries.  It's specifically used to stay focused on the positive.  I hope it's used more often in each home that these words reach into, and each heart that understands the power of compassion.

Passing Time

This morning I seem to have that "time passes too quickly" feeling.  I wish that I could slow it down, spend the entire day playing, guiding, and giggling with the kids who call me "Daddy".  I'm so lucky to be with them, to learn with them, to share the fleeting moments of my fragile life with them.  Do any other parents feel this way?  I leave for work and feel a cord, my unseen umbilical, pulling me back to my daughters, my wife, and my home.  I return from work and feel the cord go slack, my muscles relax, and my giggle bone kicks in.  Sarah has been "hiding" from me when I come home lately, so that I will go and search for her, of course.  It adds an immediate touch of laughter to my long day and makes me feel so loved, so wanted and needed that I can only thank her by picking her up and tickling her to tears!  Last night we went so far as to build a fort in the living room, excuse me, a "tent" is what she called it.  "Not a fort, Dad.  It's my tent."  Okay, so we built a tent.  Have you built a blanket tent as an adult?  It's just as fun as, only less comfortable then, when you were 3, or 4, or 5.  It still has that "womb-like" sensation of being in a small, warm, dark and safe place.  It still brings imagination to the forefront and puts worry, fear, anxiety, sadness, and everything else on the back burner.  Maybe tonight we'll cook some green beans and carrots on her "stove", visit with Smokey the Bear in our imaginary forest, catch and release some ethereal fish and then settle in with some books before bed.  I guess that time doesn't need to slow down, I just need to savor the moments that we spend together.

The Tone of Tantrums

"No, Mommy! I don't wanna walk! I wanna ride in the stroller!" Sarah insisted one day when her little sister needed the stroller for a family walk. After that she screamed, pouted, and even fall onto the sidewalk and refused to get up. That was okay. Parents often base their own images on the behavior of their children, but children are people, not mirrors. They have their own moods, their own desires, and their own needs. If Sarah wants to throw a fit, then we let her throw a fit. This behavior is temporary, is about her understanding of how much control she has over us and over herself, and is fading quickly. I just picked her up off the sidewalk, carried her up to her bed and sat with her until she calmed down. Once a child is calm, then a parent can speak with her. "Are you ready to go for a walk, now?" I asked. "Yeah." She sniffed. "Okay, let's go! Let's get those strong legs movin'!" I used a tone of excitement. My mood drove her mood, once she broke out of the control issue, and I excited her by being excited myself. I was excited that she stopped pouting, excited to go on a walk with the family, and excited about how strong she's getting. Emotions show through the parent's voice, so understand that your children are sensing your mood through your tone, your words, and your actions. It's not all about their tantrum and how that reflects on the parent. Understand that their behaviors are not an embarrassment to the parent, but a step towards learning self control. Their tantrums need not be your tantrums. The tone of the tantrum will be set by the parental reactions. Your calm will become their calm. You're patience will help them, your empathy will pull them out of themselves and towards you. Rather than try to "change" them, stand apart from their emotions and simply be there for them when they calm down. Let them grow into their own identities. We are all interdependent, but each as our own "selves". Enjoy the tantrums, you may one day miss the little buggers :-)

Sleep? What's that?

Sarah, our two yr old, rarely naps and can run on "turbo" from 7 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. without stopping for gas. She woke me up at 2:30 this morning, wanting a drink of water, and I haven't been asleep since, but she's sound asleep now. I've always had the same ability to sleep little and work (or play) hard. We're even seeing signs of it in our 4 month old, Frances, who takes two or three fifteen or twenty minute naps a day. It's go, go, go for my poor wife and, although she may not see it, I feel for her! I know that she's a normal sleeper who needs 8.5 hrs a night but only gets 3 or 4 hrs of sleep at a time. She, somehow, manages to keep her sanity (although her patience often wears thin by the day's end, as does everybody's). I thought that we were just freaks of nature and, it turns out, we are! A new study by researchers at the University of California at San Francisco revealed that the gene DEC2 regulates the "internal clock" and that some people have a mutation in this gene, causing them to sleep less than the "average" individuals yet function just as well. It also showed, in mice and humans, that it allows us to recover from sleep deprivation faster than the average person. My wife, on the other hand, needs something to help her recover from us! God love her... I know I do!

Monkey in the Middle

One thing that I see happen quite often is that parents are either punishment oriented, or they do little or nothing about discipline (because they fear being punishment oriented). To clarify things, positive guidance lies right in the middle. A parent doesn't have to be firm, consistent, and patient. A parent doesn't have to be calm, communicate clearly, or be understanding. Finding the middle ground, however, where one can be flexible enough to be firm when a child isn't listening, to consistently follow through with the rules (especially when one doesn't want to), and patient enough to seek to understand what the child needs, feels, and/or wants, will create strong bonds and help the child to understand the parent's needs, wants, etc. Too nice can lead to children pushing even harder - running loose around stores, not listening, screaming at inappropriate times just to get a response - in order to get the parent to set limits for her. Too cruel can lead to the same thing, only instead of laughing and not listening, the child will probably be cussing and not listening. If you want your child to listen then listen to your child's body language, observe what he or she needs or wants on a regular basis, learn to anticipate what's coming by recognizing behaviors. A parent must be able to say "No" calmly, clearly, and consistently and show the child that he/she is serious. It's not a game. After the "fit" that often follows, a parent must understand that the child needs to be nurtured so that they know that they simply made a mistake and didn't "let the parent down". Hug your child, tell them that they can try again next time and then move on to something, but avoid "treating" the child. Just move on to a normal activity or leave the child alone to read, play, etc. In the middle you'll find the answers.

The Edge of Sanity

There are times when 2 yr olds can push a parent to the edge of sanity. Times when they whine, cry, and use "No" to push every button on the "parental control panel". These are the times to step back and remember something very important, but often forgotten. A 2 yr old child has a very small vocabulary - only about 250 words on average - and, therefore, cannot express frustration, fear, and most other emotions that we can express as adults. A 2 yr old has only been alive for 2 yrs! A 2 yr old has only been really talking for less than a year! Remember, when you want to pull your hair out and start swinging things, that this child before you is in between being an infant and being a child, just as a teenager is trapped between childhood and adulthood (you remember that awkward phase, right?). It is a very confusing time for the child. The situations may be difficult for the parent, but they are nearly incomprehensible to the child. The child depends on the parent or caregiver to guide him or her through it. As she screams, spits, kicks, and falls to the floor in dramatic fashion, remember that she is just confused, frustrated, and does not yet understand what power and control she has over her own life. Help your child to set limits and understand what she can say "Yes" and "No" to by being consistent with your rules and, when she calms down, then sitting and talking with her about things like "If you say No then you get into trouble, but if you clean up your toys then you can lay out your blanket, or play with another toy, or sit with me, etc." Many options open up with the word "Yes", a 2 yr old simply needs to learn how, and why we cooperate with one another. Remember to see your child as "in transition" from an infant, who communicates through "coos and cries" to a "child", who communicates with words and body language. Give them room to grow and patience enough to correct the mistakes that they usually make by accident or in an attempt to understand a boundary. Love them now, while they are still little, and they will love you back. Understand them now, when they need it the most, and they will understand you later, when you need it the most. Tell me, what are your hottest buttons and what keeps you calm and cool?

BREAKING NEWS!

BREAKING NEWS! Two Year Olds Throw Tantrums! Hard to believe, I know, but it's true. Sarah, our lovely daughter, is in the midst of Toddler Tantrum Mania. She walked into the room where my wife and I were sitting with the baby and said "Now, you two be good in here, okay?" And pointed her finger at us. This seemed cute, but it was really an unconscious testing of her boundaries and what "power" she has over us. We don't say those words to her, so we're assuming that she got them from my wife's cousin, who does say that to the kids when they're playing. We don't use those words because they lead to what happened last night. The child "mirrors" the parent to see if they can get some of that control, but what they're really seeking is the self-control that adults have. If a toddler does this, then a parent can expect that the child will throw a major tantrum when she's tired, over anything, and Sarah did! She was furious when we asked her to clean up her toys, brush her teeth, and get ready for bed (something that we do EVERY night). I removed her from the living room, gently set her on her bed, and waited for her to calm down. When she wanted down I would ask her if she was ready to put her toys up. She said "NO!" several times and burst into tears. A parent must then wait for the child to calm down and, when he/she's calm, then explain that saying "No" leads to getting into "trouble" while cleaning up leads to more play time after clean up, toothbrushing, and pajamas. (We always have her get ready for bed about 1 hr before bed time in order to give her time to "wind down", usually with books). It took her twenty minutes to understand that following our "regular routine" would be easier, more fun, and more pleasant than sitting on the bed with Dad until she could "listen". Also, make sure to offer your help. "I can help you clean up when you're ready." I had to "offer" my help about 3 or 4 times and explain that she could play (as usual) or read books after getting ready for bed. She finally calmed down, as all children will do once they realize that the parent is going to remain consistent and caring, hugged me, we cleaned up, brushed teeth, got pajamas on, and read books. She fell asleep within the hour, listening to me read and cradled up against me. For all the challenges, the positive guidance and discipline paid off as my precious daughter curled up at my side and slipped into a comfortable, relaxing sleep. Remember that guidance and discipline are harder for the child than the adult. Stay calm while the child trows a tantrum and they will calm down MUCH faster. Love and help them when they do calm down. Reward them with attention when they listen. They're only little for so long so, above all, I hope that patience allows parents to step back, watch the tantrum, and know that it's just a behavior, teach the child to get their needs met in other ways, then play, play, play! It's no surprise that 2 yr olds throw tantrums, so don't let the news break you.

Non-Judgment Day

I had an interesting conversation with a very nice man the other day. He has six children and is helping a local church to reach out to parents in a local mall. They're teaching parenting classes. I tried to explain why we need not "judge" our children, but instead our focus should be on interpreting, understanding, and meeting their needs while teaching them to meet their own needs. At first he didn't agree, which is fine, because of the fear that children would then not learn the "moral" values that are important to him. The interesting thing about humans, however, across cultures and religions, is that we function on cooperation and thrive on social structure. (There will always be people who don't, or can't, but they're the exception and not the rule.) People love structure. Every religion in the world teaches kindness, empathy, love of family and God, Goddess, Spirit, etc in a structured and cooperative way. Every family wants to get along (though many do not because they don't have the tools to do so and may not seek them out). If we "judge" these people then how can we interpret their actions as they relate to their needs? If we refrain from saying "This is good, that's bad!" then we can say "What is this child trying to accomplish and/or learn and what would be the most effective way for me to teach him/her to get that?" See, it's easier to say "GOOD" or "BAD", but not effective in understanding the child's needs or teaching them to meet those needs. It's easier to influence children then to teach them to think, to cooperate, and to comprehend their own needs, and then to meet them; therefore many people make the simple mistake of using judgment and influence over comprehension and compassion. In order to comprehend our children, interpret their needs, and be compassionate, we must eliminate the fear that our children will not grow up with what humans have always had, with or without the institutions of education or religion, which is love for one another and a deep connection to the natural earth. We don't have to influence our children if we teach them to think, to care, and to act responsibly by acting in those ways ourselves; children will follow our lead if we prove ourselves worthy of leading - by example.

First Days - No Stress!

Our nearly 3 yr. old daughter, Sarah, had her first day in a 2 wk long summer school class on gardening yesterday. Over the last 6 mo., in order to prepare her, I've taken her to the school 3 times, introduced her to the teacher, walked around the classroom with her, let her observe the kids and ask questions, and talked to her about going to school. For the past 2 wks. we've been talking to her about leaving her at school, mentioning the teacher's name, explaining that Mommy will drop Sarah off and come back to get her after school. We would lay in bed at night and talk about school as she drifted off to sleep. When the time came to drop her off she suffered NO separation anxiety, had no fear of the school (since she was familiar with it) or the teachers, and moved right in like she'd been there all along! Taking the time to prepare her, to help her to understand what was coming and acquaint her with the environment, teachers, and the process completely eliminated the stress that most children feel on the first day of school and replaced it with curiosity and excitement, which relieved all of our parental fears, too!

Pay Attention

Children under 6 years of age have very short attention spans, right? The funny thing is that American adults have about 2 minute attention spans, yet they expect their children to focus and concentrate for long periods of time. If the parent can't sit down and do math for an hour, then how does he/she expect to model it for the child, or to help them learn to focus for such long periods of time on difficult subjects? Parents must learn to focus, to pay attention, and to teach their children such self control. If your toddler gets a puzzle out, sit on the floor with them, have them take each piece out - one at a time - and set them on the floor. Next, help them match up the shapes. The toddler will probably want to get up and run, change positions, and basically wiggle their way out of the "challenge" of putting the puzzle back together. The "challenge" is the important part and most parents give up rather than try to teach the toddler to focus, pay attention, and complete what he/she started. So, what would the parent be teaching if he/she consistently worked with the child to complete tasks? What do you do and what are you teaching yourself and your child(ren)?

Pat Your Backs

Parenting is the most rewarding thing, and often the most challenging thing, that adults can do in life. Parents who care about parenting, who approach it as the single most important task in life, who place it above earning money, above personal desires, and above all else, often worry if they're being “good” parents. If you find yourself doing this then you've already taken a step towards being a “good” parent. You're putting parenting first. Remind yourself that you are your child's first teacher. We had our daughter, Sarah, throw a typical 2 yr old tantrum the other day because she wanted to get into the stroller, but her 2 month old sister was in it. Sarah didn't want to walk and sat on the sidewalk, refusing to move, so I picked her up, took her back into the house, and Mama and little sister walked to the store alone. Sarah cried for about 20 minutes and pleaded to go, even saying things like “I listen now, Daddy, pleeease!” It broke my heart to have to “follow through” and not just walk her down to the store once she'd calmed down, but in the end I know that I would be doing her an injustice if I didn't follow through. I stuck it out, though, and she learned that we are serious about her having to listen to us when she has trouble controlling her own impulses. This may sound mean, but think about her running and not listening when we yell “STOP!” to prevent her from being hit by a car, or falling into a hole. If she learns to listen to her parents, then we can help prevent injury when she's not able to control her impulses. The trick was to let her know that I wasn't keeping her from going to the store to be mean, but because I love her and want to help her to learn to control herself so that other people can't and/or don't need to control her. She will learn to make decisions based on guidance from elders, the way people did for millions of years, before we lost touch with the older generations, and learn to discern wise elders from foolish ones. She will learn that her parents are here to help her grow into her own person, with her own thoughts, ideas, and abilities. If we're consistent, she'll learn that she can trust us to help her set safe boundaries and that those will change as she grows and changes. She'll trust that, if we can stand up to her tantrums, then we can stand up to those things that actually scare her in life. If you're doing this as a parent, then remember to pat yourself on the back once in a while. When Sarah was begging me to go, in her sweetest, sobbing voice, it was just another subconscious attempt at manipulating me. I didn't give in, even though it tugged at my heart strings and I wanted to give my beloved daughter what she wanted. I had to keep reminding myself that “This is strong parenting. This is positive guidance. I'm helping her to understand the consequences of her decisions.” When she calmed down, we hugged and talked about what to do next time and, as you probably know, she'll remember! They seem to remember everything! Remember this: when you do something that is difficult, but you know that it's the “right” thing to do with your child – give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself some positive feedback instead of feeling guilty for not giving your child what he/she wants. The guilt won't help anybody, but the self-praise will make you want to learn more about positive guidance and that will make it easier for everybody to grow and change together, as a family and as individuals.

Who Will Teach Your Child?

Remember that your children are their own people. A 20 yr old doesn't know as much as an 80 yr old and a 5 yr old doesn't know as much as his parent, but that doesn't stop anyone from being his/her own person. Remember that, as a parent, it's important to teach a child how to LEAVE the nest and fly on her own. It's important to help them separate, to help them learn what it takes to survive in the adult world, where they won't have the "cliques" that cocoon them in high school. Remember that a parent is a care provider, a disciplinarian, a friend, and a teacher. If the parent doesn't take all of these rolls on then the child will seek out adults who fill those rolls. Will they find adults to fill them to the parents' satisfaction? Will they find "safe" adults to fill those rolls? Don't be a "best friend" to your child, they'll find those on their own. Instead, focus on teaching and learning with your child, then setting them free to discover the rest of the world on his/her own. Remember, above all, the good times and focus on creating good times as they grow. Discipline should always be followed by love.

Think About It!

When people think about communication, we often think only about the words that come out of our mouths, or the words that enter our ears. Do we ever think about the words that we think? Do we ever notice that we can't think and listen at the same time? Try it. Grab a friend and try to think about something while your friend explains a procedure, then attempt to complete the procedure. For example, while your friend explains how to cook a dish that you've never cooked, think about your favorite food and how to prepare it, then try to cook your friend's dish. After that, try it again, without thinking. Just listen to what your friend has to say. You'll notice an immense difference in the amount of information received when the thoughts are turned off and comprehension is turned on. Just as one can't cook the meal without a hot stove, one can't comprehend another without listening and, since one can't think and listen simultaneously, practicing “active listening” will increase the ability to understand loved ones, co-workers, and even strangers. Why is this important?

Communication is more than just what we say. Studies reveal that 90% off all communication is through body language, but the studies fail to outline the reality that all communication begins as thought; therefore, the way we think affects the way we communicate. How do you think about your children, your partner, your family and friends? How do you think about the overweight lady walking in front of you when you're in a hurry? How do you think about the child screaming in the mall and his mother or father? How do you think about other people and how would you like them to think about you?

Thinking about people with empathy, understanding our own ignorance about their personal situation, helps to create healthy communication. Our eyes don't show judgment, but compassion. Our bodies don't show fear, but courage. How we think affects how we act, speak, and understand one another. The next time you feel misunderstood, try changing the way you think about the person who is misunderstanding you. Try to understand them and then reach out by asking them if you're understanding them. Once they feel understood, they're more likely to try to understand you.

Parents must understand each other so that children can understand what the parents expect of them. When children have clear boundaries they feel more secure and able to explore. A sense of security and the ability to explore increases the rate at which a child can learn. In order to set clear boundaries, the parents must communicate well enough that they understand what is acceptable to both parents. In order to communicate clearly, the parents must think about each other with the love and compassion that drew them together in the first place.

Teaching Without Tools

I know a wonderful young woman who is excited and enthusiastic about entering college and pursuing the field of child development. What she doesn't know yet is that at least 70% of pre-school teachers “burn-out” in five years or less. Why? What makes people so excited and enthusiastic, and then so exhausted that they move on to other jobs or simply give up and become “burnt-out” teachers. We've all had burnt-out teachers who didn't care about us, didn't care about education, and just showed up for the paycheck. Those teachers can often be impatient, inattentive, unemotional and depressed. So, what happens between the fire of college and the five year burn-out?

If we start at the root, it would lie in, of course, education. I've been through the educational system and studied the field of education. We learned about teaching styles and methods, curriculum creation, learning styles, and other important, but not effective, information. The information is important because it helps us to understand where the educational system has failed and what needs improvement. The information is not effective because it's missing one critical, and very difficult, element – positive guidance and discipline. Knowing how to use a certain curriculum will do very little to help a child learn who comes to school hungry, has been abused the night before, or can't sit still because he's never been taught to control himself. New teachers often walk into classrooms with books in their heads, but no tools to work with children. So, what causes burn-out is trying to use a book as a wrench. Teachers have their books, but the children need somebody to help fine tune their mental carburetors and keep all of their systems running strong. Teachers aren't given the tools to work with children. It's like trying to be an automotive mechanic using manuals that diagram the engine in extreme detail and a tool box full of ideas. Ideas don't tighten loose nuts or replace malfunctioning parts. Ideas can't help teachers to help children. They need the tools.

In my particular case, I had to develop most of the tools that I use to help children to use their own tools. It took my years to develop a tool box full of effective tools and techniques. I should have been given the tools as part of my $100,000.00 education; all teachers should acquire these tools through the educational system that teaches education. Somehow, the professors have missed the fact that guidance and discipline are the frame of teaching, and curriculum is just the seat that we sit in as we drive down life's road, discuss issues and learn from one another. Without a solid frame, the vehicle of education can't go anywhere, so teachers and students end up sitting in a vehicle that won't move and discussing the numbers on the speedometer, how fast they'd get somewhere at so many miles per hour, if they could move, or how to read the words on the dashboard and in the owner's manual. It's not a matter of if the car breaks down, it's a matter of how to fix a car that's already stranded on the roadside, with a book, but little or no tools.

If a teacher, or parent, is effective, then the child will be able to fix socio-emotional problems without too much adult interaction by the teenage years. It's like having a kid that can fix her own car at sixteen because she's been shown how, experienced working on cars as a child, and has been given her own set of tools. Teachers need to have the tools to work with children and those tools would help the children to work on themselves. The question is, why isn't this problem, which I see as a cultural and societal crisis, as important to the mainstream media as, say Brangelina or Oprah's latest diet secrets?

If We Only Knew Then...

Today's blog goes out to childhood friends. It's a blog of fond memories that exists in each of our heads. It's a blog of fights and yard games, sleepovers and all nighters. Today's blog grew us up whether we wanted to or not. It's a reminder that our children are building the memories that they'll have as adults. It's a reminder that every time we get frustrated with our screaming two year old or thoughtless 15 year old, our reactions should be actions. Actions are purposeful. Reactions are thoughtless. Actions make lemonade out of lemons. Reactions spill the pitcher. Get it? Today's blog has all my friends playing in the mountains, the vineyards, the parks of our childhoods and all of the positive experiences we created together. Despite what may have been happening in some of our imperfect, or even horrible, home lives, we laughed on hillsides as the moon rose, shared french fries at lunch, and enjoyed even the most boring of times together simply because we were together. Thank you all, my friends! I pray that my children find friends as strong, simple, caring, hard working, creative, and crazy as all of you!!

Why Fear Fails

Many people perceive positive guidance as weak, wishy washy, mushy, and ineffective. Many people who use positive guidance techniques, just like many people who use tools of any kind, use them inappropriately. You can't use a sponge as a hammer and you can't use “caring” as positive guidance. The foundations of positive guidance and discipline are:

1. Practice self control.

2. Teach self control.

3. Consistency, consistency, consistency within a structured routine and environment.

4. Learn to “read” the child's behavior so that you may teach him/her effective ways of obtaining what he/she needs.

5. Teach and model effective communication skills.

6. More self control!

7. Compassion and active listening.

Remember that each child considers herself “herself” and not the possession or property of others, just as you consider yourself as “yourself” and not your parents' property. It's an innate quality of being human. Being “yourself”, do you feel the need for someone to control you, to manipulate you, or to scare you into doing their will, what they want, or their way of doing things? Or, would you rather have someone who shows you multiple ways of getting what you need – effective, often helpful ways – and then steps aside while you make your own choices then live with the consequences and/or rewards? Positive guidance requires a firm discipline, highly structured environment and routines, and the flexibility of bamboo. The effective teacher, parent, or caregiver will be able to teach the children methods of self control the way martial arts teachers do; yet also be able to meet the socio-emotional needs of each individual child through genuine conversation and active listening. One of the biggest barriers created by adults is that they don't listen to children.

I don't have the experience base or wisdom that my grandfather had when he was, say, 80, but does that mean that I should be ignored or that I don't know anything? A child may not have an adult's base, but that's what they're building and their “acting out” behaviors are simply ways of asking for help when they don't have the words to ask clearly (because they don't have the knowledge/experience base yet).

One mistake people often make is to think that fear and the “law and order” method works, but what works is the self control portion, not the fear portion of that flawed system. To those people I recommend the book “Savage Inequalities” by Jonathan Kozol as it shows the ineffectiveness of that system in detail and through interviews with real teens, parents, and teachers at failing schools across America. My question is, how do you use fear when you come across a fearless child?

I was a fearless child, and still am, in a sense. I was never afraid of teachers, parents, or police officers. I didn't fear other kids and, because of my small stature and lack of fear, I was often picked out by older boys as “one to fight”, and I won. I won, won, and won until I hated fighting. I hated the memories and, by the time I was 17 I wanted no more to do with fear and violence. I never even lost a fight and my own, fearless nature hated fighting. I realized that I was scared, but only of the inability to control myself because, subconsciously, I knew that a lack of self control led to drug abuse, prison, and possibly death. I'd seen it all too many times in my tough teenage years.

In young adulthood I decided that I had to do something about the “fearless” kids because they're the ones who are “shoved aside” to make the teacher's “record” look good. They're the ones that no school wants and yet, in my experience, they're also some of the most creative, intuitive, intelligent and strongest children I've ever known. As a parent, and educator, or a caregiver, do you want to crush that creativity, intelligence and strength, or build upon it? Do you want the leaders to lead or force them to follow, though it goes against their nature? Do you want those who are shy to stand in front of thousands and give speeches, even though it's against their nature? Do you do things against your own nature? If you're an outgoing adult, do you want to be silenced, suppressed and weakened? Positive guidance is not for those who can't follow through with consequences or stand aside and objectively observe behaviors. Remember the basics – Self Control and Communication – then imagine your life without them. Remember that fear is a weakness, so when a teacher uses fear based behavior management techniques, they're actually following their own weaknesses and displaying their own fears that the child will embarrass them, or hurt someone, or not show up as a “success” on the teacher's record. Compassion is a strength and, luckily, we all have the freedom to choose which way to live, when we're adults, anyway. Let's provide that freedom to children. They have the choice, too, they just don't know it yet. That's why we guide them. If you take away technology, toys, and every other human distraction, then what would we, as adults, do in life? What does every other living creature do? Raise children to thrive and survive. Challenging children are survivors and, like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and countless influential, yet unknown, community members, often don't do well in school, where that drive to thrive and survive is squashed through fear based behavior modification techniques. Will the children in your life thrive and survive, or fail in fear? Will you? Do you have the strength to confront your own fears of being embarrassed, of losing control, or of opening yourself up, emotionally, to others? Do you have enough self control to teach self control? Enough discipline to teach discipline? Most importantly, do you have the strength of a child to learn, care, and be creative and the self control of an adult to model self discipline and structure? Can you overcome your fears, or will they overwhelm you? Children need what you need. If you feel that you need someone to intimidate you then you will intimidate others. If you feel that you need others to care for you, guide you, and help you through the parts of life that you don't understand, then you will help others. As I've asked before, “Are you helping, or hurting?” It's that simple and yet so hard that some will read this and not even try to comprehend it, but they'll continue on down the slide of life, forgetting to have fun the whole way down!

Consulting can Help

First, let me remind readers that I write these blogs on whims, or at the request of individual readers. I don't edit them, ponder over them, or "develop" them in any way. They're always "off the cuff" and may need more clarification. Feel free to contact me and ask for better explanations.

Yesterday I ran into an old co-worker whose smile and positive attitude reminded me that there are some amazing people out there who, against all odds, deal with millions of pounds of unnecessary stress in order to remain dedicated to the children of our communities. She also reminded me that people, parents, teachers, and caregivers often need help and don't necessarily want the “invasive” government programs to invade their lives. She suggested that I tell others that I am available to consult with families, schools, or whoever feels overwhelmed with the responsibilities of child rearing and/or teaching. Just like a chef knows that she can cook, I've done this long enough to know that I can help to create Individualized Education Plans with your child's teacher, behavior modification plans, organize environments to help children be successful and much, much more! It's just a matter of inviting someone in and asking for help. I can be reached through my e-mail address at the top of the blog, if anybody would like help with a certain child, a group of children, or just to understand why kids do what they do. I'm here to help and, remember, nobody's expected to be perfect as we all go “Down the Slide” in our own ways!

Reading Children

We all believe that children must know how to read, and they put a lot of effort into learning that skill, but do we parents put the same effort into learning to read our children? I had to work six days this past week at my job and then, on my one day off, I went to help a friend work on his property. I would normally spend at least one of my days off with my daughter, Sarah. The result of my overworking has been that, when I come home from work, Sarah is glued to my hip, “Daddy, sit with me. Daddy, play over here. Daddy, eat with me.” The first night I just wanted to rest, but as I watched my daughter “break down” over nothing in particular, I realized that she was trying to say “I miss you, Dad, and want to spend some time with you.” Which can also translate as, “I love you, Daddy.” The rest of this week I've spent on the floor playing with balls and dolls and reading books. I'm so lucky to be loved. Now that I've “read” into my daughter's actions, she hasn't been “breaking down” over petty things the last few days and my next step will be to work with her mom and coordinate the teaching of communication skills. We're teaching her to understand that she misses Mommy or Daddy and to say “I miss you. I want to play with you, please.” We're also teaching her that we may have to say “No” or “Later”, depending on if we're cooking dinner or caring for her baby sister, etc. In such situations she may choose to “throw a fit”, but we keep in mind that Sarah is simply trying to test how much “power” she has over our decisions, our actions, and our lives. She's learning that the only thing she can control is herself and that we love her regardless of whether or not she “throws a fit” or says “Okay, Mommy.” She's learning that we will play with her, but only when our responsibilities are taken care of. She's learning, through observation, to be responsible. She cares for her dolls with gentle, loving hands and kisses them on the foreheads. She diapers them and makes sure that they're fed everyday. We're all learning to read each other like great novels that write themselves as they're read. There's no way to read the ending first because it doesn't exist; therefore we live each moment in each other's eyes, reading the needs and meeting them with honest work, attention to detail, and compassion.

Communicating with Care

Sometimes, as parents, we get so caught up in the children that we forget to communicate, to love, to seek to understand each other. We get so busy with lunches and lessons, dinners and disasters that we fail to care for each other. Parents communicate, whether we're aware of it, or not. We get busy, yell at each other, and take out our frustrations on each other all too often. It's difficult, but healthy, to remember that every parent has the weight of somebody else's life on their shoulders. Moms, remember to appreciate what dad does do, not what he forgets to do or can't do. Dads, remember to appreciate what mom gets done and not just what she complains about or wants done. There are so many things to appreciate, yet we often focus on the things that scare us. If a parent gets mad because the other forgot to pick the kids up from school on time, then the parent is not realizing that the kids did get picked up, the other parent did not mean to hurt anybody. The parent is simply scared that the kids “could have been” hurt. But, they weren't. Remember that when your kids are safe! Remember to allow others room for errors and they will allow you room for the errors you're bound to make. Remember to appreciate the moments that we get with each other. We will all pass on one day and true prosperity can not be bought. True prosperity is NOT burying your child. True prosperity is knowing what your spouse needs at the end of the day. True prosperity is receiving what you need from your spouse. True prosperity comes from asking, listening, caring, sensing, wondering, and communicating with one another. This is not to say that we should “dote” on each other. Quite the opposite, in fact. It's much simpler than that. We simply need to care and be aware of one another. We simply need to be able to say “I got a little worried when you didn't pick the kids up on time, but I'm glad that we're all home now.” The normal conversation would go more like this: “Where the hell were you? Why didn't you pick up the kids? Are you stupid? How could you forget...” Either way, the kids got picked up. The difference lies in being grateful that the kids are safe and understanding that everybody makes mistakes. Communicating in such ways creates an atmosphere of safety, where nobody's perfect and nobody's expected to be, even you!

Separation Anxiety Caused and Cured by Parents

Back to separation anxiety – let's look at some solutions. If children are crying when one parent picks up, or drops them off, then they are probably having bouts of separation anxiety. If the parents are divorced then they must work together, for the health and well being of the children, in order to solve the issue. We all have issues, but not addressing the one's that our children face is not parenting. Let's say a father drops his daughter off after his “weekend” visit and she's happy to be back with mom. The father may feel hurt and those feelings will, in turn, be felt by the child. The father needs to be happy that his daughter is happy, period. When he comes to pick her up the next weekend, she cries. She doesn't want to leave her mom. The father thinks that it's because his daughter doesn't love him, but that's rarely the case. If the father is EXTREMELY abusive, then it may be the case, but let's assume that he isn't. The mother could be, consciously or sub – consciously, coercing the daughter into feeling as though the father is “bad” or that “mom is better”. She could be instilling her own fears into the daughter. 90% of our fears NEVER COME TRUE, so DON”T DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS! Instead of filling them full of fears, show them solutions by recognizing fears and working through them. It can help to reduce separation anxiety and other “issues” faced by families. There are so many “root causes” to separation anxiety that it's difficult to discuss every possible solution, but another effective tool is to play the “Pick Me Up” game. Assuming that both parents want what's best for the child, and using the same scenario as above, the mother would drop the child off at the father's house, rather than the father picking her up. The mother would also explain that she's going to drop the girl off, then come back in 15 minutes. She leaves without a lot of hype, just “Bye bye. I love you.” and a kiss and hug and mom goes out the door, regardless of how the child behaves. She returns fifteen minutes later, just like she said, hangs out for ten or fifteen minutes, then leaves for a half hour, with the same messages to the child. Don't let the child control the situation by crying. The crying child is looking for attention, which the father can and must provide, and also looking to see if her mother will consistently return when she says that she will. Once the child feels that she can trust her mother to return and her father to take care of her emotional and physical needs, then the behavior will subside. There are many other reasons for separation anxiety, many more solutions, and each individual family and child needs similar, but unique solutions so contact me if you need any help. Remember that your children depend on you to set their limits so that they can feel secure in a large, dangerous world. That security changes their view of the world from “large and dangerous” to “fun, beautiful, and expansive”. Think about it, then go out and play. Up the stairs and down the slide!

Happy Mother's Day!!

Mothers feed us when we can not feed ourselves. Mothers warm us when we can not warm ourselves. Mothers protect us with their own lives. Mothers use every ounce of energy to help us meet our needs as we grow and change and, eventually, leave them. Mothers do not sacrifice anything for their children. They share life with their children. They share energy, food, shelter, laughter, tears, and everything else with their children. Are you a mother sharing your life with children, friends, lovers, and family? If so, I hope you have time today to see yourself as the pillar of family life and the lighthouse we all look to when the fog rolls into our lives. Imagine life without those with whom you share it, realize that what you have to share and who you share it with is what makes life fulfilling, and then have a gigantic, fantastic and extremely Happy Mother's Day!

Crying for Mommy!

We all must, at some point, separate from each other. People leave for work, kids leave for school, and people pass away. Separation is normal and so is the anxiety that it causes within us. As adults we should have the tools to deal with the anxiety of separation and, if we don't, we can always seek to learn those skills. Children, however, don't have the ability to make the choices that adults can make or process information like we can; therefore they need our help and experience to guide them. It would be impossible to address all forms of separation anxiety in a quick blog, so I'll address a specific type that affects millions of families throughout the world. Divorce can reduce stress in a relationship, but can also add stress, depending on how mature the adults act. Children, however, have a hard time understanding the need for the separation and often blame it on themselves or feel guilty that they didn't, somehow, prevent the divorce. The emotions created during the failing relationship, throughout the divorce, and afterward can be turned to the negative or positive. It is the parents' job to guide the child(ren) through the process of translating their emotions into words so that they may communicate how they feel. Separation anxiety usually occurs when one parent is “dropping off” or one is “picking up” the child(ren) for their “time”. If this happens with your children, drop by Down the Slide in a couple of days for solutions to separation anxiety that may work for your child(ren). You may also shoot me a comment or question and some information about your family situation and I'll do my best to provide more personal solutions.

Whine Tasting

Let's say your two year old is playing with a doll in her room. She needs help putting the doll's clothes on so she yells for you to come. You call back and say, “If you need help with your doll, please bring it in here and I'll help you.” Your two year old hasn't napped and is tired, so she decides that throwing a fit suits her well at the time and begins to whine, “NOOO! You come here! Nooo!” Then the tears, more whining, and you hear her doll “Thump!” hit the wall. When you go into the room to see what's happening, she throws an even bigger fit. The next step is to remove the child from the environment. Sarah just did this last night, so her mom asked her to walk out into the living room, which she did, but not without breathless tears. Her mom handed the doll back to her and Sarah decided to throw it on the ground. Mom picked it up and put it away, sending Sarah into a whining, crying, full-blown tantrum. So, what's the next step? It's simple. Mom gets down on Sarah's level, tells her that she CAN have her doll, she just needs to stop crying and ask in a clear, strong voice. Sarah does her best to do just that and runs back into her room, ready to play. The next step, however, is what most parents miss. THIS IS IMPORTANT! Knowing what happened before the behavior – Sarah became frustrated trying to put clothes on her doll – a parent can prevent the next “whine” by pulling the doll back down, giving it to the child, and then asking the child if she needs help putting the clothes on the doll. Mom forgot to do this, so the next thing that Sarah did was whine that she wanted her doll. Mom got the doll and gave it to her, but could have avoided tasting Sarah's whine if she had assessed the situation and predicted what Sarah would do next. These “predictions” can prevent behaviors that are annoying, harmful, and/or unnecessary. Remember to watch what the child does before, during, and after the behavior and you'll be able to prevent it in the future. Don't let your children get drunk on the power of whining and drive you insane! Meet their needs through observation and you'll enjoy their stages of development, notice more about them, learn who they are as they grow up, and spend less time “disciplining” them and more time playing with them.

Giant Cookie Kudos!

Sarah and I were at the park the other evening and several other parent/caregiver/child combinations were also there. One woman constantly yelled at her child to “Get down from there!” or “Move out of the way!” but never actually got up off the bench. Her child, of course, didn't follow a single direction. On the other hand, another lady, caring for her granddaughter who was probably in the 18 month old range, barely spoke a word, but her grandchild listened when Grandma did speak, didn't purposely break rules, and laughed a lot. Today I'm giving Kudos to that Grandmother and all of the other parents who actually play with their kids at the parks. Kudos to the parents who get off their butts and interact with their kids! I'm so glad to see grown men saying “WHEEEEE!” as their children swoosh down the slides! So, kudos to the men who are tough enough to do whatever they want and what they want is to be included in the lives of their children. Kudos to the women who take the time to get down to eye level and speak firmly, yet lovingly to children who are having trouble controlling themselves. And GIANT COOKIE KUDOS to all of those parents who have their children go up the stairs and down the slide!

Preventing Problems

Sarah has “acted out” for three days in a row when I come home from work. I realize that she wants to spend more time with her Daddy. She, however, needs to realize that I have to spend time with her, her Momma, and our new baby, Frances. I've made mental notes of what happens when I walk in the door, what happens before her “outbursts”, what happens during the incidents, and what happens after. By making these observations we were able to prevent most of the challenging behaviors on the fourth night and the next night should be even calmer. Whenever behaviors arise that are consistent, such as Sarah acting out before bedtime three nights in a row, make notes of what the child does before, during, and after the behavior. Patterns will emerge and then solutions can be formed and implemented. For Sarah the solution is for Daddy to spend the first half-hour home with her alone, then to play with baby Frances and/or talk with Momma. That's helped. Next, we began the “bedtime” routine one hour earlier, because the behavior was taking an extra hour, so now she's “back on schedule”. She still had some trouble settling in at first, but it was much easier, for all of us, compared to the previous nights, plus she went to bed voluntarily and on time. Remember – note what happens before, during, and after any “situation” and then work on solutions to prevent the problem in the future.

Taming of the Two

A wonderful thing happened the other night. We have two recliners in our living room, Mommy's and Daddy's. Mommy will ask Sarah to "Stop" several times, while Daddy (that's me) only asks Sarah to do something once, and then I get up and help her to do it or, if she's resisting (usually with a laugh - a sure sign of a child asking for limits), then I gently and SILENTLY remove her from the environment (she'll usually take my hand and just walk out of the room with me). I usually bring her into another room, get down to her eye level and then keep her there until she stops laughing and understands that I'm serious. I use very few words, only the words that are necessary, because she's processing language and can only “capture” the last few words spoken. For example, if she's been removed for “smacking” baby Frances, then I remove her from the environment, get eye to eye (though she doesn't always make eye contact) and tell her “That hurts Frances. She likes to be loved. Can you love the baby? Give her hugs and kisses?” Once she's calmed down she always agrees and wants to apologize and says something like, “Give my baby kisses?” then runs out and kisses her sister on her little, fuzzy head. So, back to last night, Sarah moved to “shake” the crib while Momma lay on the bed with Frances. Momma told Sarah to back away from the crib. Sarah “crept” forward with a devious smile. Momma said, “Sarah, get away from that crib.” Sarah latched onto it. “Stop it, Sarah. Leave the crib alone.” Momma raised her voice a little. Daddy, who had been observing the scenario and letting it play out, had seen enough and CLICK! THUNK! Down went his recliner's leg rest. Sarah knew, since Daddy consistently only asks once and then gets up and takes action, what that sound meant. She jumped like a frog and landed three feet away from the crib, rolling on the ground and laughing hysterically. I thanked her for listening and she soon fell asleep. The wonderful occurrence, if you haven't figured it out, is that Momma finally realized the importance, value, and effectiveness of consistency in parental behavior. Most people are so focused on the child's behavior that they don't examine their own. The sound of that chair meant that Daddy was going to take action, so Sarah stopped herself. Now Momma wants to create that response to the word “stop”, so she'll be asking Sarah to stop just one time and then taking the actions described above, which are infinitely more gentle, nurturing, and effective than spanking, but must be done firmly and without reward, bribery, laughing, or any sort of game playing that would take the focus away from “guidance”. It's the parent's job to keep the child focused on the lesson at hand so that the moment of teaching doesn't slip away before the child learns what is acceptable and what isn't, what helps and what hurts. This will have to be performed over and over, until the child knows her limits, so patience, consistency, firmness, and lots of love should be on your daily menu of discipline!

Baby Testing - Toddler Style

Sarah, our two year old, and Frances, our newborn, have been keeping us very busy. Sarah is testing out her new limits with the baby in the house. She's been “shaking” the crib, she has “smacked” Frances on the head twice, and has attempted to ignore our parental pleas for her to stop. Sarah is simply taking some time to learn what she can and can not do with and to the new baby and the new things in the environment, like the changing table and crib. We have, as parents, decided that she must stay off of her sister's crib and changing table, but can retrieve “burp” cloths and other items for us. When the older child is “included” in some of the child rearing tasks then they develop a closer bond with the baby and with the parents. Sarah also likes to help “fold” the baby's laundry (although we have to re-fold it when she's done!). She may not do it to adult standards, but it's not about folding for her. It gives her a sense of “involvement” and “helping”. It's also an opportunity for Sarah to learn how to fold clothes more effectively, but that's secondary to learning to care for each other and help out around the house. Remember that the older child can help, it's simply a matter of both parents agreeing on limits, restricting what is unsafe and allowing the child to do whatever is within their skill level, helpful and safe.

Toddler Meets New Baby Sister

I'm going to take a break today to introduce our new daughter into the world. We will return to male identity and development stuff next post, but today let us all give thanks that a new, healthy baby has entered into the world and been born into a family that will try to guide her towards a life of helpfulness, humility, and faith. Our two year old, Sarah, just met her baby sister, Frances, hours after she was born on April 2, 2009. We wondered how Sarah would react to her new sister, but it looks like all of the books about babies, talks about baby sister growing in Mom's belly, and the preparation for the day of the birth worked wonders. Sarah immediately wanted to hold her new baby sister, was unbelievably gentle and sat nearly still for the first hour, with Frances in her lap! In order to control the energy flow through her body, Sarah wiggled her feet and rubbed them together. Using baby dolls over the last nine months really helped us to prepare Sarah for how to hold the baby. Consistency, kindness, and preparation always pay off. I am blessed and overjoyed to be a new father - again!!!!

Adolescent Demons Debunked

Adolescence is one of the most difficult challenges that most parents face. The interesting thing about it, however, is that it is not a child's problem, nor an adult problem, but a societal one, and our society/culture is failing to effectively respond to the needs of teenagers. I'm going to focus on males first, since the subject came up with a recent reader, and then discuss females in a later blog. Teenage males are not actually angry, they're scared. They don't actually hate you, as a parent, they trust you. Anger is ALWAYS fear “turned inside out”, so figure out the fear, and how to handle it, and the anger will simply vanish. They act out towards the parent(s) or caregivers because they trust that person/those people to help guide them through something that is scary or that they don't quite understand and/or they trust that the parent/caregiver will be there to pick them up if they fall – literally and figuratively. You don't see many teenagers "acting out" towards strangers the way that they act out towards their parents, which is proof that trust is the bond being tested. Be sure that you're a trustworthy parent. Be consistent, even when it's painful, and always let them know that you love them, you just don't like certain behaviors. Behaviors can, and will, change, but your son will always be the boy you fed, bathed, and hoped for. An ex-professional football player, Jackson Katz, has produced an excellent video called “Tough Guise” about masculinity and hits the teenage nail on the thick head. I urge anybody and everybody to check out the YouTube clip at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI

You can buy the entire video online or check your local library for a copy. Check back for the next blog on the actual needs of adolescents vs. the lessons imposed upon them.

Why Building Skills Beats Building Wealth

How tight is your belt? Has the money stream pulled back to a trickle and left your cupboards bare? Do you feel trapped in a cocoon of poverty? Is it straining your relationships? Many, actually most, divorces root in financial problems/disagreements. So, are you feeling the pinch? Cutting back on spending? Stressing out on how to get a job, what you need vs. what you want, and how to make it through the next month, week, day, or hour? Children may not pay bills, or have to bring bread home to feed the family, but they used to. My grandfather, for example, stopped school and started working full time after 8^th grade, at age13. He gave his earnings to his mother, who then gave him 5 cents/day for lunch. I started work full time at 16 (I lived in a shed and fixed diesel truck tires for 10 hrs/day) and went to high school 1 day/wk, then put myself through college, with no parental support, by working two to three jobs while attending school and saving money during the summer, when I could work more hours. We were both teenagers when we began working, but were also still just “children” in so many ways. Many children in developing countries are at work right now, trying to help feed their families. Your children definitely understand the necessity of resources, whether they act like it or not, and would work if it were necessary. Indeed, some “acting out” behavior is simply fear of the family falling into poverty; especially for tweens and teenagers, who are beginning to realize how complex and “scary” the adult world can be. It's important, therefore, to include them in the “financial life” of the family. Teach your 10 yr. old how a checking account works, go over the monthly bills with your 14 yr. old and tell your 5 yr. old how you trade your time and skills for money in order to have a house, food, heat, etc. Keep it simple, but keep it real and don't cover any “hard truths”. My grandfather taught me many things, but one lesson stands out today. He told me, “Learn as many skills as you can because when there's no money, and people can't find jobs, you'll be able to make, fix, or maintain what you need. You can't make money when there's none to be made, but you can make things out of other things. Business and government control money, son, but you control your self.” I've stuck with that and I'm busier than ever now. I have work coming in like flood waters into the Amazon. It's a blessing (and the fruits of my grandfather's lessons). I'm reaping what he taught me to sow, and so will your children. Instead of creating a “rule” that they can only play X-box for 2 hrs/day, get them to a local blacksmith school to learn that skill, then take them to art classes, get them books about sewing, writing, building cabinets, fixing cars, etc. Make a rule in your family that “You are what you do, not what you say.” Always remember that YOU are your child's FIRST teacher. They look to you for “foundational” knowledge and to their friends for the experiences upon which they test that foundation. You don't “own” your children (and probably don't see yourself as your parents' property); instead, you are merely blessed enough to be able to help a new human being to “build” themselves upon whatever cultural and social belief system that they live within. Believe in your children and they will believe in themselves. Skills, faith in one's self, and a strong support network will break the bonds of poverty and we will emerge as butterflies ready to lift off into the great unknown where we will, without effort, find the sweet nectar of our labors in the flowers that already exist but can't be seen from within our cocoons. Children may not understand the complexity of money, I'm not even sure that I do, but they will understand the importance of skills and enjoy the lessons, especially when they become adults and realize that you have helped them to weather anything that the world can throw at them.